5 years later they find a way to contact me

[rtfm]

I'm not on here much anymore, though a recent tangle with a malignant N client had me back recently and now....now my enF has found a way past email filters, phone blocks, social media blocks, and a colleague with domestic violence training (who told them in no uncertain terms to never, ever call the company looking for me again).

Five years and some months ago I went NC with a letter that explained that I could no longer be in contact with them to preserve my health, and that they were not to contact me in any way at all and that I would be blocking their attempts and not responding. Before NC I had spent a decade turning myself inside out to try to change and fix my relationship with them, not knowing anything about NPD, and this forum helped me understand and get through the first, hardest months. For anybody wondering if it gets better and if NC is worth it - I'm sure it varies by person, but for me I feel like I finally got a chance to be human, and while I'm still learning and healing I would never look back even with the grief and pain and all the stuff that comes with NC.

Anyway, this evening totally randomly I get a message on a social media channel I didn't think to block them on, and it was the most banal, idiotic thing I could imagine. Absolutely no acknowledgement that I haven't spoken to them in more than five years. Just a note as if we talked last week...

I guess I'm posting here trying to figure out what this even is... Am I crazy to think that a normal, even quasi-healthy person might get back in touch with some kind of acknowledgement that things didn't end well? Maybe a "hey, I know that we had some bad times but I miss you" kind of a message? Rather than a total "nothing is wrong here" message? I feel so skeezed out at how my body responds to the brainwashing, I can't even really describe it except that I'm conscious of two totally different levels of response - the conditioned response that immediately believes I'm wrong and need to reach out, and the healing-person response that basically says hold up, this is totally not ok what they're doing. 

I'm obviously not going to respond, and I'll just block them on this new thing too. I'm just..not sure how on earth to even put my head around this.

Very strangely, I've been having an absolutely horrible week of emotional flashbacks, sleepless nights, random rage. For the first time in probably 2 years I put on a playlist that I made years ago to help me get through early NC...about 10 minutes before I got this contact attempt. This time of year isn't particularly special for anything I'm aware of - no birthdays or big events, so it's an unsettling and bizarre coincidence.

Thanks as always for any insight you all have.

[WomanInterrupted]

Hi Rtfm 

I think maybe your Spidey Sense *knew* something was up, even before you did - even though it's been over 5 years. 

No, people you've gone NC with - and *know* you've gone NC with them - don't just get to reach out to you and act like, "Hey, ho, how's it going?" - followed up with (possibly, if you have further contact - which I think you're smart to NOT have!   ) - "Done having your little snit or mood now?  Let's all sweep everything under the rug and pretend it's like nothing happened and you're still our little scapegoat."

DH and I have been NC with unNPD  MIL since the mid 90's.  After 10 years, she stopped sending cards that she never got a response to, so she tried the same thing - calling and acting like nothing was wrong and no time had passed.

It didn't go well for her.  She wanted DH to get his things from her house, as she was moving (it was the symbolic discard, aka "You're dead to me" return of everything from his babyhood, school years, a box of stuff she stole from us 15 or so years earlier (that freaked me the hell out!), AND fabricated *ledgers of all money she'd ever spent on DH, and then as us as a couple!*).   

I guess she thought we'd read those ledgers and feel bad.  Instead, we opened the  box of stuff she stole first and the return of freshly-laundered cotton panties she'd picked out of our hamper over 15 years ago nearly did my head in!  (I knew they were freshly laundered because you could still smell the fabric softener!) 

The rest of the stuff went into the attic until last summer - that's when we found the "ledgers" and just sighed, "Yup..." - before destroying them. 

We think she probably made them up while she was laundering my panties (which I threw out, BTW    )

A few years after the boxes, she reached out to DH, and he went to visit, to give her yet another of his endless "one more chance, to see if she's changed" tries - and wound up bailing after 5 minutes, because she started screeching at him like a lunatic, while insisting she wasn't screaming and *he had to tell her when she got like this - but she wasn't like this; everything is FINE!*   

That was the end of that - and now DH knows she's probably unNPD and will only change *to get worse as she ages.*

I expect to hear from her in the next few years - she's in her 70's now, her latest DH is in his late 80's, and she'll probably wrongly think we'll take her in to be her caregivers.

She has *no* idea what she's in for.   

"Oh, that's something.  Wow.  Well, we can't help you, but I'm sure you'll think of something - bye!" - and BLOCK!   

I fully expect her to act like your enF, since she has in the past, and doesn't seem to be able to learn anything new, and keeps going her default of let's pretend nothing ever happened.

Five years have gone by for your parents and I imagine things haven't gone well - and they're getting older as their world probably gets smaller and more insular, and their health is probably declining, too.

If you're in the median age of this board - which seems to be 40's to 50's - they could be testing the waters to see if they can sweep things under the rug enough for you to be their *caregiver* - which really translates to SLAVE.   

What I'd do is *breathe* - just because he reached out, doesn't mean you *have* to reply, or even *should* reply.   

They're owed no social niceties - you told them to *not contact you, now or ever.*   

Hell, I'd get good and pissed, if I were you -  IME, getting good and angry helps anxiety.   

Your mileage may vary, but a nice journal rant of, "How fucking DARE you..." might help.   

Think of all other social  media  you might have forgotten about - MySpace?  Linkedin?  Instagram?  Twitter?

Go through and either block them or delete the accounts.  And *definitely* block them on the account they reached out to you on - or delete it. 

These aren't old friends you lost track of.  These are people you very explicitly told *you want no further contact, now or ever*.  They don't get to *decide* enough time has gone by and force unwanted contact.   

If they'd truly changed, the message would have been, "We're very sorry for the numerous ways we hurt you and would like to make amends.  Would you even consider meeting us for coffee, so we can address the issues in your letter, apologize in person, and see if there's a way to heal the fracture in our relationship?  We love you and miss you - and we were wrong."

Or anything even *close* to that - but instead you got rug-sweeping, which is somehow even worse than, "We're sorry but you were/did/said/acted like..."

Rug-sweeping denies there ever was a problem.  La la la, everything was fine until you had your (insert problem here - mental breakdown, mental illness, drug addiction, controlling spouse, midlife crisis, whatever they'd like to  delude themselves with   ) and now it's time to cut it out and put us first again, like it should be - and get back in that little scapegoat box, where you belong!

Your continued silence says it best, which is why I'd shore up my blocks and delete unused or rarely-used accounts, because people like your parents *will never get it* - and will look for another way to contact you.

They don't think of you as a person, but a resource  to exploit and a  PD supply. 

Stay the course.  Ignore.  Shore up your online presence and any other way they can think to try to get to you - but don't obsess over it.   

Think of it more as a game of PD Whack-A-Mole.   

And know you're going to be okay - they can't actually *make  you do anything  you don't want to do.*

Those days are OVAH.   

And so are the days of pretending we're just one big happy family, la la la - LIE.   

[daughter]

I'd ignore the contact attempt, and plug the contact-route as best possible.  I've dealt with registered letters from estate-planning attorney, requiring me to self-disinherit myself (is that even possible?); hard to ignore, so I retained an attorney to process documents for them, no-contest, here's the signature, leave me alone.

[rtfm]

WomanInterrupted, thank you. I totally needed to read this today. They are getting older and I figured at some point I'd be hearing from one of the few remaining people near them to try to con me into caregiving (short answer: nope, they were awfully adept at taking maximum advantage and stealing from their own aging parents to put them into care homes, so they know how this game is played and require no assistance from me).

But so much more, there's been a change in my life that is visible on the medium they used to send their message, and I guarantee you they think I'll be more compliant now.

"Done having your little snit or mood now?  Let's all sweep everything under the rug and pretend it's like nothing happened and you're still our little scapegoat."

and

but instead you got rug-sweeping, which is somehow even worse than, "We're sorry but you were/did/said/acted like..."

Rug-sweeping denies there ever was a problem.  La la la, everything was fine until you had your (insert problem here - mental breakdown, mental illness, drug addiction, controlling spouse, midlife crisis, whatever they'd like to  delude themselves with   ) and now it's time to cut it out and put us first again, like it should be - and get back in that little scapegoat box, where you belong!

Thank you. Yes. They could rug-sweep for their country and it always drove me crazy but it's like I'd forgotten that part of it. There were so many other, overt things they did that the rug-sweeping aftermath was sort of forgotten, but you're right to say it's somehow worse. I've lived through or avoided contact attempts enough to know for sure I won't answer him, but what sent me here looking for insight was the rug sweeping and wondering why I was feeling the FOG so strongly.

What you've helped me see is a part of the conditioning that I hadn't paid much attention to. For me, the cycle was:

• a thing happens that may or may not have anything to do with me
• they react with one or more abusive tactics
• I get upset because they said awful things to me
• they tell me that if I'd just apologize everything would be fine and they'd forgive me
• I don't fall for it the first few times and they increase their aggression and hostility
• I calculate that I will literally never hear the end of it so I capitulate and apologize and they magnanimously forgive me for whatever it was they did
• They sweep it under the rug and never directly mention it again (....except when they're feeling insecure and lacking anything else to provoke the cycle all over again...)

If I ever brought up any of the things that had been swept under the rug, well, I was crazy or a liar - that never happened! If THEY ever brought up any of the things that had been swept under the rug, it was all new to them - "That thing we'd argued about? We never argued about it, you're such a liar, but your response now shows we SHOULD argue so we're going to!"

And because they're both Ns of some variety, they repeated their patterns with the same basic words and phrases every single time. So it became like a programmed response from me when I heard certain things. Some of those phrases were in his "la la la everything's great" message. And it's always said in such a way that an outsider would see it and think "oh, isn't that nice?" so if I ignore it I'm the one in the wrong/selfish/horrible/whatever.

And can I just commend you for throwing out rather than taking a blowtorch to the ledgers and freshly laundered panties? My FOO stole from me and told me how much I owed them for each year of my childhood but...I might've just broken out in hives a little bit on your behalf reading about the laundry. Every time I feel myself thinking "I'm healthier now....and they're disordered (poor them  )...maybe I should just make sure they're OK from a distance" I re-read my own stories and read other people's and think...nope! They lost the reap-what-you-sow game, hate it for 'em but nope.

[Riggo199]

Woman Interrupted,

THANK YOU SO MUCH for your post.  I printed it out and will read it every time my psych Mom tries to contact me.  I have been 5 years no contact, and right now....she is trying to contact me...just like you said, "like nothing has ever happened".  She recently sent me a bday card saying, "I don't know what happened that we don't talk but I think of you everyday, in my mind".  EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!  My heart has been racing with anxiety. I should not have even read the card.  I was hoping for some apology?  Silly me.

Anyway, thanks!!

[AnneH]

Hi, what you describe is exactly what weirded me out about the last contact attempts I actually fielded from enF. At the time, the entire FOO had bought plane tickets to come see me uninvited overseas...with the stated purpose of convincing me to make amends (= grovel and seek forgiveness) with uHPD sis, with whom I had been NC for several years. (I was informed about the trip as part of an in-person family intervention/ ambush at F's home).  As soon as I got back to my home overseas, I got the police involved and let's just say they dissuaded uHPD sis from coming over here. Of course she went crying to enF, who...called me and sent me "loving" emails as if nothing at all had occurred; indeed without mentioning the upcoming trip at all. I went vvlc and then finally NC with the rest of FOO over a period of about 8 months and received nothing but saccharine cards and voicemails. Thank you for posting your experience.