Are there actually non-abusive parents out there??

RavenLady · January 26, 2019, 10:07:53 PM

Maybe it's a sign my head has been in this stuff a bit too much lately, but in working through what we talk about here and doing my outside reading and video lessons, I'm starting to wonder if I've ever known any parents who aren't abusive. Is this terrible? Can you relate?

Can anyone confirm for me that you've seen non-PD parents in action, up close and personal, who don't abuse their kids?

F*ck. What a question.

Amadahy · January 27, 2019, 10:08:41 AM

Sadly, there is a great deal of abuse of children. Even as a very young child, I knew what kind of parent I did *not* want to be because of my Nmom's abuse. I now have three sons, two grown. You'd have to ask them (LOL), but I think I've managed not to be abusive.

Two things they have always done that I'd never do when a child is to question me (respectfully, mostly) and to tell me things they'd done that I would never tell my parents (like drinking a first beer). Oddly, because of my own background, I was really, really happy they felt they could express opinions and tell me about things they'd done. It showed they did not fear me like I feared my Nmom and that they could count on me, unlike me with enDad.

Have I done things I regret? Yes. I've yelled some (and apologized -- again, never got that as a child). Early on, I expected good behavior simply because of how much I did for them (can we say FLEAS?) But, since I was working so hard on healing, once I saw what I was doing, I stopped and just rolled with things, event by event, as best one can.

I am very fortunate to be partnered with a husband who had a loving, consistent childhood. Because I hate conflict so much, I tend to let some things go that shouldn't -- like not doing chores, for example. This is where hubs excels -- he can just tell them to do ithe dang chores whereas I would avoid and then get aggravated and take it out on him or on myself with self-destructive behaviors.

It has been a great challenge, but I wouldn't trade being a mother for anything. Please know that I use myself as an example not because of stellar parenting, but because of pretty good parenting when I had no role model. It can be done! 😊

Sneezy · January 27, 2019, 04:29:28 PM

Yes, there are some amazing parents out there. No one is perfect, though, and every parent messes up sometimes. But I think my Dad is a good example of what a father should be. He has been gone for over 10 years now, and it wasn't until he was older that I fully understood what he had sacrificed to stay with our family. My Mom was and is very difficult to be around for any length of time (waif BPD and/or covert NPD). I don't think my Dad ever felt loved by her. And I know she cheated on him from early in their marriage. I'm sure Dad didn't know anything about personality disorders. All he knew was that Mom made him miserable. After the last kid was out of the house, he told her it was time to either get counseling and fix their marriage or it was over. When she refused to go to counseling, he was still a gentleman, and he let her file for divorce, naming him as the guilty party (yeah, that was a thing back then). Now that Mom is getting older and I am becoming her caregiver, I wish I could go back in time and thank my Dad for sticking it out, for taking us camping and fishing, for going to every single school event, for teaching us how to play cards, for being there. He was one of the good ones.

Andeza · January 27, 2019, 10:39:58 PM

My FIL is a normal human being. Extremely stable, loving, great dad. My DH confirms this, that he loved and respected his dad growing up and there was no abuse. They exist! There's just... not a whole lot of them.

stasia · January 28, 2019, 10:56:35 AM

I have a friend whose parents are incredibly supportive. They're elderly, and her dad has cancer (in remission, but not cured and it's likely to recur). Yet, they are constantly helping HER with her special-needs kids. They OFFER to help her. They literally will drop everything and get on a plane to come help her. There is zero waifing, as far as I can tell.

This utterly shocks me every time I hear about it. I cannot fathom having an elderly parent who isn't waifing, manipulating, emotionally blackmailing, or otherwise abusing me into caring for them or fulfilling their emotional needs.

Yael924 · January 28, 2019, 12:30:06 PM

My university roommate's parents. Never. Hit. Her. Even. Once.

The roommate was so horrified by the verbal abuse I took via phone, she moved out within 6 weeks.

So they exist.

coyote · January 28, 2019, 01:23:55 PM

Yes they exist, you are hearing from one right now!

practical · January 28, 2019, 02:45:09 PM

They do exist. I'm old enough that the parents of acquaintances and friends die and many of them will express how much they'll miss their parent, how they did this or that together and how close they were and they actually are honest, it isn't "don't say anything bad about the dead" kind of bs. DH and I only look at them and sometimes tell them "Do you know how fortunate you are?" I cannot say any of this about my deceased M, my NC F nor can DH about his parents.

Also, there are quite a few of us on the board

. Breaking the cycle, neither living out nor passing on fleas, learning how to be a whole person and be that for our kids I think is an additional motivation for many of us, on top of wanting to heal for our own sake.

I think there are a lot of average, good enough parents, but there won't be a youtube clip or an article about them, their kids won't need to look for help of this kind. Nor is 'good enough' an "exciting" story, just like the news only reports what is wrong, catastrophic and the like and not on the average day of Jane Schmo.

Keep your faith, there are good, loving, decent people out there including parents.

practical · January 28, 2019, 04:14:23 PM

Quote from: practical on January 28, 2019, 02:45:09 PM
Also, there are quite a few of us on the board . Breaking the cycle, neither living out nor passing on fleas, learning how to be a whole person and be that for our kids I think is an additional motivation for many of us, on top of wanting to heal for our own sake.

If you are looking for an example, all4peace would be a good one. The is an Non-PD parent who started out with a disadvantage due to being raised by PDparents. She has worked for herself, her children, her marriage, even her relationship with her PDparents on her healing, on unlearning unhealthy (=no longer needed) coping mechanisms and to learn what wasn't given to her due to a lack of role models. She has been an inspiration to me.

RavenLady · January 28, 2019, 04:38:57 PM

Thanks, everyone. Faith in humanity slowly returning, here.

Thanks, practical. all4peace, you, and a few others I keep seeing on the parents with PD board do stand out to me around here in this regard. Your words ring very true and I suspect you are beyond good parents. Thanks for sticking it out and sharing what you learn with the rest of us.

jennsc85 · January 28, 2019, 06:15:35 PM

They definitely exist... it's almost hard for me to fathom, though. One of my good friends who I've known for years has a mother who is just wonderful beyond words. Her mother has done far more (I mean, it's not even a comparison) for me and my children than my own mother has. She's shown me love and understanding and concern which are all things that are unfamiliar to me in a mother. I remember one time her mother asked me questions about things that were going on in my life. She didn't interrupt me. She didn't turn the conversation back to herself. She didn't file my wrong doings away to later use against me. It was so strange to me to have a conversation with a woman who could be my mother (meaning, she's my mother's age) but who is so incredibly different it's almost unreal.

KeepONKeepingON · January 28, 2019, 07:59:25 PM

I hope that I am a good enough parent Raven Lady!

I started going to therapy after having kids, as having children made me realize how defenseless children are and how dependent they are on their parents. I realized that I had not deserved my mother's abuse and that I really needed to talk to someone about it.

Having children has made me really work on myself so that I can be the best mother that I can be. I try to be kind and nurturing. I have fleas but I am dealing with them.

I want my children to have a better childhood than mine and to grow up to be happy, confident and well adjusted adults.

I think that by sorting out my own issues and practicing self-care that I am able to be a nurturing mother. I think my parents are so waify, self-centered and demanding because they had rough childhoods, but they have not processed their experiences. They have not learned how to self regulate, so they expect others to look after them.