No Contact 6wks & whamo-Hurtful letter

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No Contact 6wks & whamo-Hurtful letter
« on: January 14, 2019, 04:21:50 AM »
The last 6wks have been liberating, I had the best Christmas, New years & bday w/o having any contact w/ NBDF. A several page hand written letter arrived- with stickers on the envelope! cute :roll: A trirade of how I've been disrespectful for the last 10yrs, never believe anything he's said, ruined christmas and his bday... how I didn't learn the golden rule and ordering me to call, write or visit if I had, but I probably hadn't and he can't be associated with that sickness!... sigh. my husband said it was kindling.. to make matters worse my grandmother is not well, I've tried calling and he answered! Family says I need to visit and pick things out that I want.. my anxiety is through the roof at the thought. I desperately want to see her but in no way want to see him-ever. Meanwhile the girlfriend that left him is slowly seeing him again!! Feeling determined, but guilty about not seeing my beloved grandmother and extended family. Thanks for listening.


betta fish

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Re: No Contact 6wks & whamo-Hurtful letter
« Reply #1 on: January 14, 2019, 05:48:13 PM »

I was where you are.  My biggest advice is, DON'T READ this letter anymore or any in the future (should their be some).  Have your husband read the letters and have him call your grandmother's house so you don't have to hear his voice.  The point of the letter is to shame you back to obedience.  This totally sucks and is a difficult thing to have to go through.  Reading an abusive letter is hurtful and it can't be unread, so it stays with you.  I guess that is the point.  Please remember how good you had it during X-mas and how good it felt to be at peace.  No one deserves to be treated like this.
ďStepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.Ē
― Maya Angelou



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Re: No Contact 6wks & whamo-Hurtful letter
« Reply #2 on: January 14, 2019, 07:41:02 PM »
Iím sorry youíre on the receiving end of what I used to call the ďtoxic letter bombĒ. These missives are so destructive as they fall into our lives. Like you, I felt a lot of bad feelings, like anxiety, rush to the surface until I was able to process the contents and move on.

Initially, I hoped that the letters would offer a path of reconciliation, but was disappointed over and over until they simply became reminders of why I went NC and reaffirmed that this was the only choice for me.

The bit about ďYou need to visit TO PICK THINGS OUT  :aaauuugh:Ē really stood out to me. Itís one thing for your grandmother to gift you something to remember her by, but quite another to start picking out what you want whilst sheís still alive.  :stars: 

They do seem to be pulling out all the stops to rein you back in and your determination to resist is really healthy.

Perhaps your DH could  call the house and only pass you the phone when youíre sure itís your grandmother on the line? Or maybe you can write her a card/send flowers if you canít find a way to speak to her. Iím sorry youíre not able to be by her side at this time, itís unfair to the both of you and none of it is your fault.

Hugs of support.
"How do you do it?" said night
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"I keep it simple." said light
"One day at a time" - Lemn Sissay

'I think it's important to realise that you can miss something, but not want it back' Paul Coelho

'We accept the love we think we deserve' Stephen Chbosky


Call Me Cordelia

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Re: No Contact 6wks & whamo-Hurtful letter
« Reply #3 on: January 14, 2019, 09:02:29 PM »
Iíve gotten a handful of those toxic letters over the last year from the PDs in my life. It is awful. Please let yourself feel angry or cry or whatever it is you feel about it. One thing I did to my dadís letters is take a red pen to it and make all kinds of sarcastic comments in the margins. Drawing pictures of tiny violins, counter-quoting his guilt-tripping Scripture references. Basically calling out all the stupid manipulations in a way that would not be safe to his face. It helped. I was still angry but it was healthy to be able to laugh. Those letters are infuriating, but laughable too. It helped me internalize how small and pathetic this man Iíd always been so terrified of really is.

Over time and having processed it Iíve started to see those letter bombs as a gift... the only validation the PDs able to give. Validating my conviction that Iím so much better off without them, that is. Like that other thread about being grateful for the mask dropping, I have written proof of their illegal harassing and libelous behavior, inability to take responsibility for anything whatsoever, to see anyone else having a different point of view, blaming me for everything even stuff they completely made up, and general horribleness. If I ever start to waver I can refer to how they treat me when they are supposedly trying to reconcile. Really, that was the stated goal of four such letters! That was their best!

Sounds like your dad was also trying to ďget you backĒ in similar fashion.  :sadno: Thank God that isnít going to work for him. The stickers on the envelope are next-level, though. I mean, thatís insane. Hereís a happy little sticker... because Iím the nice one. Now Iíll proceed to rip you to shreds. Iím the good guy.  :blink: Desperately clinging to false self, we have a winner!  :applause: