Silence & Shame

[Wilderhearts]

I've been struggling lately in a way that I'm having difficulty putting into words, but I realized only recently that I'm experiencing a lot of shame resulting from an abusive pwOCPD in recent years.  It often centres around fears that people the pwOCPD and I know in common won't believe me.  Part of the issue is that pwOCPD has and incredibly convincing, lovely false-self  that even fooled me for some time: she's sunny, demur, incredibly nice and polite, and sweet to the point you think "huh, a little unusual, but where's the harm"?    The trouble is that she can do a 180 in an instant, become menacing, physically intimidating, exceptionally psychologically abusive, and out of control.  If I hadn't seen it for myself I don't know that I ever would have believed it possible, so I don't expect others to either.

It makes me feel hamstrung - I've only opened up about the  "PD explosion of abuse" to people to whom I'm incredibly close, partly because I'm afraid others will think the story is so outrageous that I'm the one who must be making things up, must have done something wrong, or driven her to extremes (she tried to convince me of all this, of course).  There was also the issue that I was a target  while the other two housemates were not, although I understand now why I'm a PD magnet (thanks FOO).  It's turned into what feels like a cycle of silence and shame.  How do you snap out of that?   I can do everything to mentally recognize that I am not responsible for the abuse and did nothing to deserve it, but it's like this shame is just sitting in the pit of my stomach, no matter what, and I don't know how to shake it.

[Hattie]

It's good that you understand that you are experiencing shame. For a long time, I was driven to cover up the abuse and not talk about it without realising that the reason was that I was ashamed.

What I have found absolutely transformative for this is loving kindness meditation. It involves cultivating kindness for yourself,then a friend, then a neutral person, a person you are struggling with and then all beings. It takes a while to get the hang of but there are apps etc that can help xx

[notrightinthehead]

I used my phone to record his abusive raging. It helped me with my abuse amnesia as well.

[Wilderhearts]

It is funny that shame will make you act in ways that prevents you from recognizing the shame.  I'll look into that meditation - thanks Hattie.  Kindness is one of my core values, and I try to do sensory self-care (tea, cozy things, oils etc), but shifting my default mentality into being kind to myself would sure be nice!

I'm glad that worked for you, NotRight.  I'm fortunately out of the situation, but I remember most of the details.  I don't, however, remember details of years of abuse in FOO that this experience brought up for me - just re-experiencing trauma and yeah, shame.

I did journal a lot after posting this (which another user suggested to me - maybe you, NotRight? Thanks, whoever it was) and realized there were some implicit messages this experience of abuse sent me that were the exact same as the ones I was sent as a child:
1. You create all the conflict you experience by standing up for yourself.  You're a bad person for being assertive.
2. The abuse is your fault because you took away my other options (i.e. different forms of abuse that you stood up against)
3. You are just like me.  You are hateful, evil, filled with contempt

So those took a lot to unravel, but I came up with some assertions to counter them:

1.  The only times standing up for myself creates conflict is when people try to deflect accountability for their behaviour by being abusive - most people in my life are accountable and telling them when their behaviour hurts me in some way leads to repairing the relationship.
2. Her other options included different forms of abuse and what I'd say was respectful but definitely subtly coercive communication.  She could have made a better effort at communicating clearly and respectfully, but she chose not to because it wasn't getting her exactly what she wanted. 
3. I may feel contempt (anger + disgust) for her treatment of me, even for her as a person, and those feelings may have shown, but one, they were justified (abuse like that is despicable and deserving of contempt!) and two, my treatment of her was as respectful as I could make it and not based in contempt

It helped me put a few more things to rest, for sure.  I think shame only ever comes out of lies and accepting blame for things we're not at fault for, so it was good to rip up those patterns that got laid down forever ago, although I'm sure it'll be an ongoing process.

[bloomie]

Wilderhearts - As an adult child from what I consider a narcissistic abusive family system where nothing was at all what it seemed to the outside world, a conditioned response to abuse has been a kind of deep shame and self abandonment. In fact... and I don't know why I just feel to share this with you - for many years with any form of pain - I was conditioned to experience it as deserved and brought on by my inadequacy and moral failings. One direct or covert strike from a malignant narcissist and I was out like a light in a heap of confusion and shame.

Something that came to my mind reading through your thread that has helped me a lot is to learn to shrink the inner critic that spewed false accusations and recriminations over me when I encountered abusive behaviors in another person toward me.

It settles my spirit to know that my conscience doesn't treat me harshly. It is honest, trustworthy and a true north. It is gentle and cares for me and nudges me when I have missed the mark and been off course in my thinking or responses to another person or myself. And I hear the quiet voice or sense the nudge because I am a person who is paying close attention to how I engage in this world and am diligent to act with integrity and a consistently thoughtful character. My very good guess is you are similar in how you choose to live out your life.

I found the work of Pete Walker in the area of inner/outer critic to be really helpful and you might, too. Here is an article that goes into detail: http://pete-walker.com/shrinkingInnerCritic.htm

Your counter assertions are empowering! Bravo! Keep at it!

[Wilderhearts]

Wow - what an incredible resource Bloomie.  Thank you!  It completely hits the nail on the head - especially the "thoughts as triggers".  This perfectly describes a lot of my experiences, and, funnily enough, my inner critic has taken the form of this pwOCPD.  I can imagine her criticizing the way I walk (fast & weaving around people, she would use it as evidence that I'm "aggressive"), the colour palettes I wear (dark, whereas she wears bright bright patterns - evidence of her good, sunny nature so I must be the bad witch), other minute things like the details she stored up as ammunition to use against me - which is exactly what Pete Walker talks about.

I haven't heard of "self-abandoment" before - I'll have to read up on it.  But I do understand what you mean when you say one malignant strike can send you reeling back into the chaos you were enmeshed in during childhood.

It settles my spirit to know that my conscience doesn't treat me harshly. It is honest, trustworthy and a true north. It is gentle and cares for me and nudges me when I have missed the mark and been off course in my thinking or responses to another person or myself. And I hear the quiet voice or sense the nudge because I am a person who is paying close attention to how I engage in this world and am diligent to act with integrity and a consistently thoughtful character. My very good guess is you are similar in how you choose to live out your life.

Thank you for that distinction between conscience and critic - it is so helpful to know that these painfully taunting criticisms have no role to play in becoming a better person, shame has no role in becoming a better person, and like Walker was writing, getting angry at that inner/outer critic is a big part of overcoming them and healing our FFF responses.