Hello from the FOG

[FrozenDarkness]

I've known about this site for several months.  Honestly, I didn't even read any of the forums because part of me felt that I had no right to read about others when I wasn't ready to share my own pain.  Today, I think I'm finally ready, and I hope that this place in combination with therapy and changes in my life will help me not only get Out of the FOG, but also heal from the wounds.

I have a BPD mother and older sister, and PD father.  Growing up, my family didn't believe in mental health or psychology, so I went a long time without help, until I finally got breathing room in college.  After years of therapy I have been diagnosed with depression and C-PTSD and recently everything came to a head when my family went from their typical (which I've learned is awful, verbally and emotionally abusive, with a heavy dose of FOG) to straight-up bat-shit even wanting me to basically tie myself to them financially forever, my friends either ghosted or moved so far it was hard to communicate because of time differences, my job (which already was what my family wanted not what I wanted) became hell and demanding, my finances got tighter due to traveling to funeral after funeral, and my health took a nosedive.  Instead of just quitting my job, I'm now on a medical leave of absence and working on Grey Rock Safe Detachment because after trying to set boundaries, go limited contact, and just have a heart to heart I unfortunately have accepted that I may need to go no contact with my family and completely disappear.

That though alone brings me so much pain, but when it is bad enough that I even thought of changing my name, I realized just how bad it is.  After all these years if nothing else it is good to know that after all these years I'm not insane (or if I am I have a valid reason to be) and maybe more importantly, that I'm not alone.

[Summer Sun]

FrozenDarkness, welcome to Out of the FOG.  Going NC with FOO is so very difficult, usually a heart wrenching decision based in self preservation.  Many do not understand, we get it. 

Please feel free to peruse the forums, those that you can most relate to I'm sure you will find validating, and, helpful.  Check out the traits, behaviors as well as the toolbox.  Knowledge is empowering and helps to strengthen us internally to affect any personal behavioural changes in response to the PD's kn our lives.

I went NC after much inner turmoil, for my own mental health and well being. Many here find boundaries, MC and Grey Rock effective tools too. 

Wishing you strength, courage, wisdom, kindness and support along the journey.

Summer Sun

[bloomie]

FrozenDarkness - I am thankful you officially joined the forum as you heal and find a firm path forward in these troubling relationships. You are wise to gather to yourself many avenues of support and encouragement, wisdom and strength as you take this journey Out of the FOG.

Having the courage to join and make your first post is a huge step and one that I personally found formidable as I had felt so undeserving to be here, as if my circumstances didn't qualify for me to be here. I have found that sharing parts of my story and reaching out has brought clarity, validation and healing. I trust this will be true for you as well.

[RavenLady]

Hi FrozenDarkness. Like you, it was running out of options that brought me here and forced me to take a long, hard look at what my parents' treatment of me had done to my soul, health, and life. Every day I try to imagine what I could do to open up other options besides VVLC and NC, and there remains nothing, day after day. I exhausted everything else. When I finally took the plunge, my health improved dramatically practically overnight, which gave me the energy and time to begin piecing myself back together. Not promising that for everyone, of course, but I could hardly get better validation that I am on the necessary path. It was a shocking turn of events. Now, like you, I'm realizing C-PTSD shredded my self but also provides a roadmap for healing. If you haven't explored Pete Walker's writing or Peter Levine's, I can highly recommend both to you.

A big key for me was finally taking emotional abuse and neglect seriously. I had felt like such a weak whiner because I know so many people whose abuse was violent and extreme in ways mine was not. It turns out that isn't the right metric to use. Parental emotional abuse and neglect shapes our souls in ways that leaves us hamstrung in the realm of self-care. Until we recover, of course.

I hope your journey brings you hope and healing too. It probably will. You are in very good company here.