What's he planning? Or am I wrong to suspect?

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What's he planning? Or am I wrong to suspect?
« on: January 13, 2019, 09:02:51 AM »
Ds12 was supposed to be with his uNPD father and uNPD smum for 19 days from Christmas.

He came back 6 days early. (Yay!) They all cited him missing me as the reason for his early return. I do believe that he missed me as he's been an absolute joy since he arrived.

But he also informed me that if he hadn't come back he was going to be alone in their apartment for several hours each day while his uNPD father and uNPD smum went to work.  I guess he figured he'd rather be bored with his mum than bored on his own!

Anyway, we rearranged the holiday schedule accordingly and he was supposed to go back to his father for this last weekend.

I received an email from uNPD exH midweek saying he'd been called interstate for work, wouldn't be free over the weekend and didn't know when he'd be back.

Then another email over the weekend saying he wouldn't be able to see ds12 until the start of February.

It's not unusual for him to work interstate or to be away for lengths of time.  But I'm not usually informed and ds either stays with his uNPD smum or is palmed off onto someone else.

UPD exH rarely contacts ds when he's with me and often doesn't respond to the (very rare) texts that ds sends to him, seemingly preferring his uNPD wife (the uNPD smum) to communicate with ds instead.

I've asked ds a few times this week if he wants to contact his dad but he says no. He says they haven't had a falling out and they did seem fine with each other when ds was dropped off last week.

So, what's going on?

I'm fully expecting the uNPD smum to contact me asking to see ds while he's with me but am surprised she hasn't already done so and that she hasn't mentioned it to ds in her almost daily texts.

What do I say if she does ask?

And then there's the inevitable drama coming up when uNPD exH "requests" to make up the weeks he's missed these holidays.

Or will he ask?  Has he abandoned ds?

I'm probably reading too much into this situation, I know.

Has anyone else had this experience? What should I expect?

AOD

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Penny Lane

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Re: What's he planning? Or am I wrong to suspect?
« Reply #1 on: January 13, 2019, 09:05:46 PM »
Enjoy your time with your son! I don't think you should let his stepmom see him. I certainly wouldn't expect BM to do that for me. Stepparents don't have custody rights. Especially if the request comes from her and not your ex!

If your gut is telling you something is going on, it probably is. I wonder if your ex and his wife are having problems. Or maybe he's doing badly at work and needs to focus on it for awhile. Over here, when BM checks out like that it usually means something is going either really badly or really well in her life (like she's about to lose her job or she has a new boyfriend) that she needs to focus all her attention on.

BM has never given up six days in a row with the kids, though, so my experience might not translate.

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Re: What's he planning? Or am I wrong to suspect?
« Reply #2 on: January 14, 2019, 08:44:05 AM »
Thanks, Penny Lane.
I agree.

And I'm absolutely LOVING having my boy with me, even though it's meant putting my holiday plans aside.

I could easily get used to this life. Especially the lack of interference from the uNPDs and the knowledge that I won't see them for some time. Being on holidays from work is an added bonus too.

🙂

AOD

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MeFirst

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Re: What's he planning? Or am I wrong to suspect?
« Reply #3 on: January 14, 2019, 09:24:37 AM »
My money is on your ex and his wife not getting on and maybe about your child too. Something similar happened to me in reverse. I was the stepmum and when I asked my then partner to support me in looking after the child on my own he took her back to her BM.

Hope it sorts out for you. Enjoy your extra time x

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Re: What's he planning? Or am I wrong to suspect?
« Reply #4 on: January 15, 2019, 10:19:15 AM »
That must have been difficult, MeFirst.

Ds has told me a few times about arguments that his uNPD father and uNPD smum have. But I doubt that things are bad enough for his father to start to refuse to let his wife look after ds. I can't see him admitting that she's the apalling person she is, especially since he's very much the same as her!

The rest of the holidays are pretty booked up now. But if they weren't, what could I say if the uNPD smum were to ask to see ds? "Hang on. Let me check if it's ok with ds's Dad (your husband) first."

Now that would go down a treat! With both of them.

AOD

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Stepping lightly

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Re: What's he planning? Or am I wrong to suspect?
« Reply #5 on: January 15, 2019, 11:23:09 AM »
Hi AoD,

I think this is one of those situations you have to assess if/when it happens.  If SM wants to see him, I would say, "I'm sorry, we've rearranged our schedules already to accommodate the change in schedule that you requested, DS will return to his father on X date".  They are going to flip out no matter what, but they shouldn't be allowed to jerk you around.  You changed your plans because they weren't able to manage their time with DS, that was their decision, you don't have to keep changing your schedule.   Document that you have already accommodated them.

 I would say though, if his father says, "can I have DS for dinner one night"- that would be worth considering so that you aren't seen as keeping DS from them (but if SM asks, you have no obligation).  As the SM in our situation, I would never dream of asking for time from the other parent, EVER.

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Penny Lane

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Re: What's he planning? Or am I wrong to suspect?
« Reply #6 on: January 15, 2019, 12:25:43 PM »
I always think it’s best when DH keeps it vague. If he gives BM a specific reason why he doesn’t want to do with the thing she’s asking for, she just tries to argue with the reason. I always suggest he say something vague like “that doesn’t work for me” or “it doesn’t fit into our schedule.” What’s unsaid is that sometimes it doesn’t work for him not because he’s otherwise busy but because he doesn’t want to deal with her bs! And of course sometimes we are busy, but she doesn’t need to know the details of that anyway. She’s still terrible about it sometimes of course, but usually at that point he can stop responding. You have an absolute right to say no to the stepmom, for any reason or none at all. I’m sure she doesn’t think you do, but you do. I don’t think you have to be shy about asserting that right!
« Last Edit: January 15, 2019, 12:28:14 PM by Penny Lane »