Finances, parenting, and other adult life things?

[rubixcube]

I've been really confused by something as I'm coming Out of the FOG.

Given that my ucovertBPDw is essentially a 3 year old in her emotions and behavior, but she has the rational faculties, age, body, and experiences of an adult, how do I do "adult" things like manage money, investments, retirement, or talk about major life decisions like raising our daughter, schooling, etc.?
My wife thinks she's "just like everyone else", and expects to be treated as a "normal" wife and partner, but I've learned that doesn't really work. She doesn't take her share of chores around the house and it's like her staying at home to raise our daughter while I work was really just her staying at home so she can do whatever she wants and put in the absolute minimum amount of effort to keep our daughter fed and clothed. She resents our daughter for even this small burden. She's not at home cooking and cleaning like she, and I, imagined she would be doing when we made these arrangements.

Basically, I work form home 8-4 everyday, then right after work I do my chores (my responsibilities around the house), then get to work around the yard or doing the myriad construction projects she wants done. I finish around 6:30pm(I'd work later but she complains I don't spend time with her and our daughter).

it seems like all this arrangement did was enable her. And I know I'm totally enabling by working my rear off to "appease/please" her.

How do you get along living with someone as if they were a child of yours(mentally ill) at the same time that they expect to be treated like they were a properly functioning(non ill) individual? Maybe I'm not putting this into words correctly.

I don't treat her like a child, her behavior is that of a child's. I want(my expectations that need to die?) to have a "normal" partner that I can bring in on big decisions, but I just don't know how to, or if it's even possible.

Man, I'd love to hear how some of you committed to working on it deal with these kinds of things.

[Blackbird11]

I'm in a similar situation where it does feel like I'm parenting a child in some ways - it's literally like living with two different people. The PD side is the petulant kid who doesn't clean up after himself, is horrible with money, throws temper tantrums if he doesn't get his way sometimes, etc. Then he has the side that everyone else sees regularly - friendly, gregarious, level-headed, logical. But having to deal with the PD side is what I am dealing with daily, and I am just leveraging the tools, trying to not give a reaction (the same way I treat my actual baby!) while still trying to treat this person respectfully as a human being as that is my moral code for dealing with anyone. And yes - they expect to be treated exactly how they demand (even though I cant quite figure out the magical combination to meet those demands?). I'll tell you this: having my lightbulb moment, understanding what's happening and living with this type of behavior sure kills any existing romance real quick. Edited to add: And now I must fake decision-making with this person while I make the actual decisions to keep us out of bankruptcy.

[rubixcube]

Blackbird, you said exactly what I was trying to say! I couldn't quite articulate the experience (fog).

It's confusing stuff!

[Poison Ivy]

I have been divorced for almost three years.  I still remember where I was and what I was doing the moment a few years before the divorce when I realized that my husband had succeeded in his goal of being someone I couldn't count on for anything. At that particular moment, I wasn't angry; it would have been like feeling angry that the sky is blue or that there are four seasons.  My husband's intentional dysfunction was just a fact and I had to focus on being functional.

I won't lie.  It still makes me sad sometimes.  But neither the sadness nor anger nor anything I did or said had any effect on my ex's behavior.

[notrightinthehead]

Rubix - information, support, and a change of my behaviour is the route I chose.  I learned as much as I could about the disorder I dealt with. I found outside support by getting therapy for my low self worth, opening up to good friends and on this forum here, and I introduced boundaries and consequences for his behaviour. 
As you have responsibility for a child not only yourself, I would get legal support too, document neglect as much as I can - in case there might be a custody dispute in the far future.

[rubixcube]

information, support, and a change of my behaviour is the route I chose.  I learned as much as I could about the disorder I dealt with. I found outside support by getting therapy for my low self worth, opening up to good friends and on this forum here, and I introduced boundaries and consequences for his behaviour. 
As you have responsibility for a child not only yourself, I would get legal support too, document neglect as much as I can - in case there might be a custody dispute in the far future.

Indeed! I've been devouring BPD literature, trying to learn as much as I can as well, to get myself Out of the FOG. I'm choosing the route of compassion over resentment, and it's not easy. It's requiring a LOT of change in myself and my behaviors/reactions. At the moment, I'm very withdrawn from our relationship as I work to essentially reset myself in order to approach the future with different responses/reactions to our current pattern of interactions. I've been going to individual therapy to find support, but the therapist I'm seeing doesn't have PD experience. It's valuable in some ways, but not in the categories I'm looking for. I have an appointment on Feb. 9th with someone with extensive PD experience. I'm holding my breath! This forum and the toolbox have been a lifesaver, as has been the book "Stop Caretaking the borderline or Narcissist".

As far as legal goes, I've wondered about that. My wife being covert, doesn't make it easy. Technically she gets by, but barely. My only hope for a legal leg to stand on is somehow getter her a diagnosis. I hope it doesn't come to all that, but "hope for the best, prepare for the worst".

[Poison Ivy]

Me, again.  I should have led off with the years of difficulties living with my then-husband (he cheated financially, was unemployed for many years, didn't pull his weight around the house, withdrew emotionally from me and our daughters when they entered their preteen years, etc.). I felt a moral obligation to try to help him and get him into mental health treatment.  I received mixed messages as to whether this was a good thing.  "He's sick: you have to help him" v. "He's an adult: he can do what he wants" v. "He's sick and he's an adult and he can do what he wants and you can't make him get help but you shouldn't divorce him even though you have to do everything in the marriage."  It was extremely stressful.  I still feel resentment that I didn't get more support and understanding, either from friends and family or from mental health professionals, as the very functional spouse of a person who chose to not try to fix his own problems.

[Rutrutrut]

Hi rubix,

Your first paragraph completely explains my situation, it is as if I wrote it. Freaked me out a bit.

My wife and I have been together for about 3 years married for 1.5 and have a 1.5 year old daughter. We are both 25, I am the only one that works and try to save all my money I can, she on the other hand doesn't work and just spends spends spends. I no longer have any emotional connection with her and unsure what to do.

Wish I could post something more in-depth but I have to post in the bathroom without being beraided with questions on what I'm doing.

[1footouttadefog]

I've been really confused by something as I'm coming Out of the FOG.

Given that my ucovertBPDw is essentially a 3 year old in her emotions and behavior, but she has the rational faculties, age, body, and experiences of an adult, how do I do "adult" things like manage money, investments, retirement, or talk about major life decisions like raising our daughter, schooling, etc.?
My wife thinks she's "just like everyone else", and expects to be treated as a "normal" wife and partner, but I've learned that doesn't really work. She doesn't take her share of chores around the house and it's like her staying at home to raise our daughter while I work was really just her staying at home so she can do whatever she wants and put in the absolute minimum amount of effort to keep our daughter fed and clothed. She resents our daughter for even this small burden. She's not at home cooking and cleaning like she, and I, imagined she would be doing when we made these arrangements.

Basically, I work form home 8-4 everyday, then right after work I do my chores (my responsibilities around the house), then get to work around the yard or doing the myriad construction projects she wants done. I finish around 6:30pm(I'd work later but she complains I don't spend time with her and our daughter).

it seems like all this arrangement did was enable her. And I know I'm totally enabling by working my rear off to "appease/please" her.

How do you get along living with someone as if they were a child of yours(mentally ill) at the same time that they expect to be treated like they were a properly functioning(non ill) individual? Maybe I'm not putting this into words correctly.

I don't treat her like a child, her behavior is that of a child's. I want(my expectations that need to die?) to have a "normal" partner that I can bring in on big decisions, but I just don't know how to, or if it's even possible.

Man, I'd love to hear how some of you committed to working on it deal with these kinds of things.

It seems the current arrangement is clearly not working.  It seems it's not best for anyone involved.

You are not happy, your wife seems unhappy, and your child might not be getting the best care if your wife is doing the bare minimum and resents the child.

I stayed at home with my children, and worked from home to make that possible.  I also home schooled. However there was a time when I needed a break and I went to work out of the home.  It was what was best at the time.  A year later I returned to home and home schooling. 

Are you all locked into this?  Is it possible you could put your child in daycare full or part time and your wife could work out of the house and pay for the day care.  Of if your child is old enough to go to school perhaps your wife could work during school hours. 

Could it be the arrangement is not a good match for the personality types involved and there are other viable options?

[movingforward2]

My husband stayed home with our kids as well and like you described, he really only gave them the bare minimum care.  They were fed and clothed and that's about it.  They are now 8 and 13 and he often claims he has raised them  and claims he made huge sacrifices by staying home.     First off...they are not adults yet so they are not 'raised.'  Secondly, I am the one that has done all the hard stuff...stayed up all night when they were sick, take them to doctors, clean, cook, etc.   He stayed home because he couldn't hold down a job and it gave him something to do.  I'd work all day long and then come home and cook/clean, etc.

I don't have much advice for you other than to focus on yourself and do what is good for you and your child.  You can't change her.  I read a meme the other day that says unless they were a diaper, you can't change them and I think there is truth to that.  So, you have to decide on what you are going to tolerate.  What are the good things about your wife?  Do they outweigh the bad?  Sometimes it's helpful to make a concrete list so you can see it on paper.

Sorry you are going through this.  It's super stressful.  I honestly suspect my marriage has caused the autoimmune issues I have.  Sometimes I wonder if the price of being married to my husband is worth it, to be honest.