Sabotaging Happiness

[SpunHead13]

Today i realized a pattern of behaviour my Nmom has, and i am wondering if others have experienced similar.

Its so obvious now that i have seen it, but while googling i couldnt find it to be a common trait. Looking forward to your thoughts.

She sabotages my happiness when ever she can. In particular when i am feeling confident. Below are a few examples.

When i told her i wanted to go to school for fashion design she made a bunch of excuses and convinced me not to apply. This lead to me dropping out of high school because I felt so rudderless, floundering in random jobs then going to a 1 year vocational college that lead to a career i eventually ended up leaving to pursue furniture design. (I still regularly wonder if i should be in fashion design instead)

While doing the career i eventually left, i grew to enjoy and collect furniture, she regularly made fun of and nagged me about certain items that i now know (after a degree in design) to be of value. At the time i threw these things out.

When i got sober, she kept trying to convince me to keep drinking. Going so far as to pour alcohol into a glass and hand it to me, then pretend she forgot i had quit. She did this for about 4 years into my sobriety.

When i started yoga, she tried to convince me to stop, i was likely quite happy as i was telling her about the experience and the impact it made on me. At the time i was getting Out of the FOG and (thankfully) didn't listen to her wackjob arguments.

And in smaller ways like when i wore an outfit that i felt good in, or did my make up in a way that gave me confidence, she would notice and pounce right away. It got to the point that when around her i would purposely dress frumpy to avoid being insulted.

Anytime I'm up, she tries to bring me down.

I am currently in LC with her as it is the only way i can see my dad and brother.

Have you experienced something similar? Is there a name or explanation of this trait?

[RavenLady]

Hi SpunHead13. I don't know the specific terminology for this, but it sure sounds like an abusive nightmare. Moms are supposed to build you up, not tear you down, undermine you, or sabotage you. So sorry you've been having to navigate this!

[Andeza]

I haven't experienced this with my mom, but have dealt with it in the form of coworkers, at jobs I no longer hold because I got out! They suck all the joy out of the room. Maybe it falls under projection? Jealousy? Not sure. Usually I see this coming from people who are utterly miserable with their own lives and they are unwilling to change their lives to make it better. Specifically that kind of person... So what they do is march around and share their gloomy outlook of all the positives you experience, nitpicking every little detail to make it worse. All because seeing someone else be happy is too painful for them to handle.

The other kind of person that does this, that I have experienced personally, is the kind that wants to be in control of everything in your life and tries to use criticism or left-handed compliments to do it. I stay far away from them when I find them. They are dangerous and clever people. 

In this case, especially concerning what you say about alcohol, it's just... I can only shake my head. It is beyond inappropriate. I'm so sorry you've had to deal with this, but I'm so happy you see it now for what it was.

Misery loves company.
If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy?

[FromTheSwamp]

My parents have always been in competition with us.  Sabotaging us makes them more likely to win.  Also when we were young it made us less able to have a life outside them. 

[twobytwo]

I think I've experienced something similar with my mom? She has a habit of making me question things about which I'm happy/excited - I got engaged, and she said my ring was ugly ... I got married, and she said my husband is controlling and abusive ... I make a new recipe, and she says it's too fattening for me because I need to lose weight ... I wear a new outfit that I like, and she tells me that it's unflattering ... I wear a new piece of jewelry, and she says it's too flashy/gaudy ... I got a new job that I love, and she says I'm being overworked. It's like she purposefully tries to plant doubts about things that I enjoy. And even though I objectively know that she's wrong about all of these things, she's still my mom, and it's hard to be strong enough not to let her opinions get to me. It just takes up so much mental energy that we shouldn't have to be spending on things like this, you know? I wish I knew more about a name for it or better strategies for coping with it; I'm interested in reading everyone's experiences and thoughts about this!

I'm really sorry about what you've gone through with your mom, but I'm so happy that it sounds like you've reached a place where you see it for what it is!

[11JB68]

Oh yes. Updm for sure.  If it wasn't her idea it must not be a good idea.
Updh too... E.g. ds21 got his grades this week. 3.6 (deans list) at a very competitive university. One B-...all others A/A-. Updh HAD to focus on the B-..... So sad.

[Absent Minded Artist]

I noticed this with my hpd/bpdMom also. I quit smoking for 2 1/2 years, and when she moved next door to me I picked up again. She refused to keep her cigarettes out of sight, would frequently hand me one that was already lit, etc. I had routine surgery and quit for 2 weeks beforehand. She gave me a get well soon bag of goodies and in it was a pack of cigarettes. I think seeing me fail made her feel better about herself?

[Shockwave]

This behavior is part of a process called infantilization. The purpose of it being part of the fact that the personality-disordered parent feels that the child is nothing more than an extension of themselves and if they get any sense of autonomy or independence, this will threaten their hierarchy and/or supply. So part of it is devaluation, and devaluation is putting down of the qualities, strengths and abilities of other individuals so they can be easily manipulated and targeted by the uPD. Think of it more like a predator using one of its many talents to catch prey. Some use poison, some use camouflage, some use chasing until exhaustion. You get the idea.

https://psychcentral.com/blog/why-narcissistic-parents-infantilize-their-adult-children/

[11JB68]

Sorry don't mean to go off on this infantilization tangent too far, but wow, shockwave that's interesting.
My parents did it to me, and it was done to my son by my mother and in other ways by uPDh....

[TwentyTwenty]

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this.

Put me on the list, and I have found that there could be a few reasons for a person to deliberately devalue another human. In my case, my Nm never accepted that I became a self-sufficient human being, able to find my own way and be an adult. Still wants to obsess-parent, discipline and scold me. When I first moved out, she exclaimed 'you can't do that' I replied, 'I already have.' When I changed my career, she said 'don't do that' and again, 'I already have' as well as a lifetime of various derangement - so in this case, it was her loss of control and authority to over-parent me, she repeatedly sought to lower me back into a position that I'd need her authority and control over me, trying to make me second guess my all of my decisions. 

The other reason that I've seen is that the parent's 'favorite' (not you) or person they wish to lift up, is not at the level she approves of, or is seen as a failure by others, and in her eyes, no-one should be more successful than this person - because she is still over control and has authority over that person, so if he's not a success then she may also be seen as a failure. In that case, they attempt to devalue you to a level they perceive as below the favorite. In that case, you are a target if you are perceived by her as more successful than her favorite, and you will be lowered at any expense - while any shortcomings on the other's part are either hidden or explained away if the are uncovered.

In any case, it is a harmful disease, and the only cure is, in my case, separation from the assault on your life.

[Yael924]

Hammer....meet nail head.

I was never allowed to buy my own clothes. I was the only 16 year old in the world who dressed like a 50 year old Jewish grandmother.

I could have starred on the Goldbergs. Except I wasn't allowed to shape my brows or  wear makeup.

Good times. 

[candy]

Oh my, TwentyTwenty, your thoughts on devaluing one or more persons (children or adult children) to lower them in their or others perception in comparison to their favorite is eye-opening for me.

Me and lost child Sib are high-achievers but PDF tells us (and M) what failures we are. GC-Sib one the other hand is the only adult child who still financially depends on PDF - but GC can do no wrong. It goes for all kind of things, academically, professionaly, personal and developmental capabilities, achievements.

The same happens in my IL family with SC-DH and GC-BIL.
I haven’t been able to make the connection - but yes, you’re probably right, the favorite has to do „best“.

[TwentyTwenty]

Candy, I am glad to share and hopefully helpful in doing so. That is the reason I sought out this community, to find help from folks that have similar experiences, and perhaps offer help out of my own experience. I feel like it is very unfortunate that any of us are saddled with even having these unpleasant conversations, it seems like all of us have a great deal of sadness that we have overcome, or working to overcome. But I'm starting to see that when we share our experiences and opinions with one another it strengthens our recovery, no matter how far along we are in the progress.

I also had my 'eyes opened' as you mentioned, when seeing the circumstance of how the GC was elevated and I was brought low.. I kinda almost knew it most of my adult life, but just thought all families did that and it was nothing unusual, but the epiphany moment for me was seeing my grown children & their spouses explaining what they were witnessing, and becoming mad that i was being treated that way. Hearing it from the outside, I think helps the light-bulb turn on, at least it did in my case.

[KeepONKeepingON]

Hi SpunHead13,

I did experience this with my mother, repeatedly. Whenever, I bought a new coat or dress, she would make some negative comment about my appearance. The collar of my new favorite coat didn't suit women like me with large breasts, or the length of my coat made my legs look fat. She really tried to take away any pleasure I got from new clothes and made me very self-conscious about my appearance. When I was happy after doing my hair and make up she grabbed me by the hair and slapped my face.

She also used to compare me unfavorably to my sister, after I studied in Germany for a year she casually commented that my sister (who had never lived in Germany) spoke German better than me. This really hurt as I was so proud of my language skills.

When I was really happy in a great new job, she hissed nasty comments at me.

She told me before my wedding, that on my wedding day no one would be looking at me! 

She wasn't happy for me when I married a nice man.

I think that my mother was deprived as a child, she never processed these experiences  and as a result she was envious of me and tried to take away any pleasure I got in my achievements. There's a description of the envious mother in Terri Apter's book Difficult Mothers.

I recognize this mean behavior in my mother is her problem. I am NC with my mother and I no longer have to put up with her cruel comments about things that make me happy. TBH, it's a relief not to have to deal with this kind of treatment any more.

I have two LOs and I cannot imagine treating them the way my mother has treated me.

It's really sad, you expect your mother to be happy for you when you do well. Unfortunately for us here on this site, that's not what we've experienced. 

[SpunHead13]

FromTheSwamp- That makes sense, it could be a way of keeping us from having a life outside of them.

Twobytwo- Yes! Exactly! My mom does this too! And then the doubts circle around my head and I question my own ability to make decisions. And having a name for is what I am looking for too. I had thought maybe "Belittling" But that doesn't quite sum up the extent or targeted nature of the behaviour.

Absent Minded Artist- That sounds very much like what my Nmom did in regards to alcohol. I'm so sorry that you had to go through that, having been a former smoker I know how hard it is, and that bag of goodies is a real stab in the neck, not cool. I do hope you try to quite smoking again.

Shockwave- OMG! You are so right! I had known about infantilization but had never connected the two. I'm going to save that article. To her it is a selfish and petty need for control, but her small actions have had HUGE effects on my life as a whole. Accepting that such pathetic motivations can have such devastating consequences is hard because the two are so unbalanced.

TwentyTwenty- What you describe is familiar to me and I'm sorry you had to go through it. The devaluing one to bring up the status of the other makes sense too. I've experienced it in my own family with mom switching between me and bro as her favorite during different times.

KeepONKeeoinON- Im sorry to hear you were treated similarly, and I'm sorry it got so far as physical abuse. Breaking though all those negative thoughts about my appearance is tough, and I still catch thoughts that literally sound like my moms voice (in my "mind's ear") telling me I'm ugly, or look stupid or look like a prostitute.  The wedding coment is just nuts!  We (on this site) have definitely been deprived of some normal human decency. Ill check out that book, thanks for the suggestion.

I think in the future if I come across this from Nmom, I will call it "devaluation for infantilization" or "devaluing for control". I find it helpful to have a name for a behaviour in order to make sense of it.

[Rosey_apple]

Hi SpunHead13

Yes.  Yes.  Yes.  This is exactly what my M has done all my life.  ALL the big events of my life she has tried to spoil (and little events).  For example,   The night before my wedding she threw a huge tantrum and insulted members of my husband's family - over their religion.  Of course that didn't go down well and I was branded with her words and never had a warm relationship with any of them.  FIL was a PD as well - controlling, mean and spoilt most things for us.  At 26 I applied for and got into university as a mature age student.  Well the criticism that ensured was nasty and relentless - in her stated view, "who did I think I was?" " a formal education is wasted money on a girl".  "Should stay home and look after the dog".  I resented having to spend my graduation night with them because there was never any support from my parents.  Then many years after our marriage, my DH and I decided to adopt a child from an overseas county (in fact we adopted two children but 5 years apart).  The criticism ensued and despite the fact that my parents lived less than 1 hour from the airport, they did not come to see either child enter into the country.  M's indifference continues until the present time.  She no longer speaks to us (long story, but I consider myself NC with her and her GC son).  The few Christmases she was invited to my house - she spoilt it.  She sulked and criticised everything - from what I cooked, to what I had bought for the children and wanted to be taken home early - a 3 hour round trip.  She certainly sucked all the enjoyment out of those Christmas celebrations.  Needless to say, she didn't get invited again.

I used to sing, but she spoilt that by competing with me, criticising everything and setting me up to fail.  I gave up my interest in this nearly 50 years ago now.  She just sucked all my enjoyment out of it.   

So yes she sucked all the enjoyment out of my big moments in life.  My FIL was exactly the same towards my DH and our FOC.  I think it is about control, mean spirited, jealousy and rage. 

I hate (strong word) my M and never want to see or speak to her again.  I have not spoken to her since she enlisted her "cold shoulder" Silent Treatment nearly 4 years ago.  She's lost her scapegoat and has no information about any of us in my FOC.  She isolated herself and alienated herself from  each of us in my FOC. 

I'm sorry for all the members here who experience this.  It's difficult to be joyful when there is "a thorn" in your side.  Letting her go was the best thing I have done for my FOC and myself.  I rarely think of her these days.  It takes a long time, but if you work on yourself and grieve, eventually you get to a place of peace.  In the early days I obsessed about her and my situation all day everyday.  I would wake up in the morning thinking about her.  But not anymore.  When I read posts such as this and the replies, it validates my thoughts about, feeling towards my awful M, and my experiences of having a nasty M.  Thank you for posting.  Your stories remind me why I am NC.

Regards
Rosey_apple

[yorkie]

I can really relate to this, I was never encouraged to do well or even to socialise and make friends when I was a child. They seem to hate to see us doing well. They are very, very jealous people.

When I failed at college first time around, my mother could not have cared less. Luckily, my ex encouraged me to go back 3 years later and I eventually got my degree

Even when my mother would buy me gifts she would not get me what I asked for. She done this just before Christmas too, she kept asking me what I wanted and I told her several times I didn't want anything for Christmas. Eventually (tired of her asking) I asked her to donate to a charity for helping orphaned orang-utans. She said she would do it, but in the end, did not do it. Instead, she bought me a whole bunch of clothes, and a diary which were (as usual) not to my taste. I exchanged the clothes for video games and I sold the diary on ebay I did not tell her, I just done it, my therapist had suggested it!!! I am still angry at her not donating to the charity so I am going to donate to it myself when I get more money

So yes, they hate to see you do well, they hate to let you have anything nice, or anything that you want. I think this is a common trait in them.

[Some One]

My mother got a huge kick out of tearing me down...often behaving like my rival in all aspects of life.  Whenever I think of my mother the song, "Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better" from the musical "Annie Get Your Gun" comes to mind, because that was so her!  Any time I made a move it was compared to how she would do it if she were me or it was minimized entirely, because I was nothing to her.  The men in the family followed suit.  My brother, GCBro, on the other hand is incredibly successful and one of those people who typically thrives in all he does.  The family would literally crowd around him in awe of all that he did.  This didn't help as it added to the I'm nothing someone else is everything dynamic that prevailed in my family as there was no room for personal accomplishments, personal successes or just middle ground normalcy that makes up the majority of the population.

[artfox]

Oh yes, I definitely got this from my mom.

She'd get mad if I was too excited about anything. I remember skipping around in the living room once, and she asked me why. I told her I was excited that it was almost Christmas, and she yelled at me and sent me to my room.

I really wanted to walk to school, so she decided to show me that I wasn't smart enough to do that. We got in the car, and she told me to tell her which direction to go and where to turn. I didn't know, and she said that proved I wasn't able to handle it.

Right before I was going to go stay with my dad for the summer, she announced that she was going to kill herself. A few days later, she took me shopping and told me to get whatever I wanted, and was mad that I was picking out just one or two things. I knew we couldn't afford more than that, and it scared the shit out of me that she was suddenly so laisse faire about how much we were spending.

In high school, I was in my first play, and I told her I had some free tickets that she could use to come see it. She told me that she didn't want to because high school plays are always terrible.

I was going to a drama workshop, and she was mad about needing to drive me, so she screamed at me the whole trip. I was in tears by the time she dropped me off, and I felt horrible the whole time I was there.

The week I was going to be leaving for art school, she cut loose on me with a half-hour-long screaming tirade about how it was unfair that I was going to art school when it was what she had always wanted to do.

Oh yeah. Lots of stories like these. I'm sorry to hear that so many of you have similar ones.

[JustKat]

My mother got a huge kick out of tearing me down...often behaving like my rival in all aspects of life.

My Nmother did this my entire life. She acted like she was my rival, not my parent. It actually got worse as an adult, when I started to have career success, bought a nice home, had things she was envious of. She would trivialize any success I had and tear down the things I bought, the clothes I wore, etc. At one point she actually managed to sabotage a promising employment prospect I had. She simply couldn't stand the thought of me having more happiness and more "stuff" than she did.