Narcissistic Parent Running Smear Campaign Over My Pregnancy

[candyapple]

I grew up with an NPD mother and enabler father, and as well my mother has Munchausen's by proxy, which meant I was subjected to long lists of diagnoses, and endless medications and procedures from birth to adulthood. In adulthood, my doctors couldn't figure out how I had even gotten any of my diagnoses, as I never had positive diagnostic tests, and over time doctors just quit treating me or started taking me off medications to see how I would do. I never had issues after going off medications, and over time I realized my "on the verge of death" status at all times was made up by my mother. I had to go no contact with my mother at age 37 because the only thing she can talk about to me is how sick I am, how crazy I am. It's such a one-sided delusional relationship that completely went against my reality and created much cognitive dissonance and confusion in my life. After much trauma therapy, psychotherapy, marriage therapy, and support groups, I have definitely made progress toward recovery, although I still struggle with that pain and anger and emptiness at times from all that I was put through and all that I was deprived of in my life. My husband and I really wanted to have a baby, and we decided to start trying, with the support of my medical team which helped me overcome being a victim of Munchausen's by proxy in adulthood. We are pregnant and so far everything has been going smoothly in pregnancy. My mother's reaction to the pregnancy has been very disturbing indeed. When I announced, she told me I would die in delivery, and she is trying to diagnose me with bleeding disorders but won't give me names for them. Her reason for diagnosing me with them is because she says she has these disorders and is newly diagnosed. Again, she won't tell me the name of the disorders or how to get tested. After announcing, I went back to no contact with her because this reaction was disturbing, and I don't need fear mongering about my imminent death while I am pregnant. I also don't need my mother if she cannot say congratulations or feel any sort of connection to me or my baby. I heard from a family member that my mother is running a sort of smear campaign on me now. She is having long conversations with family members, insisting that I will die during delivery and she will get to say "I told you so." She is creating a division where family have to choose sides, hers or mine, over my pregnancy. Some family go along with it, most go along with it for a time, and some are starting to actually choose me and tell her to stop fear mongering. I am so disturbed that my narcissist and lifelong abuser cannot let me go, has to try and come at me harder, over me making an independent life choice as a married adult without consulting with her. I am assuming she has lost some control over me and is reacting to that, and she is not ready to have me live a normal life because she always told me I would never get to do that. I have now blocked her phone number and my father's as he has not tried to stop her from doing this and is continuing to enable her. I will keep them blocked throughout the pregnancy. In a way, I am glad she made it easy for me to boot her out of mine and the baby's life by wishing harm and death on me to others repeatedly so she can say "I told you so" and keep me forever in a sick role. This is what I've heard all my life, and by her keeping it so covert, it has been tough for me to reveal to others her crazy. Now that she is saying these horrible things to family, they may understand more why I choose not to have her in my life. I am also going to expand my support system, and look into mommy baby bonding centers, as I am not going into being a new mom with any sort of family support. Anyone had any similar experiences, and what worked for you?

[Thru the Rain]

Congratulations on your pregnancy! What a wonderful time for you and your FOC!

You are 100% justified in removing a toxic person from your life at any time, but especially someone who wishes bad things on you during what should be a happy time.

I'm not too surprised to see your other family members taking your side. There is a clear cultural distaste for telling expectant mothers all the things that "could" go wrong. It's just glaringly awful!

I would also say that I've had a few friends and family who've had "this" or "that" go on during their pregnancy. And lo and behold, their doctors were able to see these things and provide treatment and support - resulting in healthy moms and babies. So to the extent that your (inappropriate) childhood programing is causing you to worry, you should trust your doctors. And bring any concerns up to them to be addressed.

I agree it looks like your M is desperate to regain control. And longer term, maybe its for the best that you are cutting off this relationship before your new little one ever meets her.

[OnwardUpward]

Congratulations to you and your husband on your pregnancy! 

Is it bad that I am almost envious that you have such a clear cut, empowering, and solid reason to go NC once and for all?  Not only has everyone seen and heard her comments and rants, but they are harmful and hurtful and your priorities have certainly every reason to shift away from her now.  Protecting your unborn baby not only now - from the stress and anxiety your mom is causing during your pregnancy - but also later so that your child doesn't have to go through what you went through with your m - is a serious act and the decision is yours alone.  I can't see how anyone would blame you for making the choice to not have contact with her. 

If you want her to be in your family's life I imagine a lot of boundaries would need to be set up.  I can't imagine going through what you went through again, but having the subject of her Munchausen's be your child.

To answer your question, I do not have any personal experience with this as I don't have any children of my own.  But I would check with your medical team to see if they know of mother/baby groups and also community centers like the YMCA (if you are in the US).  They Y has great programs for moms and babies from infancy on up - swimming, mom/baby yoga, etc.  They vary from location to location but it could be a place to start. 

Also, if you are in the US there is a program called Nurse Family Partnership that may be of help.  They are an incredible non-profit who help with first pregnancies.  A nurse comes to your home to work with you one-on-one from before the baby is born until it is 2 years old to help you with all of the questions, preparations, day-to-day things that come up, etc.  I think there is an income qualification for the service but it could be something to check out nonetheless.  Also, you may be able to get a referral from your doctor for the program.  You could check with your doc/medical team about that too, or the hospital or office social worker if they have one. 
www.nursefamilypartnership.org

All the best to you and your growing family!

[Andeza]

Hi candyapple! Congratulations! So excited for you guys!

DH and I are also expecting and I've had community resources offered up from just about every person imaginable. I would highly recommend, no matter where you are planning to give birth, to at least speak to a local doula or midwife as they will have mountains and mountains of information, and access to a number of post birth support groups. Any local birth centers will have stacks of pamphlets in the waiting rooms, and honestly... they might host the sort of classes and support groups you're looking for right there on site. Mine does. Also, they deal with less than ideal family situations quite often, and as professionals they are very nonjudgmental in that regard. The only concern my midwife had when she found out my own mother wasn't allowed at the birth, was whether or not I had other support to help me out. That was it.

[Yael924]

Congratulations candy apple!!

But I am deeply concerned for you and your little tadpole. Please tell me you are staying away from the mom who seems to be gearing up to hurt you and tadpole.

All this "you'll see" has my spidey senses in an uproar. She has a flair for the dramatic and that is tipping her hand.

For the love of whatever god or goddess you worship don't give her another chance to poison you and hurt your child.

[KeepONKeepingON]

Congratulations Candyapple,

Great news :-) Babies are the best! I think it's a good thing that you are NC with your mother. She sound incredibly toxic. I was still in the FOG when my son was born and BPD mother came to stay days after his birth. Her visit was very, very unpleasant and I felt very low afterwards.

I have a 4 year old and 2 year old. These are my thoughts on parenting without much family support:

Self care for you - I think it's important to get a break once or twice a week. I go to a pool that offers childcare and exercising makes a huge difference to my mood.
When your baby is a few months old, maybe you can go to a gym or community centre that offers childcare for a class or workout? Initially I felt selfish leaving my kids while I swam, but taking a break means that I am calmer and able to deal with things in a more positive way.

This ideas help me stay on top of housework and laundry: https://www.theorganisedmum.blog/

Get out with your baby at least once a day, go for walks in the park and explore places you haven't been. In my city there are talks by public health nurses. They are a great way to learn more and make friends with other mothers.

Check out your community centre, often they will offer baby and me yoga and playtimes where you can meet other babies and parents.

Counselling or therapy has been invaluable for me. I feel that having this support has really helped me.

Making a group of mom friends that you can spend time with and have adult chats with.

Maybe your city has a baby sitting service? We have a good one where I live and it helps to sometimes get a sitter so you and your husband can sometimes have a night out.

Congratulations again Candyapple