Hoover or Not?

[MeFirst]

After 7 months split I received an email from my uNPDx this week offering to help me get my car fixed (pay for it) Our kids (toddlers) told him the car was broken. On the surface it sounds nice but it he hasn't helped me with any costs for anything since he walked out so why now? Is this maybe an attempt to Hoover?

He made sure to mention the kids need transport. We also have mediation next week.

[Starboard Song]

It certainly isn't change, because it doesn't even claim to be. It is just an offer of financial assistance. Willingness to help like that -- or the lack of it -- is probably not what lead you both to this point.

So it seems like a witless hoover if Hoover it is.

[Satya]

Sounds like a Hoover/gaslighting to me. Like he's trying to show what a kind and generous person he is, and you're crazy for not wanting to be with him.

It could just be him trying to make sure his kids are taken care of, but with mediation coming up, maybe he's trying really hard to look good.

[sad_dog_mommy]

I don't think it is a hoover.  I think he wants to make sure you have transportation so he doesn't have to do any extra work moving the kids between his house and yours.  Plus he might be trying to "butter you up" before your mediation.   Would he score points for helping you? 

You are smart to question his motives.   

[MeFirst]

To take up the offer I would have to contact him so that's why I thought Hoover. I think it's also to look good for mediation and so the changeover venue doesn't change as he wants McDonalds and maybe he fears not seeing the kids if I can't get there.

I'm sure his motives are all about him, not really to help me or the kids.

[HotCocoa]

My ex will send me emails, "(formal name which I never use), I am trying to help you, there is something wrong with you if you don't accept., you need mental help."  It's all about his control, that he makes more money, that he wants to look generous.  However, if I were to accept, I would have to do 50 things he wants me to do in order to maybe be able to get his help.  It's a narcissist ploy in my opinion.  I would rather borrow the money elsewhere or simply just not do it until I had the funds to do it.  My ex is about the control.  So I would say, it's a ploy.  He wants something.  To look good to the court, or for you to simply look like an unreasonable person.  I found it best to ignore any and all requests of "help".  His kind of help led to me being foggy, confused and off kilter of trying to figure out what his end game was.  Cat with a mouse.  Don't play the game.

[Findingmyvoice]

Whatever his motive, you can be sure that it is self-serving.

[MeFirst]

That's for sure!! He isn't doing it to benefit me!

Wonder what he would have done if I said "yes please, I need a couple of thousand dollars" lol

[SonofThunder]

Hoover?  Could be. 

In my experience with my uPDw, these types of small acts of kindness are an easy PD erasure; a reset button of sorts.  She can go on for months in attempted PD control and manipulation, and then arises an small act of kindness, that seems to soothe her soul for a moment.  I take it that she uses these acts as a type of self-forgiveness and expects me to feel the same way.

In a future time of tumultuous interaction, she will remind me of a past act of kindness and use it in defense.  My uPDw is very classically black and white; the all good or all bad mentality.  Therefore any act of kindness makes her 'all good', so therefore I must be incorrect to feel hurt by her.

Surely, the car fix could be an attempted Hoover, but having his toddler children tell him that moms car is broken, probably landed on a nerve of blame and so in his potential black and white world, fixing your car erases all past faults and in the eyes of his children, he becomes the hero;  mommy's car was broken....daddy is the fixer. 

SoT

[Findingmyvoice]

It's very confusing to see these glimpses of kindness.
For me it throws me off for a day or two as I try to make sense of why.

Every once in a while she will do something that seems normal or nice.
A small act of goodwill or like yesterday a polite surface level conversation.

I realize that my expectation for her behavior is set ridiculously low.  If she doesn't glare at me, attempt to make a scene in public, send me messages full of blame and accusations I am pretty happy.
When I say small act of goodwill I mean something like giving me a belonging that I have been requesting for months or not arguing endlessly over minor parenting decisions.

It makes me think that things could change, that maybe we could get along as co-parents.
However, I think that it makes sense to step back and think about their behavior as a whole and not just the "nice" thing that she did.
This was my mistake during our relationship, I would allow that one nice thing to "reset" the way that I thought about her and all of the negative, harmful things that she said and did.
If I think about how she is currently not allowing me to have my belongings or be in our house, how I am paying for all of her living expenses and how she is not financially supporting her kids the picture becomes clear again.
Never mind the emotional immaturity, the constant blame, accusations and threats.

I have to remind myself not to worry about "why".  Because there often is no real reason.
Maybe just the constant yo-yo of her emotions.
Maybe a different tactic for her to get what she wants.
Maybe because she feels bad for something she has done.

[Spygirl]

My stbxh does the same stuff.

Imo, it is his way of getting any kind of response, so he can find out what buttons to push to manipulate me. Most of the time, i do pretty good with it. Sometimes i lose patience
And get emotional. That is never good for me. I end up getting more of the behavior that set me off. My h likes to stall and throw out excuses, or dumb resons why he has to wait to do something. He just likes to have control. Or at least think he does.

So, i totally get your frustration, and yeah, its all FAKE. I Dont buy into it.