new here

[Momto5]

hi to all,
i just found this website/forum at the end of reading understanding and loving a person with narcissistic personality disorder. i am currently ending my marriage of 18 years and i have five children ages 6 to 16. my husband will not leave our home and has shamed me publicly in our community, the children's school, and my former church. he is currently telling the children that i'm making him leave the house without a reason and lying to them to make it seem as if he is the victim of what i am doing. last march i asked him to sign a release for me to talk to his mental health professionals and to allow them to talk with each other and our (then) marital counselor. he did not and so i told him that he could not live with us. he left that counselor but refused to leave our home. we started with another counselor and he left that counselor as well last july. i started writing legal letters last march and filed for divorce in october '18. our very first hearing is not until april 2nd. he will not leave our home and is getting worse.
i am fairly disengaged ... as much as i am able to be ... and focusing on the children. he is getting worse, lying more and more to the children and others, and accusing me of terrible things. i am more steady than i've ever been, but also more aware than ever that every day is taking its toll on my children. if you have any thoughts, encouragement or advice, i would be so grateful to read any of it. the other book i'm about mid-way through is you can thrive after narcissistic abuse by melanie tonia evans. if there are other resources any of you recommend, i would be grateful for those, too. my very best wishes to anyone reading.

[Spring Butterfly]

Warm welcome and what a terribly difficult situation. One of the resources we have when living and having to interact with a PD person is the Toolbox box at the top of the Forum especially the What To Do section. The other resource that helped me was looking up each of the individual traits in the Top Traits list and focusing on the do and don'ts section of each. Wishing you and your children peace at least as much as possible under the circumstances.

[Starboard Song]

My heart goes out to you.

Along with your wonderful children, I encourage yuo to recruit a special close circle: your FOC with whom you can share details, griefs, and joys -- for you will have much need for hugs and sharing from adults as you proceed.

Do study the Toolbox, and keep reading.

Good strength to you as you take steps to protect a space for you and your children to thrive.

[not broken]

hello Momto5.,
I am sorry you are having to deal with such horrible treatment.  I too have been married a little over 18 years, but with 3 kids and believe my H has NPD and possibly BPD.  One the VERY BEST BOOKS I have read is Lundy Bancroft's, "Why Does He Do That?"  I cannot tell you how much the book helped me work on separating the noise from what he was actually doing.  Look up "tenants of an angry man" online- it is from the book.  I copied that blurb and put it in an email that I saved in a folder to read to myself whenever I needed it.   The book describes the tactics and behaviors of controlling and angry men (women) and the information was an integral piece that helped me with articulating things to my H. It gave me the words to stand up for myself and helped me to see boundaries I wanted and to feel confident in them being valid.

Good luck and you have come to an excellent place for guidance and support.  It has helped me a great deal in just a few short months since I have arrived at Out of the FOG.