I don't care...

Started by Pepin, January 20, 2019, 03:46:42 PM

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Pepin

Thank you all for your kinds words.  I will continue to stand by DH and support him as he navigates these muddy waters. 

This morning PDmil called DH at work to tell him that she is having health problems again.  She is refusing to go the ER and would like to be checked up on later by phone from DH.  Another family member is in town and has also been asked to drop in and see what is going on. 

Sadly, DH may have to stop by her home later today and I am confused about how I feel about this.  I know there is nothing I can do...we do celebrate Valentine's Day as a family and this week in particular is actually very special to DH and I. 

I don't feel good saying this but a very tiny part of me wonders if this is all a charade considering what day this is... :-[

Jade63

Quote from: Pepin on February 14, 2019, 11:43:41 AM
I don't feel good saying this but a very tiny part of me wonders if this is all a charade considering what day this is... :-[

Your gut knows...

~J

qcdlvl

Quote from: Pepin on February 14, 2019, 11:43:41 AM
I don't feel good saying this but a very tiny part of me wonders if this is all a charade considering what day this is... :-[

Unfortunately you're almost certainly right.

Alexmom

Sadly you are probably right that your MIL is creating a scene on VDay.  Throughout my MIL's illness she claimed that she could only get out of bed and walk if my DH was with her to do it.  Apparently she could not walk for anyone else.  From there, an idea was devised from the IL side that DH should move back into his parents home so my MIL could walk everyday.   Forget about the fact that he was a married man with a wife and kids and a home and life of his own.    DH declined the request. 
The manipulation and scheming that takes place from some never ceases to amaze. 

Pepin

DH ended up taking PDmil to a doctor appt.  They ran some more tests, found nothing and wrote her a new prescription.  Thankfully the MD office hired a translator for the sake of transparency.  DH was surprised that they were able to do this....uh-huh....pretty sure that has been available for many years considering where we live.  *sigh*

DH called me on the way home from driving PDmil back and forth to her appt. and he was definitely frustrated.  He isn't one to sit back and not get any answers.  At the same time, it is difficult watching his mother actively do nothing -- and this is something I have noticed about her ever since I met her.  When DH and his siblings were younger they had the time to help her (sadly) but now life is terribly busy.  He lost an entire afternoon yesterday dealing with his mom....he was emotionally drained and had a hard time getting up this morning.  First thing he did yesterday after getting home was pout himself a glass of wine and say out loud that today he 100% deserved that glass of wine.

There is no doubt in my mind that DH would veto moving in with his mother or have her with us so there is no worry over that.  DH also does not like hospitals or MD offices.  Technically DH's sister is supposed to watch over PDmil's health but she just couldn't get off work and I think DH needed to see for himself what the heck was going on.

Yael924

Just curious, really.
Why is your SIL "supposed to" take care of her mother?
Have you all made some sort of financial arrangement or something? It seems like this is a lot for one person.

Apologies upfront if it's a weird question. My family has me ostracized, so  I'm always wondering how other families work this stuff out.

It just sounds so exhausting for the siblings, and for you to be this perpetual fountain of wifely understanding. Hang in there.

:big internet hugs:

Pepin

Quote from: Yael924 on February 16, 2019, 05:29:07 PM
Just curious, really.
Why is your SIL "supposed to" take care of her mother?
Have you all made some sort of financial arrangement or something? It seems like this is a lot for one person.

Apologies upfront if it's a weird question. My family has me ostracized, so  I'm always wondering how other families work this stuff out.

It just sounds so exhausting for the siblings, and for you to be this perpetual fountain of wifely understanding. Hang in there.

:big internet hugs:

Yael924, DH and his siblings have been selected for their "positions" by PDmil.  From a very young age, DH has been parentified to do what he does now: accountant, handy man, bank runs, mail, calls and makes appointments for repairs, etc.  His sister has been slotted to arrange and attend the MD appointments, food shopping and other errands -- and I think it is because she is female.  DH and his sister are the younger two in the family; the older two siblings moved far away and provide no help.  One of those siblings calls from time to time while the other kind of does their own thing and rarely calls. 


Another update: visited PDmil the other night in her home with some other visiting family.  PDmil was clearly worse for wear...but seemed to perk up once everyone was starting to leave.  DH spent most of his time with her while the rest of us caught up with each other.  I was literally moved to tears inside when I realized how easy it was for us to have conversations without PDmil sitting there with us.  My teens and their cousins were finally able to have meaningful conversations with each other -- after years of ignoring each other.  It seems that after all of PDmil's efforts to bash her children and their spouses behind their backs (as a way of pitting) that the cousins survived.  I have felt so badly for all the cousins not getting along....and other cousins that were not present that night have admitted hating PDmil and her behavior. Isn't it horrible that a grandma does this to her children and grandchildren?  Rather than bringing us all together in a loving way, she has nearly caused mass destruction within her own family.  I sincerely hope my kids can have meaningful relationships with their cousins and they all continue into adulthood.

Ugh and literally the first thing PDmil says to me IN ENGLISH is that my kids are getting taller.  TF.  That's the only GD comment she can muster up?  Age, height, weight, etc. is all she GD knows.  I find it to be stupid and shallow to speak these observations about all the cousins -- like they are ranked.  But hey, it is an affirmation about who PDmil truly is at her core.

PDmil admitted to DH that she is depressed (call for attention) and eats very little now.  She also told DH that she does not want to go to a nursing home because of the cost.  Believe me, she has more than enough money to go to one and receive wonderful care.  UGH!!!   >:(  My gut is super triggered.  IF she does not go to a nursing home then guess who has to help her more?  DH.  Though we did talk about this together and I suggested hiring an in home care taker...and both SIL and I also brought up Meals on Wheels.  For now we have to wait and see if PDmil makes improvements or not before deciding what to do.  DH already has a laundry list of tasks he has to start working on which means good by family time... :'( and I am struggling to form the appropriate words to say to him without offending him.  We are far from done talking about this and how it will affect everyone.

The kicker here is that PDmil is trying to achieve Sainthood by staying out of a nursing home and would like to redirect her money elsewhere, i.e. the grandkids college funds.....and she was upset talking to DH saying that she was worried that she would not be around long enough to see all the grandkids graduate from high school.  Well, whatever, but I will ensure that she does NOT attend any of my teens HS graduations.  Immediate family only, PERIOD.  As for a party, I will also drill into DH that our teens get to decide.  This isn't going to be a big family reunion type of celebration -- therefore keeping negative people like PDmil out during what is supposed to be a happy time.  As for college graduations, same thing , if PDmil makes it that long....I think she only wants to give the money to ensure being included.  Nope.  Not under my watch.  The woman has had years to behave herself and be a good role model.  Instead we have a broken extended family that barely tolerates each other.  Man, the lengths these PDs go through to be on a pedestal, SMH...if DH thinks it is cold of me to exclude her from these milestones in our lives then he needs to be reminded of how PDmil has excluded all of the spouses that married into the family and how the grandkids hardly know each other because of the pitting of families.  What goes around, comes around.   

JayBird

Oh dear Pepin, I am sorry for all your anguish. Hang in there. Please focus on ample self-care- you deserve it and need it right now.

I have a very difficult uNmill who alternates between being haughty -tyrannical and waif -victim. For fifteen years this woman has said to me (covertly of course) that I'm not good enough. Not a good enough dil, mother, spouse for her DS. My house is not good enough, my cooking, my pets, my career, etc...the list is endless.

Well then, I guess I'm not going to be a good enough care taker for you when you are in need.  :doh:

I made this decision years ago that I will not ever be a caregiver to my ailing N mother-in-law. And I feel zero guilt, zero obligations. This task falls to DH and his FOO.

I have lost both of my parents and have direct experience with end-of-life grieving, caregiving and yes, funeral arrangements. Without being morbid or facetious, when the time comes (as it does for all living beings) I do plan to attend my nMil's memorial service. But I will be wearing earbuds.

And, yes the shout out from your Nmil for maybe-not necessary medical help on Valentines Day ....... game play.

Hang in there!  :wave:

daughter

Pepin, I'm assuming that MIL still can perform all her personal hygiene needs, that this isn't an issue yet.  It will, sooner or later, making DH's surrogate husband role inadequate for her daily personal care needs, requiring more attention from someone else.  Likely you've already told DH that you're not providing that eventual nurse/care-giver/housekeeper attention to MIL, but likely MIL assumes that DH, SIL or you will do so, in some combination.  I'd start that conversation with DH, regarding MIL's future needs, noting that you won't be drafted into service, that this isn't solution, so viable alternates should be identified now, before an emergency situation occurs.

My NBM and enNF always assumed their daughters were their elder-care plan, that they'd "never leave their home", "never hire help", because "that's what daughters are for".  I suspect your MIL operates on same assumption.

Pepin

Quote from: daughter on February 20, 2019, 10:05:36 AM
Pepin, I'm assuming that MIL still can perform all her personal hygiene needs, that this isn't an issue yet.  It will, sooner or later, making DH's surrogate husband role inadequate for her daily personal care needs, requiring more attention from someone else.  Likely you've already told DH that you're not providing that eventual nurse/care-giver/housekeeper attention to MIL, but likely MIL assumes that DH, SIL or you will do so, in some combination.  I'd start that conversation with DH, regarding MIL's future needs, noting that you won't be drafted into service, that this isn't solution, so viable alternates should be identified now, before an emergency situation occurs.

My NBM and enNF always assumed their daughters were their elder-care plan, that they'd "never leave their home", "never hire help", because "that's what daughters are for".  I suspect your MIL operates on same assumption.

I was actually thinking about this earlier today --with regards to hygiene.  I really don't know what would happen but I am pretty sure no one would look to me as a female to deal with this.  I also don't think DH would be able to handle it either -- and his sister might also draw the line.  It really would fall under someone else as a paid caregiver to deal with honestly. 

I thought more about what I wrote yesterday and it seems that PDmil (like many PDs) have been using her health and dangling money in front of everyone as really the only form of interaction.  It is so strange to me.  Her health has always been a topic for discussion, no matter what we are doing or where we are.  Correction: her health, food, money.  It is literally all she knows.  Has she ever been proactive about her health in the 20+ years that I have known her?  Nope.  Does she give money from a place of warmth and caring or attention?  The latter. 

Why does she need to add to the grand kids college funds NOW while her health is failing rather than before?  All the grandkids are teens and some are already in college.  One grandchild (from DH's sister) didn't have the money for college and joined the Army.  TF??!!!  Another grandchild (also from DH's sister) is a senior in high school and has no money for college and will be enrolling in community college to start with some classes -- to avoid joining the Army.  If this isn't messed up, I don't know what is.  If PDmil wanted to help with college earlier she could have contributed to a college fund and at least get the money growing a little bit.....

I think that this is all a horrible and mean game she is playing.  Denying her health care needs (to make her children be caregivers) over paying for college tuition at this time just doesn't sit right with me.  How do these two things go together -- one's health and college.  Hardly heroic in my opinion.  Typical PD fashion.  That being said, she could both got to a senior center and help contribute to college tuitions.  She clearly has enough. 

Jade63

Quote from: Pepin on February 20, 2019, 12:20:13 PM
I think that this is all a horrible and mean game she is playing.  Denying her health care needs (to make her children be caregivers) over paying for college tuition at this time just doesn't sit right with me.  How do these two things go together -- one's health and college.  Hardly heroic in my opinion.  Typical PD fashion.  That being said, she could both got to a senior center and help contribute to college tuitions.  She clearly has enough.

You are right, Pepin. This does not make a bit of sense. And like Judge Judy says: If it doesn't make sense, it is a lie.
There is a lie lurking around in this tuition scenario. And the lie is that she is contributing from a place of generosity. It is not generosity that is motivating her.
She is casting her "you owe me" net so that it is landing on her grandchildren now, too.

~J

Pepin

Jade63 -- thank you for your words, they make complete sense.  What I need help with now is how to articulate this to DH.  I can present the facts and see what he thinks....but I feel like asking: how does her failing health suddenly warrant gifts of tuition money now?  What about the grandchild that already joined the armed forces?  They cannot back out now unless they themselves have a health issue.   :-\  Gifts of tuition should have been earmarked a while ago.  While the potential gift seems thoughtful, it is quite hurtful.  PDmil did not win the lottery.  She has been sitting on her money for a long time...