When they're mad.

[logistics]

I am currently being given the silent treatment. A business did not honor confidentiality and provide husband with some information. I spoke with business. The manager agreed the information shouldn't have been given. I don't tell husband some things because he gets mad and blows it out proportion.

I am having a moment of clarity in the silence. How can you tell if my PD loves me or is mad at me?  I don't because lately he treats me the same way. 

During the good days, he doesn't acknowledge my presence or all I do.  During the good days, spends limited time with me. During the good days, he could care less about providing me comfort and care. During the good days, he could care less about helping me out in the evening because he works so hard. During the good days, he doesn't help with the childrens activities. I am questioning why this is my chosen relationship.

[bruceli]

What made you choose him? Is it still there? Does the good outweigh the bad?

[droversrungal]

I am having a moment of clarity in the silence. How can you tell if my PD loves me or is mad at me?  I don't because lately he treats me the same way. 

During the good days, he doesn't acknowledge my presence or all I do.  During the good days, spends limited time with me. During the good days, he could care less about providing me comfort and care. During the good days, he could care less about helping me out in the evening because he works so hard. During the good days, he doesn't help with the childrens activities. I am questioning why this is my chosen relationship.

Man...this so sounds like my life! For example today I was getting ready for the "big game" and I am very sore from arthritis (appt this week with specialist) and just walking or standing hurts me.  I got up did the dishes, started making food, cleaned up, worked on more food etc.  He saunters into the room and totally ignores me then goes and sits in the living room.  When I go in there to open a window ( and struggle with it) he says, do you want some help.

Well, duh, we have the same discussion every time we have people over...for the past 25 years.  I did not really say anything I just kind of sighed.  He got mad and followed me down the hallway and I said well what do you need help with all huffy.  I asked him why he was yelling at me and he said your the one being  mad.  To which I yelled, I am in pain and can hardly walk but I am doing everything that needs to be done before everyone comes later.  He says well you said something about ice, I can go get ice,  And he does.  Then he sulks in his room all day.  And I mean ALL day.  He came out to eat and barely said anything to our kids.  Then he went back in the room.  When our friends came over ...he still sulked in the bedroom even though myself and several of the kids told him our friends were here.

[SonofThunder]

Hello logistics,

I'm sorry you are experiencing the silent treatment and that the bank did not protect your confidentiality. 

Your question about love vs mad is, imho for all of us non's, a foggy area.  I am of the opinion that PD's do not know how to really love.  But, I must say that my definition of love may be different than others.   For me, truly loving another person is wanting what is BEST for another person, and what is BEST, should be dictated by a person's understanding of truth.  For me, truth is based on the Bible, but for others, it may be some other foundational understanding. 

For this reply, though, I will comment based on my definition.  What is BEST does not necessarily mean that the other person will experience joy or happiness when being loved my me.  Frankly, imho, wanting or helping to facilitate something other than what is BEST for another person is frankly unloving, because it reveals an agenda on our part and that may mean selfishness could be at play as as well.

Again, imho, I do not believe that PD's know how to desire/facilitate what is best for another person (love), because their entire mental being is focused on 'self', in one form or another.  For example, even a PD's act of gift giving becomes a self motivated act, as they seek appreciation from others or try to out-give to get praise. 

Silent treatment is passive agressive punishment and it is unloving.  But as a non, being silent though, such as my tool implementation of MC and No-JADEing and even NC is not silent treatment, but self protection.  Although my PD May think I'm giving the silent treatment.  Silent treatment is not silent...it is subtly expressed anger in ways that are made known to the person receiving it (mumbling words of distaste, body language that silently conveys anger, silent manipulation and so on)

So, I believe that all of us non's need to think deeply about our PD, and if all actions and reactions from them are really based on self vs the choice to love (desire/facilitate what is BEST for the other person), then we have to choose if we want to be in a relationship where true love really doesn't exist and sadly, may never. 

I must also though, always remember the 50% rule, which states that I am 50% responsible for all that I endure from my PD because I have the choice to walk away.  Therefore it is my choice to remain in a relationship with a PD and I will focus (using the 51% rule instead) on protecting myself while I love (want what is BEST) for my uPDw. 

SoT.

[Anonymous Member]

I've always thought that something good can  come out of silence in the house even if it is meant to be manipulative.

[Samuel S.]

You have every right to question the validity of your relationship from what you have described! I am sorry that he is treating you that way! It's not fair to you whatsoever! Also, it is showing your children bad habits.

My PDw treats me the same way, and I question why I am with her. She minimally cares about me by making food for us while she complains about doing so. BTW, I offer to help, but she doesn't like how I clean.

I hope your PD, my PD, and all of our PDs realize we are loving before we decide to leave one way or another!