Social services calling...

[zak]

My uNPDM is almost 87 and lives alone in public housing after going bankrupt in her late 70's. She has dementia which has deteriorated significantly in the past few years. I've been NC for over three years (long story but aren't they all ?  ) , as are my two sisters, while my two brothers are LC with one VLC. In any case the closest family members are more than 2-3 hours driving time away, so not practical for taking on the carers role. Prior to going NC I was living closer and was always trying to get M to access services available to the elderly to manage at home but she consistently became angry and aggressive at any suggestion she needed help. Others have also tried and failed. She has so obviously needed help for at least 6-7 years as her apartment is filthy and untidy and reeks of cats of which she has two. She smells like cats also and I've seen her out in clothes with cat urine stains on them. She is suffering from severe memory loss and confusion and really shouldn't be at home any longer. It's been impossible to help her given her toxic and abusive behaviours so we've known a crisis would no doubt occur at some time and intervention would be needed.
Well, the Meals on Wheels Social Worker called my brother a few weeks back to tell him her views that M is not coping and the family needs to do something. B said her tone was a bit high moral ground so he enlightened her about M's history when we've tried to organise help previously. Still, its become obvious she needs formal assessment and will either need a whole lot of help to stay at home or more likely will need to move into aged care. The problem for us is that we cannot get her assessed without her consent and she's not having it. Picture rages on the phone and face to face with B; much slamming of phones and general abuse. Her doctor told us she hasn't been to see him for 15 months ! Nevertheless he offered to do a home visit but she wouldn't let him in the door and then phoned my B in a fury saying she'd never seen the doctor and had no idea who he was.
We're now at the point where we will have to apply to the government agency in our state for formal legal and financial guardianship over her so that decisions on her safety can be made. I know that given my history with her I cannot be the guardian and keep my sanity, so my B has offered to take on the role. Alternatively the agency itself can take on the role of guardian. I'm concerned about my brother as he's about to have a hip replacement and works in his own business full-time and has a few health issues already.
I just spoke to a friend who is a lawyer for a similar agency in another state and he advised that given my M's toxic nature (he knows her) it would be better to avoid either one of us being the guardian and let the agency do it.
This is appealing so I'm mulling it over, but I don't know what this would be like in reality. Has anyone been through anything like this who might have advice or an experience to share ? I'm trying to be detached but find myself feeling responsible to get this situation under control yet also feeling anxious and angry that she's still creating maximum chaos as always. 

[xredshoesx]

i am so sorry you are going through all this.  my situation was kind of different but maybe it can help to share-

my paternal grandmother was abusive to my dad and his sister, and at the end of her life, neither of them was able to step into that role, so i ended up becoming her POA.   i understand completely.  i didn't have the history with her and since i didn't really know her as a child, it was more of a compassionate choice we were able to make because i really was a third party (i didn't know most of my father's family until i was an adult) who was able to help her without being tied to or triggered by the emotions and memories my dad and his sister had to cope with. 

you all have to consider your health (emotional and physical) and if someone else, a third party can step in and be guardian i think it's the best possible outcome considering the circumstances. 

the one thing it sounds like that you all have going for you is that you and your siblings are pretty much on the same page about who your mother really is.  hopefully that will help as decisions are made about what happens next.

[zak]

Here's a small update. I've realised that I need to detach from this situation and ask someone else to be the first contact for all of the interaction with my M, doctor, social services etc. I have complex PTSD and have  felt so triggered and anxious since this started at the thought of having to break NC; (which I never once regretted in the three years since I last saw M). Tonight I just decided to put myself first and not have any active role. I'll certainly be working to resolve the situation but not with any contact with M directly. I feel SO relieved !

[SunnyMeadow]

That's a good update whole hearted! I'm glad you're putting yourself first.

[looloo]

whole hearted, I am happy to hear that you're stepping away from being the first contact, and taking care of yourself.  It's awful to see the chips fall the way they do when someone refuses necessary care, but you're making sure that the situation is being resolved as much as possible for all concerned.  Take comfort in that.  Sending you support and a virtual hug 🤗

[WomanInterrupted]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, but I'm very glad you're putting yourself FIRST and staying OUT of it.   

If you speak to your B, I'd advise him to do the same. 

If the Social Worker calls either of you again, tell her to call APS and get the ball rolling on having your mom's competency tested.  APS will probably contact each of you, and you'll have to do the whole, "NO, it's impossible to be a caregiver," thing again.

They might say they're writing down "unwilling."

That's a word to induce FOG and to make you feel bad.      

I told a social worker, "Write down any damned thing you want.  The answer is still NO."   

She can become APS's problem and *they* can figure out what to do with her.  If she can't stay in her home, either you or your B will need to disclose her finances, so they know where to place her.

If anybody gets pushy with you and starts screaming you have to do it NOW NOW RIGHT NOW - tell them to chill the fuck out; you'll do it when you can get the information and *only if your mom isn't in the house at the time.*   

I had a social worker breathing down my neck about Ray's finances, which I wasn't going to disclose without consulting with an eldercare attorney, first.  (This was Friday - Ray was in the hospital and being moved to a memory care unit, Monday afternoon.  I had an appointment with "Saul" Monday morning.)

Even he said she was pushy and rude - I suspect she was also unNPD, because she kept lying to Saul and saying, "She won't disclose!  She won't disclose!  She is refusing to disclose!"   

Saul said, "She's sitting right here and I have full disclosure.  Do you want it or not?" 

If APS *does* find her competent, but needing help, you'll probably wind up doing another round of, "What part of NO don't you understand!?!" with Social Workers - unless you block them.

Yes, you're allowed to block them.   

I understand they're just trying to do their jobs, but they don't seem to understand TIME, DISTANCE and *your* health as variables!  They also don't seem to understand the words, "I have no contact with my parent because he's abusive and violent." 

And yes, they *can* be a little on the sanctimonious side.  I used to treat those Social Workers with heavy sarcasm and not a small amount of annoyance, but I was nice to the ones who were nice to me, and usually wound up making them laugh, as well as getting them to see my POV.

But yeah - they still wrote down unwilling, when I said IMPOSSIBLE. 

Oh - and just when you think you *might* be getting through to them, they might ask The Dumbest Thing Ever:  Can  your mom live with you or B?

You might find yourself wanting to scream, "Are you HIGH!?!?"   

Tell them NO - your home isn't SAFE.  You have no main-floor bedroom, very steep staircases and too many angles for a wheelchair to successfully navigate.   

BTW - that's my house, sort-of.  G'head and use it.  Nobody is going to check.   

If B wants to say his home is UNSAFE because it's a "construction zone" - go for it.  Nobody will check.   

With a little luck, APS will pull her from the house, have her admitted to a hospital, where she'll probably try to snow a shrink and fail, fabulously, thereby getting herself declared incompetent.  (It's a fine line between the PD running the show and actual mental decline - and they often don't realize there's a very serious line they shouldn't cross.)

I only agreed to be unNPD Ray's POA *after* he was declared incompetent and in the memory care unit.  Yes, an eldercare attorney can do this, if the patient is lucid enough to understand what they're doing, and your mom has assets you'd like to shelter.

Ray did - if hadn't, I'd have let the nursing  home do whatever they wanted in regard to guardianship, or having Ray made a ward of the state.

Again, if APS thinks she's okay for now, or on the cusp of serious problems, the social workers can handle it - and yes, you can block those numbers, too, if neither of you wants to hear state of decline (aka FOG) reports.   

I hope your B is as wise as you and puts his own health and recovery *first* - he doesn't have to do a thing, if he doesn't want to.   

Neither of you are required to set yourselves on fire to keep others warm.

You're going to be okay, Whole Hearted.   

Your mom will get the care she *needs* - and not the care she expects from either you or  your B.

It may take a little time, but it *will* happen.

[zak]

Thanks all and WomanInterrupted - you're my Hero 

[spring13]

whole hearted, I'm glad you're protecting yourself in this situation. I also think it's great that you and your brother are a team. I hope he decides to stay out of the guardianship role and, as your lawyer friend suggested, let an agency handle the guardianship. You've handled this very well and there really isn't much left that you and your brother can do given your mother's behavior and situation. Best of luck.

[Kiki81]

Where I live,  the County may take guardianship of an adult who can no longer function. Most adult children don't want the County to become the guardian because guardianship includes taking control of finances, in addition to everything else.

If you aren't trying to preserve an inheritance, this is the route to go.