Sabotaging Happiness

Started by SpunHead13, January 05, 2019, 06:35:10 PM

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RavenLady

I didn't think this thread applied much to me...until I remember all the times I was corrected for acting like a happy kid. Positive emotions outside of uNPDF's control were an irritating distraction to him at best and reason for punishment at worst. Because, you know, he was the reasonable one with reasonable rules about reason to enforce. Naturally.
sometimes in the open you look up
to see a whorl of clouds, dragging and furling
your whole invented history. You look up
from where you're standing, say
among the stolid mountains,
and in that moment your life
becomes the margin
of what matters
-- Terry Ehret

Rize

these posts are sad, I'm sorry that you all have tainted memories of what would be happy events.
The big one for me was the birth of my eldest daughter. My mother turned up at the hospital (uninvited) and stayed with me and my husband for over 24hours until I was rushed in for an emergency c section. Luckily, I was already in the theater when she started losing it. My husband told me whilst he was getting ready to go through with me, she was swearing, mumbling, and cursing the doctors, and anyone in the vicinity that MY HUSBAND was going into surgery with me instead of her!
Told by a friend later on, that whilst I was in surgery, mother was posting disgusting statuses on Facebook along the lines of 'so the fucking boyfriend gets to go through, but fuck the mother, and not tell her anything ' etc etc. Needless to say, I spent the best part of my daughter's early life worrying about how my mother would behave/react to things.

11JB68

Wow, rize, I think my uPDm is your mom's twin sister, just without the swearing. That was when I really finally realized something was wrong with her...the day my ds was born. Stormed into my room and said why does everything in this family have to be a tragedy???  (Um... Safe mom, healthy baby...what tragedy? Oh right, that she wasn't in charge of it all...)

Moon

#23
Oh my mother loves to put a dent in any joy that comes my way. The first time my mother saw me in my wedding dress she asked me "How do I look".  Recently she gave me a sale coupon for a holiday I am about to go on - the coupon was for half price.  Why give me this coupon when the sale ends 31st January and I go on holiday 2nd February, just to try to make me feel a little bit bad that the price is less than what I paid for it.  I don't feel bad, I still can't wait to go, the dates were not for when I was travelling or for when I wanted to travel but why give this to me just before I go - to put a little dent in that joy.

She loves to put me down for being overweight.  She has made some remarks that I am jealous of her for being skinny (I'm not).  Why do they do this, I think it's to feel better about themselves.  I am the SG in the family and if she isn't trying to fit me into that role then what, she couldn't possibly admit that I am doing better than the GC.  She has been jealous of everyone her whole life even though she claims that everyone is jealous of her.  They aren't.  I deal with it now by giving her space when she is going through one of her catty stages.

On a good note, I am using her cattiness to encourage myself to lose weight and it's working a treat.  I work out so much harder just thinking about her.  I can't wait to see her face when I'm fit and healthy.

RavenLady

Quote from: Moon on January 26, 2019, 07:26:18 AM
The first time my mother saw me in my wedding dress she asked me "How do I look". 

I'm not sure I can imagine a more perfect example of maternal narcissism.  :o
sometimes in the open you look up
to see a whorl of clouds, dragging and furling
your whole invented history. You look up
from where you're standing, say
among the stolid mountains,
and in that moment your life
becomes the margin
of what matters
-- Terry Ehret

still recovering

My nDad had a habit of always having to 'up' my partner. I didn't really see that my dad was narcissistic until 2 years ago. He used to direct all of the underhanded, manipulative, diminishing of one's self at my empathetic partner. My partner loves technology, as did my dad, and it was probably the only topic where my dad encouraged him to talk about himself - because dad wanted to learn something and know what he should buy too. If my partner got a good camera, my dad got a better one - speakers, computers, motorbikes...
For me, the most notable experience my nDad (and enabler part nmum) ruined was when I went overseas to be a nanny at 25. The night before I left my dad got completely smashed and made up some story to hate on my partner about (we have been together for 16 years and were still going to remain together even though I was going on a self-discovery tour, of which I called my quarter of a life crisis). This hate story continued for the entire 9 months I was overseas. I yelled at my parents just days into my trip advising them I didn't want to hear from them because I couldn't handle the fact that they could not apologise and were ruining my trip, when it should've been the happiest and most exciting time of my life. My grandma ended up getting so sick, she was dying in the hospital and I returned home to see her before she passed. My parents took advantage of me at my weakest point and I let them back into my life. I didn't realise at this time the extent of what I was dealing with. That came later when I had my own child.
I don't remember them being so bad when I was a kid - I always had to be 'aware' of what mood dad was in and tip toe around him depending on how his face looked. From going 'no contact' 2 years ago and doing lots of research into NPD, soul-searching and learning to 'love myself' I realised I have never been allowed to have feelings. I didn't even understand what they really were. I knew happy, sad.
When I had my kid it wasn't the greatest of birth stories (whose is) and it was a bit traumatic. I remember at the time my dad had hurt his knee and had crutches so was hobbling around the hospital with a pained look on his face. Mum said to me when they first met my newborn son, "Dad cried himself to sleep last night". I was like, wtf? I almost died giving birth last night and I need to think/worry about dad and his feelings?
I now know that I deserve to have feelings, I deserve to have happiness and I deserve to have boundaries. I am still working on how to implement all of these, but understand it's a life-work in progress.

Call Me Cordelia

I started my own business to supplement our family's income, against the advice of uNM. She said I should work at Wal-Mart in the evenings after DH gets home and on the weekends. You know, like her.  :roll:

Anyway, I was staying with them for a week soon after. I was sharing my business with several family friends over the course of that week, and had several orders lined up. But one by one they cancelled, with some bland excuse. It wasn't until months later, after going NC, that I found out that mother dear had gone to each of those people and told them all that it was so sweet of them to order from me, even though it was obvious my product was really terrible!!! But poor Cordelia has always tried so hard. Anyway, I appreciate you being so nice to her.

:blowup:

11JB68

Oh Cordelia, that is so 😢 sad.
I'm so sorry.
I had a bad experience with my uPDm when I started a side biz too.
Sad when the ones who should build you up findways to put you down.

Andeza

Seems our parents don't know how to just be happy for us...

Since my first reply to this thread, I've got a heck of an incident to add.

The birth of our first child. I experienced what's known as precipitous labor, apparently extremely rare for first births, but the whole labor was done in three hours. :wacko: We pretty much ended up having an unassisted home birth because naturally our midwife assumed I'd be in labor for hours and hours as is normal for a first. Nope. :aaauuugh: My midwives now call me the super birther.

There are a few risks associated with that sort of labor, bleeding out among them, but when my M found out about the quick labor she assumed it must have been easy since it was short (more like terrifying and excruciating) and proceeded to compare the birth of our DS with an early miscarriage she had over forty years ago. Complete with recounting how sad she was at the time, and was preparing to launch into woe is her because that's the only time she ever got pregnant, which segways naturally into griping about why didn't my enF divorce her at a young age so she could have had children (hey what am I? chopped liver?). Instead of letting her get all wound up like she likes to I broke out the new best escape plan "Gotta go, the baby is crying!"

Holy guacamole... The fun just never ends.
Remember, that there are no real deadlines for life, just society's pressures.      - Anonymous
Lasting happiness is not something we find, but rather something we make for ourselves.

still recovering

Andeza, it really is surprising how they can make it about themselves at such an intensely personal experience such as giving birth. If one time in your life it can actually be about you, it should be when you have a baby! The fun does end, if you don't play...

11JB68

Oh, Andeza, my uPDm hijacked the birth of my ds too.
I had an emergency c section. She was so angry that she was 'left out', not informed/updated etc, fondant stormed into my hospital room demanding to know 'why everything in this family has to turn into a tragedy'.
I think that was my lightbulb moment. Horrifying. And me on a morphine drip...

StayWithMe

#31
Quote from: Call Me Cordelia on March 26, 2019, 08:49:54 PM
I started my own business to supplement our family's income, against the advice of uNM. She said I should work at Wal-Mart in the evenings after DH gets home and on the weekends. You know, like her.  :roll:

Anyway, I was staying with them for a week soon after. I was sharing my business with several family friends over the course of that week, and had several orders lined up. But one by one they cancelled, with some bland excuse. It wasn't until months later, after going NC, that I found out that mother dear had gone to each of those people and told them all that it was so sweet of them to order from me, even though it was obvious my product was really terrible!!! But poor Cordelia has always tried so hard. Anyway, I appreciate you being so nice to her.

:blowup:

I am always suspicious when things go from positive to negative with someone.  My first thought is whether someone we know in common has siad something negative about me.  Whenever I express this concern after one of these change if attitudes from someone I am dealing with,  people will say that I am crazy and paranoid.  No one in real life does that, you know........

AD

I remember getting a scholarship for a program, and being so excited when I opened the letter and got the news. I told my M, and PDF came over to get involved. I already knew not to share anything with him because he's always negative and ruins things. When I held back in talking about it, he ruined it anyways by starting to yell about it, saying that "he just has to pay for everything". (Umm...scholarship means the cost is covered actually)

I have as little contact with him as a can, but sometimes I tell M something and she passes it along. He was so happy when he thought he had info that I wasn't happy with my job and was applying elsewhere - and also just pleased to have that "dirt" on me.

He tried to convince me I would drop out in the first year of my program.

When I was in high school, he would tell me that I should pursue a certain job - something I had no interest in. When I said "I don't want to do that", he would start yelling at me about how he never had a job he liked. Ok, so you want me to be miserable too then?

alphaomega

OHh goodness YES.

Heres a doozie only a narc can administer...

My best friend asked me to be her birth coach to which I was absolutely over the moon about ! 

NPDM is a nurse (and also knew my BFF well) and of course BFF didnt want her anywhere near the hospital because shes overbearing and demanding.

The morning my Godson was born, I had been up all night helping my BFF deliver, and had to leave the hospital and come straight to work (we worked at the time together in a buisness may father left her when he died suddently) because NM couldnt run her own damn company without me... :stars:

So I walk in the office, still in a state of purse bliss at witnessing the miracle of birth, covered in amniotic fluid, exhausted from the experience, and this woman proceed to IGNORE me because she was absolutely INFURIATED that she wasn't asked to be a part of the birth.

She wouldnt speak to me because we never called her to come to the hospital so she could ruin her birth experience. :evil2:

It was another one of those times, I literally COULD NOT BELIEVE the depths of depravity this woman could sink to.
Dream in Peace W.I. - you are free now...

fixingtofix

Quote from: 11JB68 on January 11, 2019, 10:34:36 PM
Sorry don't mean to go off on this infantilization tangent too far, but wow, shockwave that's interesting.
My parents did it to me, and it was done to my son by my mother and in other ways by uPDh....

We have caught wind of my uPDMIL doing this with our kids. She basically told my kids (ages 8-12) that their interests weren't worth pursuing (video games, getting a job so they could buy candy, you know, kid stuff.)  We talked with our kids about how if gma is and told them they can argue back or just walk away. We also have made sure that she doesn't get to be alone with them anymore.

She doesn't do it with my husband because he argues back. She doesn't do it with me because I don't give her any ammunition.


fixingtofix

On my side of the family it took me a long time (as in this past year) to realize my mom and sister did this to me. It was horrible.

When I got married, driving to my wedding for my sister was a chore. When I had my first child, she made fun of my weight gain, made fun of what I ate (lady when you are still throwing up at 20 weeks, you can eat whatever stays down), she told my mom that I had a horrible diet and my mom called me up telling me how fat I was getting. I didn't live by them at this point and had seen my sister for a few hours at a family event. My mom hadn't seen me for four months.

After my son was born, I had some medical issues then struggled with some major baby blues (possibly PPD). When he was about a month old, my sister and my mom both called within a day of each other to let me know people were upset for not getting thank you notes for gifts. Uh, yeah, I knew they needed to be sent out, but I was still trying to figure out this child and my medical issues. They didn't say "hey is everything okay?" no they said "so and so said that they haven't received a thank you card yet, you need to do it."

My sister was angry with me for having a baby at the same time she did. She then lied to people that I didn't send the family baptism gown to her. (Which I did but she claims wasn't in the box but didn't call and say "hey you forgot that, could you send it?").

There are more stories, but those took a real toll on me and my self esteem.