Intermittent reinforcement

[11JB68]

For some reason today I was thinking and reading about intermittent reinforcement. UPDh somehow made it through what must have been a strange meeting with a client, in which I felt pretty certain he was going to walk away from 90% of his source of income. Well the client apparently wants to keep working with him. Updh has left it that he will reevaluate in a couple months... Anyway, long story and off topic... But now that he's come through this he is apologizing to me, telling me how great I am etc... This used to work.  I'm at a point where it's not really working. I don't know that it's really 'love bombing', but I definitely think it qualifies as intermittent reinforcement. In the past I would let my guard down with this. I'm not inclined to do that. Part of me feels like I'm being a jerk for not accepting his apologies. But mostly I feel like I just can't anymore.

[Summer Sun]

11JB68, without reading your backstory, it sounds like you are seeing a pattern of intermittent reinforcement, which  keeps us engaged; plants seeds of hope that there is a possibility of PD enlightenment etc.  In any event, IME, the ever so infrequent positive reinforcement messages after normalized apathy at best, covert abuses at worst, it was like, wow, a crumb, which in my love starved state, I'd lap up with hopes for more, 

Until. You. See. The. Pattern.  Toss a crumb. 

Is the crumb guilt induced? Fear induced ie loss of feed? Or, could be useful again, let's keep the fish on the line? Etc. 

When apologies are a form of manipulation,  IME, we know.  It is usually after the replay button has been hit one time too many.

Sorry you are going through this!  Listen to your Intuition I've been told by my T.  When I do, it helps processing the self condemnation.

Summer Sun

[11JB68]

Thanks summer sun...

[bruceli]

For some reason today I was thinking and reading about intermittent reinforcement. UPDh somehow made it through what must have been a strange meeting with a client, in which I felt pretty certain he was going to walk away from 90% of his source of income. Well the client apparently wants to keep working with him. Updh has left it that he will reevaluate in a couple months... Anyway, long story and off topic... But now that he's come through this he is apologizing to me, telling me how great I am etc... This used to work.  I'm at a point where it's not really working. I don't know that it's really 'love bombing', but I definitely think it qualifies as intermittent reinforcement. In the past I would let my guard down with this. I'm not inclined to do that. Part of me feels like I'm being a jerk for not accepting his apologies. But mostly I feel like I just can't anymore.

Wait! So he didn't airhorn his client or squirt him with a spray bottle?  Gee, what gives?  Perhaps another example of a pwPD knowing/choosing right from wrong?  Knowing that 90% of HIS income is made on this one client? Hmmm, go figure, when they seem to directly and greatly benefit, making good/right decisions just seem too come naturally?  Very "selective competence" wouldn't you say?

[11JB68]

Ha! Bruceli, I see you followed that story... He had the air horn by the desk, but didn't use it. He did however yell at the client and hit the desk (I've been on the receiving end of that behavior...I personally find it very threatening/menacing). I'm still surprised the client tolerated that, but I tolerated it for 30 years before really realizing it was wrong, so who am I to question. Updh is not motivated by money, and seemed fine with the idea of living off our equity line and my income...I still think what got him was my very calm, matter of fact statement that he'd have to work on plan b, he doesn't have a plan b and certainly doesn't want to do thework involved in coming up with one. He's much more comfortable with his current situation. But typically, he wants it all his way. Oh well, I digress.... My mc seems to have eliminated the love bombing anyway. I keep wondering if he will ever notice that I am just not really reacting any more.