Setting boundaries

[Spirit in the sky]

That makes sense tressgrowslowly

I've been struggling a bit this week, going back into my old thinking patterns of 'should'.

So many times I have done things because I felt I 'should' not because I wanted to but I was trying to keep my MIL from criticising me. I really had to sit with the discomfort this week, the old me would have given in and phoned to see if she was ok, just to keep her 'happy'. I am still afraid of the wrath I am going to have to face at sometime because I have been keeping her at a distance.

I don't find this easy, but I know I must put myself first. My husband can detach very easily because he doesn't care about her moods, I take everything personally. But I am learning not to, I know when she no longer triggers me, I am healed.

[Griffen]

I've been struggling a bit this week, going back into my old thinking patterns of 'should'.

I totally get this. Shoulding is one of the biggest problems I've been fighting since I first came Out of the FOG.

Here's some techniques that have been helping me with that.

Shoulds - a "should" happens when our mind is fighting against reality. (This comes from Byron Katie.) When I catch myself thinking things like "X should Y," I ask myself "Okay, but what's the reality? X isn't Y-ing."

So: My mother should care that her actions hurt my feelings. OK, but the reality is that she doesn't (and maybe isn't able to due to her illness). So where's the stress coming from? My fight with that reality. What if I accepted the reality that she isn't able to care, and moved on with my life, having minimal to no contact with her? At least I wouldn't be obsessing over the fact that what I expect her to do isn't lining up with reality, and I'd be less stressed out, right?

Or: My best friend should know what I want without me having to tell them. OK, but the reality is that they're not a mind-reader. Again, where's the stress coming from? My fight with that reality. What if I accepted the reality that they aren't a mind-reader, and told them what I want? At least they'd know, even if I didn't get what I want, so I could stop "shoulding" about it (thus reducing stress).

What this allows us to do is say "This is what I wish would be happening, or want to be happening, or expect to be happening. But that's not happening. So how do I work with what's actually happening (or not happening)?"

Crate Your Mind-Puppy - I really identify with Brooke Castillo's view of the mind as an undisciplined toddler, but in my head, toddlers eventually learn how to behave (and the mind doesn't), so I think of my mind as a puppy that needs constant supervision. When I start getting the thoughts that come out of a "manual" (a set of expectations that I didn't share) that I have for someone, or start thinking things that cause negative emotions, that's "shoulding." And when it happens, the puppy is "shoulding" all over the floor of my mind and making a mess! So when that happens, it's time for a whack on the nose with a newspaper and some time in the crate. (I got the idea of "puppy-crating your emotions" from Sarah Knight's books, and the contrast between "what should be" and "what is" from Byron Katie and Brooke Castillo's podcasts on the topic.)

Hope this helps.

[Spirit in the sky]

 Thanks Griffin, yes that helps.

I have started really questioning my 'shoulds' and I have discovered it usually based on fear of what will happen if I don't do what I think I 'should'.

So I'm retraining my mind to think through the consequences on not doing anything, in the past I have catastropised the outcome and convinced myself I would be rejected or punished. Now I have a more balanced view and even if I outcome isn't pleasant I can process it better.

[treesgrowslowly]

Griffen,

I love this. And for me, accepting that someone doesn't care seems like the biggest challenge.

For a long time I didn't know what to do with the emotions that come up when I realize person x doesn't care. Invariably, i would be able to recall 4 million instances where I cared about them. I can get really angry when I realize person x doesn't care. I loved your post here because this is getting at the heart of the pain of neglect during childhood.

[Griffen]

Griffen,

I love this. And for me, accepting that someone doesn't care seems like the biggest challenge.

For a long time I didn't know what to do with the emotions that come up when I realize person x doesn't care. Invariably, i would be able to recall 4 million instances where I cared about them. I can get really angry when I realize person x doesn't care. I loved your post here because this is getting at the heart of the pain of neglect during childhood.

I finally got tired of being stressed all the time. I can't control uCBm. I can't make her do anything she doesn't want to do. But what I can do is act to protect myself and move on instead of being mired down in "shoulds."

It's not hard to do once you accept that you cannot control anyone but yourself. At that point, you begin to make decisions that serve you, rather than serving the PD person in your life.

I've seen a lot of people here really tearing their hearts out over "but she SHOULD love me!" or "but he SHOULD take responsibility for hurting me!" - and I understand that, but the fact is that she never will and he's never going to. So the options are really: continue to wish or demand or stress out over that not happening, or realize it never will, and take action to protect yourself and move on. It may sound cold, but it is possible to override your programming and focus on your own needs first. It doesn't make you a bad person to do that. It makes you human.