Does anyone else have trouble planning for the future?

WonderGirl · January 20, 2019, 05:33:37 PM

Hi

.

Although I've been on this board for four or five years, I've never introduced myself. Instead I've just read and learned from your posts. I can't tell you how much you all have been to me. Honestly, it's taken me that long to accept that I was raised by a BPD mom. Even in my late 50's, I feel like I don't deserve this as an excuse. I know this sounds stupid, but I have so many shortcomings and oh, wouldn't it be convenient to just blame a messed up mom for it. In my mind, I knew it was true – she stunted me in every way. But my heart still doesn't want to believe it sometimes.

My story is familiar. I was the SG, younger brother GC. Mom emotionally tormented me throughout childhood, and broke me in my teens. Dad did nothing. Didn't "save" me from her though I asked him to. I spent probably a total of 25 years of my life in therapy for depression. Am still on multiple brain drugs. This time of year is hard.

One reason it's taken me this long to introduce myself is that as soon as I start trying to write it down (and I've attempted this several times over the years), is that it gets really hard. I want to talk about it, but hands get heavy, I can't focus, I space out, and I just feel like it's all so really boring and who would want to ready it anyways? And I've had it easier in some ways because for the past 20+ years I've lived thousands of miles away from my FOO, so who am I to complain?

Yeah, I have self-esteem issues.

I am trying to think about retirement and I don't understand why I've planned so poorly for it. Today I had a realization that I've never planned anything about my life. I've never aspired to anything and I've just taken the path of least resistance, and to be truthful, I've somehow done ok with that. I've been very lucky. But as I sit here looking at this retirement stuff, I still find it hard to think about. Real hard. It's just that I literally can't get my brain to do it.

Now that I've got it written down, it seems that I have a hard time thinking about both my past and my future. I guess I exist in the moment. Is this normal? Does it happen to anyone else?

WG

Latchkey · January 20, 2019, 06:15:41 PM

Hi WG,

Welcome back to the boards and thanks for posting an intro in the welcome mat.

I'm wondering if you've seen our sister site Out of the Storm that deals with CPTSD. There are a ton of great resources and I also recommend Pete Walker.
https://www.outofthestorm.website/treatment/
When you describe that freezing and spacing out response it reminded me of this 4f's that Walker describes:
http://pete-walker.com/fourFs_TraumaTypologyComplexPTSD.htm

As for planning for the future, I think many have problems with this and not just those with PD parents. However, I think when someone is constantly trying to deal with the present and emotional traumas it is very hard to plan for the future.

Latchkey

RavenLady · January 20, 2019, 06:46:11 PM

I WonderGirl! Everything you are describing about your feelings sound familiar to me, especially after my months reading here and related books on topics including C-PTSD, PD and parental abuse. You are definitely not alone. I'm still learning about "emotional flashbacks," but it is a C-PTSD thing as Latchkey noted and something you might want to check out to see if that explains some of your feelings. For me, it's been very intense to learn that experiences I though were normal have actually been symptomatic of these huge unresolved traumas. It's scary to face this, but also very liberating and clarifying. So, congratulations, you are on your way!

I struggle to make plans for the future or to remember the past, too. Everything feels hugely contingent on circumstances outside my control and I'm also often locked into the present in ways that aren't particularly Zen. When I'm forced to make plans, I tell myself it probably won't work out anyway but what the hell, might as well try...and sometimes it works out in spite of my pessimism. I've made it work by coasting, too, and just living day-to-day. But I am aware that other people have easier access to other approaches that aren't so rigidly focused on mere survival. Other people get to thrive and enjoy the journey more readily. All this stuff, I'm told, can be traced to childhood trauma if we often felt trapped in emotionally unsafe environments.

cloudydays · January 21, 2019, 11:27:27 AM

Hi WonderGirl,

I really feel for what you've said. Similar age here, and also put blame on myself, thinking as you so well said 'wouldn't it be convenient to just blame a messed up mom for it'. I buried things for a long time, for this very reason. No, we sure don't want to believe it ... but what our PD moms did, most certainly had an effect on us.

I find myself living in the moment quite a bit, to think of the past and future is a bit too much for me right now. I know what I need to do, and I set about doing that each day best I can. I am working on being kind to myself, allowing for time and mistakes ... knowing that I'm on the right road, even if I can't see beyond the day.

Nice to meet you and thanks for sharing. 🌷

Quote from: RavenLady on January 20, 2019, 06:46:11 PM
... For me, it's been very intense to learn that experiences I though were normal have actually been symptomatic of these huge unresolved traumas. It's scary to face this, but also very liberating and clarifying. ...
... I've made it work by coasting, too, and just living day-to-day. But I am aware that other people have easier access to other approaches that aren't so rigidly focused on mere survival. Other people get to thrive and enjoy the journey more readily. All this stuff, I'm told, can be traced to childhood trauma if we often felt trapped in emotionally unsafe environments.

Ravenlady,
Really like how you explained this. 🌷

When I look back at it, I see what was initially a coping mechanism that began in childhood, turn into a lifestyle ... and in so, it effected the friends I chose, the relationships I had, choices in education, career ... etc. For me, I lost a wonderful relationship because 'love' and 'how to love' was completely foreign to me. For me the idea of love came from making/manipulating people into loving me because I was not as loveable as others. Too true, my mother told me so. ;-) I know better now. Took a long time to figure it out though.

WonderGirl · January 21, 2019, 08:44:17 PM

Wow, thank you all for your responses! My brain is kind of exploding right now over cPTSD. I've heard Out Of The Storm but never looked at the site because...well, I don't know why. It's kind of hard to acknowledge that I might have something legitimately wrong with me as a result of spending half my life with a BPDm. I am used to thinking whatever life issues I have are my own fault for being lazy (or fat, or stupid, or whatever other horrible thing I am), or because of my lack of resilience. Reading about cPTSD last night was a little crazy. I pretty much check all the boxes. This is a really big change in my view of my life and everything. My difficulties in relationships of all kinds, my lack of feelings, my low, low energy levels, chronic depression (I am diagnosed with dysthymia), my crazy random anger, and everything else might be related to my PDm? I have to think about this for a while.

But thank you, Latchkey, RavenLady, and cloudydays for the kind words and the encouragement. I'll be back.

Latchkey · January 21, 2019, 09:43:26 PM

Hi WonderGirl,

You are definitely not alone with the lightbulb moment after reading about CPTSD. I hope you do not see this as another diagnosis but can see the resources available to help you as you go along.
It has helped me incredibly especially when I find myself having an emotional flashback. I never had words for what was happening.
Basically, many here have various levels of CPTSD... with me, I had early trauma and then had a Step Mom that was likely a psychopath. I should say is a psychopath. I'm NC with her but even seeing a picture of her now sends me into a freeze mode.
I went on to marry men with PDs and have kids with them. I'm finally now, almost 50, and twice divorced -- feeling like I am more at peace.

Check out the PD Parents boards and also the Working on Us sections here again. As I said, many of us here have varying degrees of CPTSD and we are all in different stages whether we identify as CPTSD or not.

Latchkey

RavenLady · January 21, 2019, 11:30:49 PM

Hi WonderGirl. Welcome to the club...and sorry you've had to join.

The C-PTSD stuff is a really big deal for me too and I can get overwhelmed by the enormity of it if I let myself. Pete Walker's piece on his website about emotional flashbacks includes steps for self-care that might be worth keeping at hand.

A lot of thinkers in these trauma-informed fields are trying to get people like us to stop thinking in terms of "what's wrong with us" and instead think "what happened to us." Might be something to hold onto because when you write that you "might have something legitimately wrong with" you, it sounds like you are echoing what would be, in my head, the very emotional abuse that got me into this pickle. You know the voice: the one that is putting you down, insisting you are less-than. Some people call that the "inner perpetrator" or "inner critic" and I'm one of the many who has to learn how to circumvent this negative, condemning voice that I've internalized, because it keeps me stuck. We are doing the abusers' work for them when we listen to this part of ourselves. Contrary to this voice, we aren't to blame for the ways we were shaped by parents who failed to love us for who we are/were. There is nothing "wrong" with you.

And, with C-PTSD, the good news is we can heal ourselves from these wounds (usually with help). It's a relatively new field in trauma research but others have been blazing the trail for us. I'm hoping resources on the topic will continue to grow.

cloudydays...thanks! Always nice to hear I've made sense to someone who isn't stuck between these two particular ears.

FrozenDarkness · February 01, 2019, 06:35:21 PM

Hello,

I'm new here and kind of at the opposite end of the spectrum from you, but I totally get what you mean. I struggled for years with thinking I was just being a brat and blaming mommy for my issues, but after talking with individuals who I know are healthy, and some of whom are parents, I learned that my mother was a big part of the problem and I was in no way wrong about how she had gotten in the way of my success and had even missed some things she had done to sabotage me.

I'm just starting out in the workforce, and to a certain extent I tend to spend too much time planning to the point that I can get stuck at the starting line trying to plan for the mess that is my family coming along and screwing everything up. If your family is anything like mine, planning for the future is hard because so much time and energy is going towards cleaning up past messes and putting out current fires. I'm currently trying to put a country between me and my FOO, but I know even then and with no contact they will haunt me in my current state.

I agree with the others that you would probably benefit fro C-PTSD work, but in regards to your retirement planning issues have you considered talking to a financial adviser? Many major banks have them and some even are free for account holders. They can help you figure out what you need for a comfortable retirement, where you are at, and how to get there with advice tailored to your specific situation.