A new ex inlaw development?

[Associate of Daniel]

I'm wondering if my uNPD exH has had a falling out with his parents.

When we were married I believed that we were expected to (and therefore did) attend family dinners for every birthday, especially his mum's, since her's is on Christmas Day.

But ds is rarely seeing his uNPD father's parents now. He doesn't think he's seen them since at least May last year.  They didn't see each other at Christmas either.  Very unusual.

But they have apparently moved a few hundred kilometres away from both of their children and my exMIL's father who's in a hostel/nursing home.

Ds has told me that his uNPD smum told him that when his uNPD father was small his father used to yell at him a lot and he wished he'd known what to do about it.

Am I being silly thinking that she should not have told ds that? If anyone was to tell him it should have been his uNPD father. But perhaps ds shouldn't have been told at all?

So, if there's been a falling out, 2 things come to mind:

Will the ex inlaws contact me requesting to see ds?

(They dumped me like a hot potato over 6 years ago when their uPD son left me for his uNPD girlfriend (now wife). I've not heard from them for years.)

Should I contact my ex inlaws offering to assist contact with ds?

My answer to both is



But what are your thoughts?

AOD

[Penny Lane]

I think it is up to your ex to manage your son's relationship with his parents. I don't think you have any obligation to facilitate their relationship. I don't think you should contact them and if they contact you, you can just tell them they need to discuss it with their son. I think it's best even with to healthy coparents that each parent handles the relationship with their extended family.

I also don't think it was great that your son's stepmom was telling him negative things about his grandparents - I certainly wouldn't tell something like that to my stepkids (not that it's true anyway, my inlaws are great).

[Associate of Daniel]

Thanks, Penny Lane.

I agree and at this stage have no intention of contacting my ex inlaws.

We always got along but on a very superficial level. We really have nothing in common.

We didn't have a falling out but they just abandoned me when their son left me. Never contacted me, even when they knew how badly their son was treating me. Or even to send courtesy emails of acknowledgement on the rare occasions I contacted them.

I think before I would arrange contact between them and ds I'd require us to have an in depth conversation to put us back on track. But quite frankly, because they've offered no relationship, no acknowledgement of me and no help over the last 6+ years, I don't trust them. And I don't think I really could trust them again.

Ds doesn't seem too concerned that he doesn't see them. But I wonder if he might ask me one day to facilitate a catch up.

Thankfully he has a great relationship with my parents, so he at least has one set of involved grandparents. (Who absolutely adore him)

All my thinking is not so much worrying these things will happen. I highly doubt they will. I guess I'm just trying to prepare myself for if such situations do arise in the future.

AOD

[Stepping lightly]

Hi AOD,

I agree with PL, you have no obligations in my opinion.  If they reach out, I would redirect them back to your ex.  I think you need to be careful having any interaction, even with the best intentions, will add yet another party to the conflict that will potentially team up against you.  Sorry if that is pessimistic, but with PDs, the less people involved, the better!

If it helps any, even with me and DH- I manage my family, he manages his....and that's with an intact/happy marriage. 

Good Luck!

[athene1399]

I agree. I wouldn't stress over it. If the x-ILs was to see DS, they have to do it on your ex's time, therefore contacting him to schedule time or whatever.  I feel that contacting them about visiting DS is not your responsibility. And if there is a falling out between them and your ex, you reaching out could cause drama. It's nice that you are thinking of them and wondering if they would want to see DS, but that's between them and your ex IMO.

[sonto92]

Associate - I was just in this similar situation.  My BPDx has totally cut off her parents (my former in-laws) and this has been an ongoing thing now for like three years.  My kids are younger, and they are stuck in the middle of "I know my mom doesn't want me to have a relationship with them but they are still my grandparents".  I had to have an honest discussion with my in-laws a month ago that I would have to get out of the middle of this triangle because it is causing too many problems.

[Associate of Daniel]

That's sad, Sonto92.

Can you tell me what the outcome of the conversation with your ex inlaws was?

Do you have any contact with them anyway or are they no longer a part of your life, like in my situation?

AOD

[Stepping lightly]

How was your relationship with the in-laws prior to your split?  Did you get along, were they kind?

I would  understand them dropping you, no offense.  DH and I have talked about this with BM's mother.  Her mother is  very aware that if there is any type of communication with DH, BM will cut her off immediately from seeing he kids.  Her mother is aware her daughter has issues, and she certainly won't want to lose access to the grandkids.  She had to pick sides, but that doesn't necessarily make her a bad person, just a desperate grandparent.

I will say that BM's mother reached out to us one time when we were in her town (several states away) for a close family funeral.  It was a very difficult time for DH/me/Kids as we had just cared for the deceased family member in our home.  BM's mother texted us the morning we arrived asking to see the kids.  I seriously went through the roof.  Takes a lot of freaking nerve.  But I settled, and said, "actually, now that I have had a  section to calm down, it may not be a bad idea".  We allowed it.  It actually helped us out tremendously so we could spend time planning at the funeral home and she took care of the kids.  It also showed the kids that we supported family.  I told DH, "Her mother has nothing to gain but creating drama with this, if she does, it'll never happen again and she knows it".  It went well, her mother was actually really sweet to us.

[Associate of Daniel]

Thanks, Stepping Lightly.

I got along ok with my ex inlaws but it was a superficial relationship.

I understand that they probably felt awkward when uNPD left me and may have worried that any communication they had with me, that he knew about, could have resulted in him not letting them see him or our ds.

But the emails that I sent to them that he wouldn't have known about really warrented a courtesy reply/followup.

The fact that they didn't respond makes me think they drank the coolaid and believe all the rubbish that uNPD exH and his uNPD wife have undoubtedly been telling them.

So I'm glad they're no longer in my life.

But they seem to have seperated themselves from their children now too, and consequently ds.

It's sad. But good at the same time.

AOD

[sonto92]

My former in-laws are basically good people - they are very conservative and very religious.  Also - they have been in a little denial about their daughters mental health - it's just their daughter being their daughter.  I have been doing a lot of reading as of late on  setting boundaries and being OK with those decisions.  It was very difficult for me to tell them that I needed to remove myself from the middle of this situation and that I would no longer be the middle man connection with the kids.  My kids have this dichotomy of "I want to see my grandparents but I don't want to make my mom mad and if I am going to do it it will be on my dad's parenting time" - this has my kids very confused and not sure how to act or make decisions with respect to their grandparents - they don't know if they are coming or going.
For my own piece of mind, I had to set that boundary in place

[Associate of Daniel]

Ds12 told me tonight that he has told his uNPD dad that he misses his paternal grandparents.

Apparently the response was that there is an argument between his uNPD dad (and his uNPD wife) and his parents so they couldn't let ds see them at the moment.

Ds doesn't know what the argument is about. He thinks that he will be allowed to text and facetime  his grandparents at his uNPD dad's house though.

Ds is under the impression that his grandparents haven't been contacting his dad or him for a long time.

So my suspicions have proved to be correct. Very sad.

But I intend to stay well out of it and we'll see what eventuates.

AOD