When you hate where you live...

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Pepin

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When you hate where you live...
« on: January 16, 2019, 07:24:52 PM »
Feeling demoralized today.  Started out as a good day at home getting things done with everyone out of the house.  And then I hear some loud noise outside coming from the side of the house only to realize that it is my neighbor cleaning their walkway.  Obviously they are not skilled with the pressure washer...the side of my house including the new windows I had installed last month are filthy.  I am meticulous about how clean I keep it on that side.  Now the new windows, the basement windows and the window wells, the siding and the ground have to be cleaned. 

Sadly, there is no action I can take against this neighbor as they are a raging temper tantrum throwing N.  Everything I have tried in the past has failed.  I took pictures of the mess, sighed, and walked back into the house to work on other things that needed taking care of.  I just have no words for people like this who think they are entitled to make a mess on our side.  I already successfully reroofed our home and had the exterior painted without a single thing landing on the neighbor's side...but if a leaf falls on their side from me trimming the hedge we share, I get yelled at.  I have endured them cleaning their roof multiple times....with the debris falling our way since their roof slopes toward our property.  And when confronted I was told that I deserve it.  When we moved into our home we had our chimney repointed and the mason made some mess that went my neighbor's way.  We approached the neighbor first with an apology and whatever it would take to clean it up.  We were met with vitriol and told to go away.  That was 5 years ago...and what the mason did was nothing compared to one of their roof cleanings.   :'(  Guess I will be paying for this for the rest of our time living here.  4 years until we are empty nesters and then we can think about moving.  I am going to need a lot of strength to make it until then.   
NPD F (overt) NC
DPD MIL (covert) VLC
FALLEN GC SIB
GC#2 SIB (covert) LC headed to NC

No PD is going to tell me what to do.

People who don't bring joy, let them go.

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looloo

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Re: When you hate where you live...
« Reply #1 on: January 16, 2019, 09:50:44 PM »
Hi Pepin,
Problem neighbors are a miserable thing to deal with!  I’m sorry your neighbor is rude, causes more work for you, AND has anger issues. 

H and I are also unhappy with thei neighbors on either side of us, and also the ones behind us.  At least they’re not angry, but they are noisy, leave trash in the alley, leave their dog out 24/7 and let it bark all the time...We stopped hanging out in our backyard because of the constant cloud of cigarette smoke that wafts over...

We’ve been fantasizing about moving somewhere quiet, with a homeowners association, and neighbors just a little less close by!  Hopefully it’ll become a real plan soon.
“If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.”  Oscar Wilde.

"My actions are my true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand."  Thich Nhat Hanh

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NoVoice357

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Re: When you hate where you live...
« Reply #2 on: January 17, 2019, 03:37:29 PM »
Hello Pepin,

I can relate to what you are going through very much. Bullies and narrow-minded, dysfunctional neighbours can make our lives a living hell. Unfortunately, moving is not always feasible.

IMO, it was not what the mason did but your behaviour when you apologized and told him you would do whatever it takes to clean up. Although this is the right thing to do when dealing with healthy people, it has the opposite effect when they have a Cluster B PD or with highly narcissistic neighbours. You showed him that you care about others, that you want to resolve conflict and keep the peace. I did that too in the past so I decided to avoid being too nice to people I hardly know or that I have just met, especially if they live next door. I use medium chill first. I can always change my mind and become nicer to them when I am sure they do not have a NPD/BPD/AsPD.

If possible, do not show yourself upset, angry or distressed when you see he has just done something to your property to make you react. Even if he is not there, he may be watching you just to see your reaction.
First he will increase his attempts to get NS from you but if you keep ignoring him, he will reduce his toxic behaviour considerably because you are not giving him any NS. You will have more energy for other things. I am not saying he will stop, though. Unfortunately, he won't because you live next door. Moving is the best you can do.

I find this article helpful to understand what you are dealing with and what to do or expect from NPDs like him.
The Nasty Neighbour Narcissist by HG Tudor
https://narcsite.com/2018/06/09/the-nasty-neighbour-narcissist-4/

Hope this helps.

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Pepin

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Re: When you hate where you live...
« Reply #3 on: January 17, 2019, 05:44:44 PM »
Thank you for the replies...I am still shaken today.  I do have video surveillance and downloaded 3 separate videos of what my neighbor was doing.  I also took pictures of the mess.  In addition, I took a screen shot of the side of my house from the surveillance camera to show that the area was clean in the morning before my neighbor started.  I am heading over to the Neighbor Mediation office in my town to ask what my next steps should be.  I feel that if I do nothing that I am allowing this bad behavior to continue and that is a form of abuse.  My neighbor has been clear with me about being neighborly and not making a mess on each other's properties; she clearly is not heeding her own words.  Putting her arm over the wall and spraying my house is actually trespassing...even if she was trying to clean up from the mess she made.  By doing what she did, she actually made the mess worse.  I absolutely believe that she could have approached cleaning her walkway and wall with a different method without making a mess.  In fact, in the past she has hired someone else to do it and the mess has been much less if hardly any.   
NPD F (overt) NC
DPD MIL (covert) VLC
FALLEN GC SIB
GC#2 SIB (covert) LC headed to NC

No PD is going to tell me what to do.

People who don't bring joy, let them go.

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clara

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Re: When you hate where you live...
« Reply #4 on: January 19, 2019, 02:03:06 PM »
It definitely sounds like your neighbor is playing games with you, Pepin.  She's likely one of those PDs who enjoys confrontation and will do things to cause it.   Then when you act/react, she'll act innocent or bewildered, then later do something even worse.  Confrontation is a source of supply for her.  Going to mediation is probably the best move because it lets her know you're not dealing directly with her any more, but that doesn't mean you're going to let her get away with her bad behavior. 

I've known NPDs who do just what your neighbor is doing. And yes, it's deliberate (although sometimes it seems not on an entirely conscious level).