Clearing my head

[Pepin]

Despite all the boundary work I have done with regards to PDmil, I am still struggling.  When I am in her presence I can be neutral and look at her without becoming internally unhinged.  In fact, when I study her, I feel bad for her that she is the way that she is.  As a female it pains me to watch her rely on my DH for things that she or anyone else would be doing for themselves in order to be a normally functioning adult.  It pains me that she purposefully for as long as I have known her and even from everything that DH has told me about his past with her, that she must come first.  It took me a long time to understand that her acting "selflessly" was SELFISH.  As a young adult, she did not allow herself the opportunity to mature and decided that if she put her family before herself, that her children and anyone else in the family would do the same for her. 

My problem with all of this is that I cannot stop thinking about PDmil.  Every day I wake up, I think of her.  I waiver between feelings of anger and sadness.  As I said above, I am sad that she is the way that she is but I am also angry that I allow her to take up headspace.  I am angry that I didn't do a better job shielding my children from her and now one of them feels less about herself because of PDmil's bad behavior being allowed. 

I went through similar emotions with NF and truthfully it took me decades of therapy, moving across the country, having a family of my own in order to compare my trauma as a victim when I was a child and finally going NC.

I am unable to apply my detaching from NF to the situation with PDmil and it is frustrating.  For one, I cannot move away from her.  We live 20 minutes away.  Secondly, I am an adult and not a child so therefore I am not a victim; rather, by being a doormat, I allowed her to emotionally abuse me as an adult -- and for that I am livid with myself.  Third, DH doesn't see what she does as anything particularly harmful because he himself is still a victim.  He grew up with her and doesn't know any other way.  He allows her past to be an excuse for her behavior.  Lastly, I don't have anyone else I can compare her to, i.e. the way I do with my children and myself as a child.  Maybe when I become an inlaw myself is when I can have peace?  IDK. 

Please, any advice you have on getting this woman out of my head would be helpful.  I feel that I have written a lot about her on here -- just as I have with NF but perhaps now I have written about her more.  As long as my husband interacts with her, she will have a presence in my life.  I have racked my brain for answers and I know that 2 things would solve my problem in an instant: if we moved far away for DH's job -- which he could do but won't or if her health starts to fail rapidly and she can no longer care for herself.  If she moved to ASL, then likely I would see less of her.  She is around 80.  We went out the other night with her and in my opinion she looks awful.  She struggles to eat with any grace and she is slipping on grooming herself.  She has slowed down immensely and it is hard to tell whether she is zoning out on purpose to ignore the children and I or if her body is truly starting to dim the lights.  She didn't utter a word to me or my teens.

While I am sorry for the way that she is, I am not sorry for all the things I allowed her to do that hurt me.  Maybe I haven't forgiven myself enough for being a doormat?

[Moon]

If she doesn't speak to you or the children do you need to be there for dinner?  Perhaps you need a break from her.  If she is only talking to DH then maybe he could visit on his own for some quality time with her.  That way you get a break from her.  It's hard to get someone out of your head when they are in your presence.  You don't need to announce that you aren't seeing her just mention to DH that MIL seemed to only talk to  him and that you believe that she wants some one on one time with him.

I remember going through a stage of being really angry at myself for allowing things to have happened or for the times when I didn't react well and it made the situation worse.  I exercised, I wrote in a journal. I wrote down all the hate I was feeling, I then destroyed it or hid it away.  Sometimes I would read back what I had written and I couldn't believe what I had written but it has a way of getting it out which does eventually help you feel better.  Even when writing I sometimes found I tried to make it sound nicer but I had to tell myself to just write whatever was in my head, just get it out without thinking, just write.  In the end I destroyed everything I had written as I didn't want anyone else to see it.  It's not for sending or for anyone else to read, the purpose is just to clear your head.

It does take time but in the end you have to forgive yourself.  We aren't perfect, we can't always see what is going on in life.  We try to do the best we can.  I think in the beginning we are  trying so hard to get along that we simply don't see the nastiness and then when we see the nastiness we try to find a way to fix it and by the time we realise that the person shouldn't be being nasty to start with we are not only angry at them for being nasty but at ourselves for trying so hard to start with.  It's not a pleasant stage but I definitely needed time away from my MIL to deal with my anger.

[yorkie]

I don't think you should be angry at yourself, maybe the anger should be directed at her? I don't mean physically, just to know that its her and not yourself you should feel angry at. She kind of sounds like she's doing that ''learned helplessness'' thing, maybe? Sometimes it can help to write things out and use silly names for the people involved and really try to look at it from an outsiders perspective, so write about it in the third person. I done that regarding my mother a few weeks ago and it helped so much to see it clearly, objectively. I even felt sorry myself for the first time in a very long time.

[Leonor]

Sometimes just beneath the anger is sad.

Sometimes it's easier to feel angry than it is to feel sad.

Sometimes we feel sad but then some old voices come up to tell us not to be sad.

Because she has it worse.

Because she is ill.

Because she's not really your mom.

Because you should have known better.

Because you are all grown up now.

Because ... Because ... Because.

But.

It is sad to not have a "good mom" in your life.

It is sad to not have a loving grandma for your children.

It is sad to feel isolated during a family meal.

It is sad to feel like your life partner does not validate your feelings.

It is sad to feel anxious or upset or ruminating all the time.

Instead of trying not to feel ... (sad or angry or whatever) ...

What would happen if you gave yourself absolute and compassionate permission to feel?

What comes up?

The feeling that you don't think you should feel the most is the one that you need the most permission to feel.

Be kind and forgiving and compassionate and wise with yourself and allow yourself to feel.

[Pepin]

Because she's not really your mom.

It is sad to not have a "good mom" in your life.

It is sad to not have a loving grandma for your children.

  These are some big things that really just kind of demoralize me.  YES. 

I grew up Motherless so there is that piece that I struggle with...and I am also sad for DH not having an ideal mom, either.  And because I don't have a Mom, PDmil is the only grandma.  But she doesn't want to be the kind of grandma that many of us think of.  Yeah, I wish all sorts of things that she should be as a grandma that my peers get to have showered on their kids...but the stars didn't line up.  Had high hopes for PDmil.  But the more I got to know her, the more I realized that there were lots of things she really had no interest in doing or being.  And what is even harder is that DH pushes really hard to prove that she really is great and how much he admires her.  I guess I don't see that.  I don't see her making an effort.  The times that she did make an effort were when she wanted to have control.  She wanted to step in and do things without asking.  All along she seemed interested in the kids but really it was just to have time with DH.  Aside from that, the only thing she has ever consistently done is try and feed our kids.  If she was not feeding them, she would push more food on them at the table.  Every single interaction with her has been about GD food.  There are a million other things to do in life besides food.  My kids are teen girls and having food pushed on them is a losing scenario and it makes them feel like babies.  They are highly intelligent girls that have so much to talk about and their grandma just refuses to engage with them.  Could PDmil be jealous?  No doubt.  Her smartest son (DH) has two of the smartest daughters...in PDmil's family boys have always been favored and come first and I am sure she is nuts over the fact that our girls come first and can pursue their education as much as they want.  DH's sisters were denied that opportunity sadly.

Sorry for the rant....it has been tough.  It has been tough not having DH in my court, too.  He sees that I am a neutral person on the outside but doesn't realize how I am seething on the inside.  I'm telling you, when that woman is gone I am going to be someone DH won't recognize: insanely. happy. every. day. 

I should be able to be happy every day but I just can't with her around as much as she is.

[Moon]

Leonor has a really good point in that underneath the anger is something else.  For me it was hurt.  I was so hurt not only by my MIL but by my husband who I felt wasn't protecting me from MIL or protecting our marriage.  Feelings are going to be there, if you try to stuff them down they'll only come back stronger. 

[Nomoreblind]

I just had a day visit from NMIL & SIL.  I think the hurtful part is our husbands being blind to the subtle constant double meaning deniable daggers/remarks over the years.  The fact that they expose us to this nonsense from their FOO.   They have been exposed to this from childhood, so I came to the conclusion they had to have some coping mechanism to survive this madness.  They have been brain washed by it, so their level of tolerance is higher.  In the end when at some point I was living with my NMIL for 5 months and when I gave birth to my daughter, I had to gave ultimatums to my exposure to this sort of madness, drama, neediness, whatever the name?  We do not make children as investments into old age to be our servants.  These individuals do.  They need to be admired, seek attention.  The way she treats the waiters shows the true self behind the innocent looking old granny.  I don't buy into that anymore.  Do NOT expect genuine excuses,  expect fake compliments to show off, or when they want something you have, a child for instance... Narcissist supply.  EXPECT drama around holidays and to claim their son's like possession.  I simply observe her tricks now, detach take care of my child and read watch TV have a long bath or anything that keeps me at bay.  If she wants to manipulate me to do things she wants I simply say no and no further  explanation.  No small chat, cordial hello, good morning, good night. I gave up on trying and I have put my foot down.  I am sad for those with this type of parents.  H wants to receive them, let him do the cooking and cleaning after them.  What they tjink of you, is their business, not yours.  However , now I look at self care now and distance is the best cure.  Don't let them know who your friends are, what you enjoy or hate everything will be used against you.  Sad but keep your feelings to yourself guard them as your treasures. Be empty give nothing then they can't take anything. 

[Psuedonym]

Hi Pepin,

And what is even harder is that DH pushes really hard to prove that she really is great and how much he admires her.  I guess I don't see that.

I suspect cognitive dissonance may be the reason you can't get her out of your thoughts. If you are unfamiliar, cognitive dissonance is the concept that you can't hold two opposing thoughts in your head at the same time. On the one hand, you have your husband trying to convince you of what he wants you (himself?) to believe, on the other hand you have what you know to be true. Your brain can't accept both, so it end up stuck in a loop, endlessly trying to fight it out. I went through this experience (probably still am to a lesser extent) with my uBPD m and it is exhausting. I found that just learning about it and understanding what it was helped, as well as practicing mindfulness. https://outofthefog.website/other-articles/2015/12/11/cognitive-dissonance

[Maisey]

In the past, I have worried myself frazzled that I didn't handle things right, or reacted wrong.

Now I am forcing myself not to worry about doing the wrong thing or responding wrong.  I have made myself ill trying to do the correct thing .

Fact is, its a screwy situation and no matter what i say or do, its going to be twisted up.

So heck with it. Might as well speak my peace , cause the ILs will find something to be upset about anyways.

M.