Keep them safe

[Meltracey]

I am powerful,  I am strong.  I will keep my children safe from harm.

That includes keeping me safe as it is harmful for my children to see someone yelling and manipulating me.

[Whiteheron]

 

...and in my case, keeping them safe (as safe as I can) from their dad's emotional abuse.

[anxiousmom]

I needed this today. Thank you for sharing. A great reminder.

[lilyflower236]

I love this warrior spirit! We need to hear this because the journey many of us are facing is long and hard and lonely.

I just want to remind all of us that sometimes it's not a bad thing to lay down our armor, and try to live. When I was going through my 1.5 year court battle last year to prove the emotional and verbal abuse my son was suffering at his dad's house (which I did successfully) I would mentally envision myself as either an Amazonian warrior mother or a mother bear (like from Brave!), protecting my child.

But I found being a warrior constantly was exhausting. I had trouble letting that role dominate my life and my interactions with my child. Even after I won the court battle, I was scared and hypervigilant and anxious still. I found no relief from the court's ruling in my favor for so many reasons.

That's why I have devoted myself this year to healing. I know not everyone here is in the same place and that's ok. Just remember it for later. My son is getting a new type of therapy that is focusing on helping him learn to cope with what happened by focusing the behaviors he's picked up from the stress and bad behavior that was modeled to him. My family just needs to heal.

My counselor once told me that every good parent wants to protect their child from everything bad in the world. It's such a primitive drive. But we can't though. However, our job is to give them the armor and weapons they need for protection. We do that by modeling healthy behaviors, teaching coping skills and self-respect, providing stable homes, and giving them unlimited love and acceptance. Those are the gifts we give our children.

[Meltracey]

Thank you for your reply! I ended up being so anxious that I got nothing productive I! (The printer didn't even work!) I should've just left and enjoyed the sunshine!

[Whiteheron]

I just want to remind all of us that sometimes it's not a bad thing to lay down our armor, and try to live. When I was going through my 1.5 year court battle last year to prove the emotional and verbal abuse my son was suffering at his dad's house (which I did successfully) I would mentally envision myself as either an Amazonian warrior mother or a mother bear (like from Brave!), protecting my child.

Do you mind if I ask how you were able to prove the emotional abuse?
So far, none of my "proof" counts...it's all just chalked up to "odd, but not provable"

[Stepping lightly]

Would be curious to know that as well.  BM is quite blatant in her abusive behaviors, and nobody denies they are happening really, but she's excused because she claims she is just a "protective mother". 

[lilyflower236]

To prove the emotional and verbal abuse I had to wait about 3 years before there was enough evidence to show a pattern. It sucks that it took that long (1.5 was during litigation) because it's going to have long-lasting effects on my child.

I was fortunate and had several things going for my case. The first is that my son talks, a lot. He's been telling me what his stepmother and father were doing and repeating things they were saying since he was at least 3. My son told his paternal grandmother what was going on. She was called as a witness for her son (my ex) and her testimony ended up supporting my evidence because she admitted my son had told her the things I'd reported to the court. My son told his stepdad. He told his teacher. He told his counselor. The counselor's testimony was the key of my case. My son told his guardian ad litem. He suffered immensely at the hands of his stepmother once it came out during litigation what he'd shared with others about her behavior but the court was able to step in quickly.

The second thing is I documented anything my son told me and kept 90% of my interactions with my ex to emails and texts. I was able to present the stepmother's nasty texts and emails to me as evidence of her hostility towards me and interference in co-parenting with my son's father.

When the abuse started happening I confronted my ex about it three times over two years via email and text and he brushed me off or didn't respond. These messages were presented as evidence that my ex knew the abuse was occurring but did nothing to stop it.

I guess that's the biggest things. I had an amazing lawyer who is a personal friend who grew up in the town I live in, and she is well-respected. She grew up around my ex's family, she knew what she was dealing with.  We got a great GAL assigned to my son who doesn't put up with bs. And we had a good judge too. It also helped that my ex and his wife are just ... not smart. They don't need much rope to hang themselves at all.

[Whiteheron]

Thanks for sharing. Unfortunately, my kids won't open up to their GAL. DS will open up to his T, but DD will not. When DS opens up it's coded and not straightforward because he's afraid his dad will somehow find out what he's said. DS tried planting a seed in the GAL's head, but it only ended up confusing her 

I so badly want to protect them, but I need their help to do so. They are too afraid of stbx and his reaction - just as I used to be. It's immobilizing.

[Nohigherjoy]

I've documented emotional and verbal abuse for over 2 years. Ex is in violation of divorce decree by drinking around kids (he's had 3 DUIs)... my problem is that Dad makes me out to be the bad guy and minimizes his drinking and I get blamed for everything by him and kids (ages 8,12,13,15). I can limit visits per divorce decree, but I'm fearful of backlash of Ex texting lies and manipulating kids further through phone calls and texts. Ex will cry and and become the victim of my "cruel" behavior, which is really in an attempt to protect the kids. I can't figure out what is worse - going through a court  battle to limit visits, thereby causing a lot of drama and hatred towards me and kids feeling sorry for dad. Or me allowing them visits and to eventually "see" for themselves his manipulation and issues. I'm obviously concerned for safety with drinking and it being minimized so that the kids see it as "normal" and also the verbal and emotional abuse. Sadly, he's still the "fun"'dad who gives them money and does fun trips and excursions with them. Just so very hard.