Refusing to use email

[lilyflower236]

So I went to pick up my son last night. He wasn't at his father's house. I emailed his father who says they're going to be late, no explanation. He shows up at my house 38 minutes later. My ex says he'd texted me so I should've known.

(Their family was eating out which is a totally legit reason to not follow a timeshare court order. /s)

Here's the thing — my ex has been blocked from texting my phone since January 2017. He knows this. I've told him, repeatedly. It was brought up in court. It was brought up in mediation. Our family counselor has encouraged me to continue using email because of our high-conflict situation.

My ex RAILS against it. He has for two years. He says email is "cumbersome" and he shouldn't have to put conversations with me in writing. He insists I should call him or text him.

I'm sure you all can identify with the reasons I blocked him — his hateful, profane texts at any time of day or night, the difficulty of looking up past texts that isn't a problem with searchable emails, the need to protect my own mental health from random text messages from him while I'm trying to work, sleep, parent, etc., and the need to have him put things in writing so he can be held to his word. Let me tell you, blocking him two years ago lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. There is NO reason my ex-husband needs unfettered 24/7 access to me.

At the hearing last year over my son's emotional and verbal abuse in his father's house, the judge ended it with a 20-minute lecture. She encouraged us to work on co-parenting and our communication, and she said hopefully we can get to a point where we can communicate face-to-face. Two contempt hearings against my exlater, a fiasco of a child support hearing, and a case management conference, we were ordered to family therapy to work on co-parenting. I'm fine with that.

Here's the thing — my ex insists that based on the judge's talk about improving co-parenting, that the judge "ordered" me to unblock him on my phone. She did no such thing. It's not in the written orders so to me there was no order. She never told me to unblock him. The family counselor absolutely supports high-conflict co-parents using email.

So here we are. I email him every exchange day with information about our son's homework. I email him when I set up appointments. I let him know if our son is sick. I have created a shared Google calendar of our son's activities. But my ex says I'm not co-parenting because I won't allow him "multiple" avenues for communication. My ex now has decided to keep texting me despite knowing I've blocked him. It's crazy.

I've got a message in to my lawyer to confirm that the judge never told me to unblock him, and I've let her know the counselor supports the use of email. When I send emails to my ex asking for a response about something, I usually don't get a response and now I realize he may be texting responses.

I feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm doubting myself — maybe the judge did say that? I know he's probably gaslighting. Now I'm worried about not getting information  I need from my ex. Why is he having such a battle over being able to text and call me?

[HotCocoa]

Lilyflower - I'm sorry that you are getting abused that way. 
In my case - if this helps, I would unblock ex if he had our children.  I would keep him blocked all other times but if he had custody I unblocked him.
Like you, I could no longer handle the hateful, vitriolic texts coming my way that made it sound like I was crazy and pretty much the worst mother on earth. 
I totally get it.
I would unblock him when he has custody and not involve the attorney, that only costs money.  Keep a record of what he says to you.  I would screenshot it and save it in my email.
He does not need multiple avenues to contact you, that is in his mind.  Frankly, it does sound like you have multiple avenues and he does this strictly to control the situation, or, knowing he is blocked can make the claim, "well I texted you."  Knowing you will never get it.
His internal battle is his own.  He is disordered.  That's what I had to keep telling myself.  I wish it were different.  I wish I could co-parent peacefully with him, but I found the more thought I gave into trying to do things his way, the more chaos he threw into a situation. 

Also, if it becomes a habit that he is continually keeping the children back on your custody time by bringing them home late, keep close track of it for when you do talk to your lawyer.  Probably nothing will happen after one time of doing it, so keep a watchful eye on a developing pattern.

[lilyflower236]

I'm afraid if I block and unblock him regularly that's going to make it confusing. He does have the ability to call my phone and it automatically routes to a Google Voice mailbox. I get an email when he does this. I've told him and made it clear it's only for emergencies. The voice mail service keeps the recordings indefinitely and transcribes them. He's used it a couple of times, of course for nomemergency things.

(I learned how to set up the Google Voice thing from a forum member here if you interested in it. Maybe it's searchable on the forum?)

I know him and unblocking during his custodial time probably won't be good enough. The family counselor wants us to start cc'ing her on our emails so she can "coach" us but we haven't had a meeting about that yet.

I also know the court doesn't care as much about co-parenting problems, we just get ordered to counseling when things come up. The court is mainly concerned with the abuse my son has faced with his stepmom and making sure she is supervised. Which makes sense, that should be a priority.

I will keep track of all messages. I can't belive the stuff he puts in writing!

[Stepping lightly]

Hi Lily,

It sounds like you are doing all the right things, it is really hard to navigate these issues and protect yourself while still looking out for your kids.  DH has blocked BM completely from calling or texting him.  She is abusive, and she has been asked to stop.  Even our Parent Coordinator couldn't get her to stop, and had to rework her emails (which she charged DH for...but that is a whole other string!). 

How is the tone over email?  If it is nasty, keep your phone blocked.  We've tried things in the past where DH would say that if BM would manage the tone of her emails, there would be options for opening other methods of communication.  But if she can't even manage her tone via email, when she has all the time in the world to craft, review, have someone proof....then she certainly couldn't handle immediate communication like face face, text, phone.  She never even bothered trying.   If the emails to you are less than ideal, I think you can show a judge why you aren't opening up your text.  If they are suitable, you could always test the text if you are worried about it.  Basically, let him know you are unblocking text, and lay out your boundaries.  If he violates the boundaries, you will reblock him. 

The gas lighting is frustrating too.  We had that after court with BM.  Me, DH, his attorney walked away with one version of what the judge said, BM walked away with the complete opposite.  She actually was so firm in her belief, that DH and I had to call a family member that had been there and ask for their version of what was said (which matched ours).  She still fought us, and our attorney had to go back to the court record to confirm.  It's really just BM bullying to get what she wants, because she was lectured pretty harshly by the judge...and she rewrote the whole experience.

[Penny Lane]

Lilyflower, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this! It's like, as soon as you resolve one issue they manage to create another one! And I'm sure after a long court battle there is no way you want to escalate this so you kind of just have to work around his shitty behavior.

It sounds like your ex thinks he's found a way to force you to loosen your boundaries. From what I'm seeing here, he's leaving you with no good options. You could
1. Unblock him which would lead to hateful messages at all hours, and you wouldn't be able to easily review past communication to make sure your understanding is right. It would also be harder to document - you'd have to use screenshots rather than just print out old emails.
2. Leave him blocked and potentially miss out on emergency info. Work around it as much as possible (like, if he's not going to answer your emails, instead of sending an email that says "do you want to do the exchange at XX place" say "I think we should do the exchange at XX, let me know if you want to do something different otherwise see you there.")
3. Unblock him but don't tell him. Don't act on any routine texts that should be sent via email. But if there's a major emergency, like your son goes to the hospital, you'll know.
4. Do HotCocoa's suggestion and unblock him some of the time, or some other hybrid option.

Also, like Stepping Lightly says, remember that if you unblock him you always have the option to block him again. Sometimes it makes sense to give them enough rope to hang themselves with, you know? Let him text you a bunch of terrible things, document it and then give examples of why you have to block him. Then if he tries to escalate this you'll have more proof that texting isn't a productive method of communication.

If it were me I might see if the counselor can address the issue and get him to agree to email only, and if they can't resolve it maybe do option 3. (Actually that might be an interesting experiment anyway - did he really text you that they would be late, or is it just that he knows he can say he did and you won't know the difference? I also bet he sends less vitriol if he doesn't think you'll be reading it. Now that I think about it I bet he's not sending you any texts he's just using it as an excuse.)

At the end of the day remember that if you don't get some important information, it's because your ex is choosing not to give it to you! Any resulting problems are on him not on you, even though you might have to deal with the fallout. Texting important information to someone who has blocked you is totally pointless - he might as well write you a message on a paper airplane and throw it into the street, it's not going to get where it needs to go. He's an adult, he can choose to convey important information in a format that he considers slightly less convenient (email is so convenient though!). I say this to make the point that I think you can let go of the stress about deciding what to do - he's going to be a jerk no matter what so I think you should just do what you want.

Also, I REALLY hear you on the gaslighting. I know that our BM has done this with all kinds of people - coaches teachers, doctors, etc. She once came out of a doctors appointment where she apparently really got dressed down, like the doctor gave her a long lecture about giving the kids the correct medicine in the correct dosage, and she told DH that she was glad that the doctor had no concerns! Another time she sent one of the kids' teachers a really off the wall email and the teacher responded with what I interpreted as polite alarm that BM was being so rude. But she later cited it as an example of how the teacher agreed with her! My point is, no, you are not going crazy, he's absolutely gaslighting and you shouldn't worry too much about YOU being the one who doesn't understand!

[Meltracey]

I have two phones.  One is now just for him, so I can leave it at home/ turn it off etc.

I have only given my new number out to a few friends so far.  It's been refreshing... like a fresh start

Im also considering getting a dvo to prevent him writing aggressive/ disrespectful texts.  Have you got a domestic violence order yet?

[lilyflower236]

No DVO. Every state is different but in my state I was told that there needs to be an actual threat of physical violence, which he has not done.

The new custody order from last year states his wife is to have no contact with me regarding my son unless it's an emergency. So that's not exactly a DVO but definitely a no-contact order. Her harassing texts and emails to me were part of the evidence in the custody modification case.

[Whiteheron]

You can download the texts using something called iExplorer. I've been able to download all of stbx's texts to me and submit them to my L.

I do not have my stbx blocked. Every time he sends a hostile or confrontational text, I forward it to my L. If his texts have nothing to do with the kids, they get ignored. You can also put his texts on 'silent' so you aren't alerted when they come in, if you do choose to unblock him.

There is no reason he can't email you. It's quick and easy. He's just trying to regain some control over you. If you do give in and unblock him, he'll likely just move on to something else.

[athene1399]

He says email is "cumbersome" and he shouldn't have to put conversations with me in writing. He insists I should call him or text him.

Isn't texting putting it in writing? He's contradicting himself. lol But in all seriousness, I am sorry that you are going through this. It sounds frustrating. If he has a smartphone then email is just as easy as texting IMO. He's just trying to be difficult IMO.

IMO if you aren't comfortable having him unblocked then don't. It feels to me that this is his way of trying to exercise control over you. Just keep track of how often you remind him that he is blocked. That way it's on him if he isn't communication properly. Also, you're checking in with your lawyer to be be sure that you aren't doing anything wrong, so your bases are covered IMO.

On the other hand, I like PL's idea of unblocking him, but not letting him know he's unblocked. It's possible that he's just responding to your emails via text to upset you and isn't just blowing up your phone. That way you can see his responses, but I would advise "playing dumb" so he doesn't know you've unblocked him because that could open the floodgates.

[sonto92]

It sounds like you have plenty of evidence that demonstrates communication is a problem.  I was in a similar situation and I had a court order to put this into place that specifically stated that all communication happen through OFW and a response is required within 24 hours.  If you can pull this off, i would highly recommend it.  It removes all of the "he said, she said" and will truly give you some piece of mind.  It has been a godsend for me (and worth the money spent).  It has a calendar and expense feature on it as well.  Your OFW can also be connected to a third party that can monitor communications. 

[Findingmyvoice]

Communication is always a struggle.
We are using OFW, but exBPDw will only use it in certain situations.
Like if she wants to accuse me of something or blame me she will use OFW.
Which is totally opposite of what she should be doing if she wants to prove cooperation and collaboration for purposes of getting shared custody.

I can't get her to post expenses through the app, even when I will not pay unless she puts them through the app.
I can't get her to use the calendar.  She demands that I send her certain things by email even after I have put them on the calendar and notified her specifically that I have put the information there.
She tries to claim that I am not telling her about events when I clearly put them on the calendar.
She fights using the app in any way she can.

I do answer her texts at times because it is quicker if an urgent response is needed.
If she gets blamey / accusing / threatening / gaslighting I just say what is necessary and then stop replying.
I also answer her emails at times, so I am not super consistent with forcing her to use the app.

[sonto92]

Finding my voice - I'm sorry to hear that OFW is the struggle that it is for you.  The language in the order that I received from court was very specific in that it noted that all communication happen via OFW, for precisely the same problems that you have listed.  Nothing is ever easy - it's really a pain in the ass and exhausting at the same time.

[mamato3]

So I went to pick up my son last night. He wasn't at his father's house. I emailed his father who says they're going to be late, no explanation. He shows up at my house 38 minutes later. My ex says he'd texted me so I should've known.

(Their family was eating out which is a totally legit reason to not follow a timeshare court order. /s)

Here's the thing — my ex has been blocked from texting my phone since January 2017. He knows this. I've told him, repeatedly. It was brought up in court. It was brought up in mediation. Our family counselor has encouraged me to continue using email because of our high-conflict situation.

My ex RAILS against it. He has for two years. He says email is "cumbersome" and he shouldn't have to put conversations with me in writing. He insists I should call him or text him.

I'm sure you all can identify with the reasons I blocked him — his hateful, profane texts at any time of day or night, the difficulty of looking up past texts that isn't a problem with searchable emails, the need to protect my own mental health from random text messages from him while I'm trying to work, sleep, parent, etc., and the need to have him put things in writing so he can be held to his word. Let me tell you, blocking him two years ago lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. There is NO reason my ex-husband needs unfettered 24/7 access to me.

At the hearing last year over my son's emotional and verbal abuse in his father's house, the judge ended it with a 20-minute lecture. She encouraged us to work on co-parenting and our communication, and she said hopefully we can get to a point where we can communicate face-to-face. Two contempt hearings against my exlater, a fiasco of a child support hearing, and a case management conference, we were ordered to family therapy to work on co-parenting. I'm fine with that.

Here's the thing — my ex insists that based on the judge's talk about improving co-parenting, that the judge "ordered" me to unblock him on my phone. She did no such thing. It's not in the written orders so to me there was no order. She never told me to unblock him. The family counselor absolutely supports high-conflict co-parents using email.

So here we are. I email him every exchange day with information about our son's homework. I email him when I set up appointments. I let him know if our son is sick. I have created a shared Google calendar of our son's activities. But my ex says I'm not co-parenting because I won't allow him "multiple" avenues for communication. My ex now has decided to keep texting me despite knowing I've blocked him. It's crazy.

I've got a message in to my lawyer to confirm that the judge never told me to unblock him, and I've let her know the counselor supports the use of email. When I send emails to my ex asking for a response about something, I usually don't get a response and now I realize he may be texting responses.

I feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm doubting myself — maybe the judge did say that? I know he's probably gaslighting. Now I'm worried about not getting information  I need from my ex. Why is he having such a battle over being able to text and call me?

I would unblock him (but not tell) when he has your child and see if he does respond to your emails via text. Then at least you know if he's still using that avenue. He may just keep bringing it up because he hates boundaries of any kind. Most PDs do.