Concerned

[Simeon3]

This is my first post. I am the IL of a person with OCPD. I am torn between my desire to remain open-minded and supportive and my concern for my AC. When I hear about the taunts, and skewed logic I feel anger. I have made it a practice not to speak in anger, but each recurrence of verbal bashing makes it hard to respect my IL. I don't really think there is anything I can do except be supportive of my AC's decisions. Thanks for the Out of the FOG resources they have been a great help.

[Starboard Song]

It is hard to watch someone you care about be at all mistreated. Support for your AC will indeed mean respecting those decisions they make that fall short of your standards.

But you can model strong behavior and encourage your AC to discuss "how did that make you feel?"

Good luck to you. I am glad you found us.

[openskyblue]

Welcome to Out of the FOG!

It must be very hard to hear about the verbal abuse directed at your AC. Speaking as the AC who was verbally abused by my (now ex) NPD spouse, I can say that my mother's quiet support of me was a big part of the bedrock that supported me emotionally over some very hard times. I think making yourself available to (just) listen and be a loving shoulder will serve both you and your AC well.

One of the hardest parts of being married to a PD is that some friends and family members get aggravated with the non-PD for not taking some action immediately or fighting back in some way -- or they decide it's too uncomfortable to remain close with the non-PD person, who is often suffering under a continual load of abuse. When you are coming Out of the FOG or just trying to live in a difficult marriage, the last thing you need is other people's judgments. Early on my mother and step-father became my "ears", listening to me on bad days, keeping me company while I cried or did or didn't want to talk. Once I explained to them the situation with my NPD exhusband, they had an open door visiting policy for me. If I needed to get away, their door was always open to me to stay with them for a weekend or a few days. Sometimes those "vacations" were real life savers.

In our action-oriented society, we often lose the importance of just keeping company with someone suffering. Letting someone know that they are not alone is one of the most powerful gifts you can give anyone.

[Igloo7]

Speaking from having an amazingly supportive family, I can tell you that your support (quiet or otherwise) is the thing that gives your AC strength. Your AC appreciates your love and support more than you could know. Please know that your AC knows how much you wish you could take away the pain. You're doing a great job. Hang in there 💗

[Simeon3]

Thank you all for your kindness and for the support you provided to me; it makes a difference!