Snow storm anxiety

[11JB68]

Also I'm very anxious about a snowstorm we are getting tonight.
One of our huge fights in the past year was about shoveling.
He can't. Physically cannot.
We also can't afford to hire someone.
I have to do it.
Yet he wants to supervise it.
Also he feels it's some sort of affront to his masculinity that he can't help.
If I have to do it I need to be able to do it my own way and on my own timeline. Plus if we get in a fight, w are trapped inside together....
Ugh.

[symbasmommy]

I understand the anxiety of being trapped in the house.... You have to be extra careful... Take care of yourself first and foremost... Do something you enjoy or watch a program you love... Don't get too stressed out... They love that... Show him you don't care about the storm and shoveling.... If you don't care he will be less anxious hopefully as well... Take care... It's all temporary....hugs....

[11JB68]

Thx. Unfortunately we also took ds back to school tonight which raises h's stress level. I made the 'mistake' of trying to talk with h about something, only to be yelled at for 'not telling him stuff'. Ugh. Now he's ranting about the client Again.

[11JB68]

Well the shoveling thing went fine. Hard work for me, but like most tasks honestly more enjoyable alone than with him. I was clear to him with my plan for getting it done early. He didn't really comment. Later he did apologize that he couldn't help. However he refuses to get medical attention flee the issues that are keeping him from helping, so...
Tonight I'm very sore, so one of the many Caretaking tasks I usually do for him, I could not do. I asked him to do it. He did. Then just now conveniently forgot that I can't do it. I had to tell him again. Oh are you still sore? (Um...I didn't have a miraculous recovery...) But everyone else is supposed to empathize with him.

[Samuel S.]

I am sorry you are dealing with your H's issues. He sounds rather demanding and really doesn't seem to have respect and sensitivity for you.

[Pepin]

I couldn't help but not reply....I grew up raised by NF and he was very particular about shoveling snow.  In fact, we owned a snow blower and guess what?  He never used it.  He claimed that the snow was not the right kind for the snowblower which was a joke since the neighbors were using theirs as well as businesses in town.  What he wanted was for us to see how he shoveled the entire driveway and then have us feel bad for him that he had to do it by himself....and then he would complain about how sore it made him, etc.  That being said, NF had more than enough money to hire a now plow but decided to be a miser about it.  Control and nothing else for him.  It is amazing how PDs blow tasks like this out of proportion....

Also with regards to snow, I have a neighbor that pushes the snow our way from the bushes on her property that are along our property line.  No snow on her side.  And of course after I already shoveled a path...but, I got it on surveillance for next time it snows.

[11JB68]

Thx Samuel, yes it's an ongoing challenge. Unfortunately married 27 years before I realized what the issue likely is. Spent all that time thinking I could/should fix him or me.

Pepin-my uPDh, I'm pretty sure has ocpd with some npd and even bpd traits...but strongly ocpd...to a T.
He has rules about shoveling, raking, etc. Everything has to be his way, which is 'the right way'.
If he delegates he has to supervise.
I asked ds21 to do a task for me while he was home on break. One day he was ready to do it, uPDh told him no, too cold. BS. He admitted to me that he wanted to supervise it, but was 'too busy'

[Liftedfog]

Your post triggered many ugly memories for me.  20 years of torture about lawn mowing  or shovelling.  He would sleep in until 3 pm and stay up until 4 am playing video games.  If it snowed, I had to get kids to school and mysself to work regardless.  I had good reason to need to shovel to get out of driveway.  So among everything else I did in the home I had to shovel.  But the best was that some mornings if he happened to be awake I would get a rant about how I made him look bad shovelling without him!!! .  Ok then!  YOU get your grown ass outside and shovel because I have to get somewhere.     Same with moving lawn.    I found time to do this even with newborns.   And he would be banging on window yelling for me to get inside because baby needed diaper change.  I recall those super hot days covered in grass clippings, sweating, hands dirty rushing inside.   And then yup...back outside I went to finish.  And yes, followed by a rant how dare I make him look bad to neighbours to see a wife cutting grass. 

[11JB68]

Lifted fog, so sorry my story triggered you... And similar to you, last winter we had a huge fight all-out me scheming without him and how it was 'emasculating' to him. (But, he really could not help...) This time I 'managed' it by announcing ahead of time my intentions.