Good article on how to respond to a smear campaign?

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sandpiper

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Good article on how to respond to a smear campaign?
« on: January 23, 2019, 07:32:47 PM »
I am in a situation where I'm trying to recoup some losses from my family's smear campaign of many years ago.
I remember there was a brilliant essay somewhere with great practical advice about how to counter smear campaigns and I can't find it.
An internet search has just pulled up a few 'say nothing and retain your dignity' pieces and the piece that I am thinking of said that this is one of the worst things you can do. I know the advice ran along the lines of, speak your truth quietly and set the record straight and then express a wish to move on and not dwell on the topic.
People who have been recruited by the narcissist to enact damage on the victim will be wary of the drama and they simply won't want to get caught up in it.
Does anyone have any links to good articles?
I'm kicking myself that I didn't copy that essay years ago & print it up.

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: Good article on how to respond to a smear campaign?
« Reply #1 on: January 23, 2019, 08:21:00 PM »
Sorry you're dealing with this and have you tried the search at the top of the Forum for the keywords? Maybe it was posted here?
Every interaction w/ PD persons results in damage-plan accordingly, make time to heal
Individuation is one key to emotional freedom
It's foolish to expect of others what they have no capacity to give
my Empowered Growth,Gentle Boundaries,Emotional Healing blog

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sandpiper

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Re: Good article on how to respond to a smear campaign?
« Reply #2 on: January 24, 2019, 03:55:59 AM »
Thanks, Spring Butterfly. I found the link but it's been disconnected - it's a private blog now.
Meh, should've printed it up when I had the chance.
That's OK I will have to turn my brain power to this.

I'm kicking myself that I didn't respond to the friend who'd been recruited by my family with 'You seem very willing to condemn me based on what you've heard about me rather than what your own experience has been. Is that fair?'
At least it might make them think, next time.


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Danden

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Re: Good article on how to respond to a smear campaign?
« Reply #3 on: January 24, 2019, 11:01:38 AM »
Sandpiper, that is a great reply. 

Here is one I have thought of (but didn't say) when someone told me I should call my mother, because "it would be nice."  I should have said:  "I understand what you are saying, but you haven't walked a mile in my shoes.  My shoes are very painful and have been very painful for a very long time.  You are a good person, so I wouldn't actually want you, or anyone, to walk in my shoes.  I'm sorry you do'n't understand."

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betta fish

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Re: Good article on how to respond to a smear campaign?
« Reply #4 on: January 24, 2019, 11:42:30 AM »
Hi,


Sorry I cannot help find the website you seek.  Smear campaigns are horrible.  It hurts on a whole other level.  Having some family members believe all my uBPDmom lies is heart breaking.  The smear campaign started when I was little.  Family members have been hearing what a selfish and thoughtless person I am for so long that believing more lies related to my NC is not a big step for them. My mother has a wonderful social face and few people know first hand how I was treated.

My mother's brother is a narcissist and everyone knows what he has done to his children.  As an adult when I decided to limit contact my cousin asked me why.  I started telling her what I lived through and even she could not believe me, she spent her life envying me for having such good parents.  She couldn't grasp that my emotional and psychological abuse is real and destructive. It is impossible for family members to believe my story, but they have no problem believing my mothers stories, which are crazy and beyond belief.

I try to keep my answers short, since I know all will be reported back to my uBPDmom.  It sucks beyond words!
“Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.”
― Maya Angelou

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sandpiper

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Re: Good article on how to respond to a smear campaign?
« Reply #5 on: January 25, 2019, 11:39:08 PM »
thanks everyone, for your replies.
Bettafish - yes, sometimes I struggle to know what to say because I have to worry about the mutual friend being suckered by disordered FOO. You have to be so careful with what you say when there's a view to what will be reported back and then twisted around and used against you.
Danden - I use a variation on that which is 'I'd prefer that you don't judge me until you've walked a mile in my shoes. Then you'll be a mile away from me, wearing my shoes.' All said with a big bright cheery smile so that they laugh - but they hear me, and usually that shuts them up.
SpringButterfly - hugs. we've walked through some trenches together over the years & it is just nice to hear your voice. So to speak :) xxx I've had to use some crumbling brain power & it actually helped to jog my memory to think 'If someone else was asking for my advice, what would I say here?' My mind always works so much better if I focus on supporting someone else. Time to turn my compulsive caretaking instinct back onto nurturing and guiding myself.

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: Good article on how to respond to a smear campaign?
« Reply #6 on: January 26, 2019, 06:01:21 PM »
Yes sandpiper we have walked a long time and it is indeed very good to focus in self care. You know I'm a big fan :D
Every interaction w/ PD persons results in damage-plan accordingly, make time to heal
Individuation is one key to emotional freedom
It's foolish to expect of others what they have no capacity to give
my Empowered Growth,Gentle Boundaries,Emotional Healing blog

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Juniperberry

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Re: Good article on how to respond to a smear campaign?
« Reply #7 on: January 26, 2019, 11:06:43 PM »
You seem very willing to condemn me based on what you've heard about me rather than what your own experience has been. Is that fair?

Ooohhh, that’s good. 

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sandpiper

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Re: Good article on how to respond to a smear campaign?
« Reply #8 on: January 26, 2019, 11:30:54 PM »
SpringButterfly  :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:
Juniperberry: my mouth is a blessing and a curse. I am never lost for a response but I have learned to weigh & measure it for a cost:benefit analysis & the thought 'Do I really want to be that person?'
That said, sometimes things just get out & they do what's necessary.
I lost my mother when I was young & to this I credit that she was able to do far less damage to me than to my older sisters.
Mother-worship being what it is in this society, I have had to listen to an endless bout of 'Oh you poor thing Oh You must miss her Oh you are so deprived.'
One day someone went so far off the deep end with that one & it was while I was dealing with something particularly noxious that mother had put in place & I just was not in the mood.
I looked at this person playing the violin about my early loss of my Narcissist trait controlling mother who stopped me from knowing my father's family & I just looked at her and said 'What makes you so sure she's someone I would miss?'
The look on her face. She backed right down and apologised profusely & never dared to mention my mother ever again.  ;D

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: Good article on how to respond to a smear campaign?
« Reply #9 on: January 27, 2019, 08:29:20 AM »
Quote
'What makes you so sure she's someone I would miss?'
priceless  :applause:
Every interaction w/ PD persons results in damage-plan accordingly, make time to heal
Individuation is one key to emotional freedom
It's foolish to expect of others what they have no capacity to give
my Empowered Growth,Gentle Boundaries,Emotional Healing blog