Hate is not a self loving notion

[Whitesheep45]

I've been 10yrs no contact with ubpd m yet the anger and hate is as strong if not stronger than ever.
I fantasize of travelling up there and telling her just what i think of her and more. I have a feelibg ill feel better but i know the realitt is more likely to be the opposite and id be left with guilt, shame and damage to the relationship i have with my granmother .
I've done therapy , shouting at empty chairs, no send letters, crying, screaming in unpopulated land.
I've going through some more healing of learning to love and be present with myself and this anger is like a dark cloud. Of course i don't feel it all the time just at times. As i write im realizing that instead of asking others for ways to 'get rid of it' what feels right is to honour it is there...it signifies the injustice, the damage and loss of the chance of having a loving mother and all that i didn't and wont receive . and then i can return to feeling the love that is there for me to show me 

[bloomie]

Whitesheep45 - I want to encourage you to press in on this awakening you are having:

As i write im realizing that instead of asking others for ways to 'get rid of it' what feels right is to honour it is there...it signifies the injustice, the damage and loss of the chance of having a loving mother and all that i didn't and wont receive . and then i can return to feeling the love that is there for me to show me

Honoring the feelings - the anger, grief, disappointment - to name just a few feelings we have in response to having a parent who was unwilling or unable to nurture and love us - has been so healing for me.

The work around emotions by Karla McLaren (book: Language of Emotions) has been pivotal for me as an adult child from a toxic home. I understand getting caught in those feedback loops and the conversations inside my own head or in the car by myself imagining what I would say to an abusive PD parent who is unrepentant and unavailable for any kind of resolution, and where there was absolutely no justice to be had for the grievous wrongs done to me and my sibs.

I was never allowed a voice and had no way to express needs, desires, outrage or anger because all of the emotions and resources in the family belonged to my parents and I was branded terrible, sinful, hateful, shameful, wrong if expressed by me.

Learning that anger is The Honorable Sentry and that healthy anger can be a friend and a help was an incredible relief.

ANGER: The Honorable Sentry

GIFTS: Honor ~ Conviction ~ Self-awareness ~ Healthy self esteem ~ Proper boundaries ~ Healthy detachment ~ Protection of yourself and others

ACTION REQUIRED: Anger arises to address challenges to your standpoint, your position, your interpersonal boundaries, or your self image. Your task is to restore your sense of self and your interpersonal boundaries without violating the boundaries of others. Your anger will also step in when others are being challenged or devalued, and your task is to address the offense and restore the boundaries of all parties.  This is the sacred practice for anger, which I very intentionally call The Honorable Sentry.

THE INTERNAL QUESTIONS: What must be protected? What must be restored?

full article here: https://www.karlamclaren.com/2013/03/29/understanding-and-befriending-anger/

It is a huge inner work to learn to love and be present with yourself as you are doing. Keep stretching yourself and moving forward with this. I truly believe real relief is just around the bend on this long road you have traveled.

Bravo for you to pursue healing and growth like you are doing!