Gaslighted again feeling triggered

[eternallystuck]

Just got out of a conversation with npd m & as usual by the end of it her faux dearest mommy act falls through & she is gaslighting again trying to put me down & make me doubt myself

Ever since I've been back home around these dysfunctional foo members from hell I have felt all my self work rapidly decline & I am back to feeling constantly anxious, rejected & angry . You don't realise till you've been away just how toxic they are, the chaos never stops with these people. The insanity just keeps going

I found myself jadeing again having to constantly re-explain why my degrees taken this long (hint it has a LOT to do with their chaos/abuse). Considering the area I was brought up in & my abusive childhood, I've been ridiculously resilient.

Then she started telling me I'm not doin anythin to help myself (I've been busy all week trying to sort out the mess they've put me in) & then telling me I've not handed 1 piece of work in 2years which is a total lie. I handed 2 pieces in just last week, not that she would know Cos she has no interest! Anytime I've initiated convo about my uni work she looks totally disinterested! Why if she's so kean for me to finish does she switch off when I talk about it! It is so hurtful realising her intention is to constantly make me doubt myself. I can see exactly what she's doing, trying to brainwash me into giving up. This is because, as the scapegoat it's IN her interest I fail. I then get stupid message off her saying 'I actually feel sorry for u what an unhappy angry person you are'. That is laughable! The reason I have persistent depression/anxiety is due to her hideous anger issues/ lack of accountability & ongong abuse. You are bound to be unhappy when ur m is a raging gaslighting abusive NPD!

*breathe* I'm sorry but I needed to vent . I am so sick of her putting words into me mouth & rearranging my reality/exaggerating things to make me look bad. My uni are amazed I'm still hangin on considering the stuff I've had to wade through.

Just today I've already had to deal with n gma chaos creating & becoming hysterical over leaving her keys somewhere (I had to leave library to let her in with mine- she then continued her hysteria for next 3hours).

I'm about 2inches away from having a total breakdown n running for the hills!!!

[moglow]

Eternallystuck ... I'd like to challenge you to take a hard look at the username you chose, and find ways to change it. Change your life, change your handle here as it were. I'm not remotely suggesting it will be easy, but we'll never change others. We can only do that for ourselves, and by separating our stuff from theirs and vice versa.

Just because she/they choose to treat you poorly doesn't mean it's yours to fix. What you change is your response to it, or whether you respond at all. You can change your proximity and availability for however they choose to treat you. You can refuse to absorb it and make it a part of you.

That's not your stuff, Eternally, that's *their* stuff. Whether they choose to admit and accept it isn't for you to decide. You get to decide when enough is enough, and find better happier ways and places to spend your life. Maybe it's time to seek more of those?

[RavenLady]

So sorry you are being treated this way. Honestly, running for the hills sounds like a great idea to me.

This doesn't sound like a "home" for you. It sounds more like a torture chamber. Is there any way you can get out of there?

I haven't visited "home" for years. There was more than one reason. The primary one keeping me away now is the sense of suffocation, pain, and diminution I feel when I contemplate going there. I know I will return to being the teenager so vulnerable to their disapproval, criticism, gaslighting, invalidation, etc...and that teenager isn't who I want to be anymore. And I don't have to be her if I don't want to. So I stay away.

[eternallystuck]

Moglow I totally get what you're saying , that by being around people I can't change I'm subjecting myself to the insanity

Believe me I'm not here in some deluded attempt to rekindle with the unchangeable Ns . I'm quite annoyed I fell back here tbh

The trouble is I'm in a bit of a difficult situation in that I used my student funding up (they only fund u a set amount of years) & so I am trying to reach the end of my final year in non attendance. They granted me extensions due to depression but this meant moving back home. I knew it was going to be bad, not just bc of them, but this city is full of dysfunctional foos.


Finding part time employment that's enough to cover rent is difficult round here so I've found myself immersed back in the toxic foo cycle, like I'm reliving my childhood again.

I don't know if at this point I'm just in denial about giving this degree up. It's been the only bit of hope I had to cling onto & ive been fighting to keep it. I just don't want to end up at square 1 in a dead end job (I've done enough of them) . I also didn't get good grades before uni & feel like i have to finish. It would also feel like another win for them if I didnt.

At the same time I'm just extending my pd sentence. I don't have support here, quite the opposite, I don't know if I'm tryin to bite more than I can chew

Re my name, I do feel stuck sometimes, mentally , although I do maintain hope. But even when I've got away, to a better place, a happier one, the depression creeps back up & that void of a foo starts stirring up all kinds of feelings. My m's scornful words get back in my head. I feel like I'm wandering around restlessly. There isn't a single foo member I could say I have a close healthy bond with & I feel quite alienated cos of it.


RavenLady it is a torture chamber, and I know I need to get out whilst I still have the energy. I just don't want to make the brash decision about abandoning my degree for a full time job & regret it. I don't want to be stacking shelves fuming @ them again. I've already taken a lot of L's due to these ppl.

[RavenLady]

eternallystuck, I totally get how real being stuck can be and no judgment from here, that's for sure. I try not to think about the year I moved back "home" because of similar housing challenges so I could finish up school. I was in a cultish group at the time and between that, work and school I was hardly ever "home." When I was, it was like living with strangers anyway. I haven't thought about that time for a long time because it was just one of those things I had to get through one way or another. I did, and eventually moved so far away I was able to forget all about it. You will, too, I bet.

It can be valuable to move back after getting some perspective. Take good notes so that later, when the hoovering gets obnoxious, you will have a record to keep you from wasting more of your precious energy on them. Maybe approach it like an anthropologist? (Easier said than done, no doubt.)

[Juniperberry]

How long until you graduate?  I gather about a year but am not certain. 

IMO, a college degree that will allow you to be fully financially independent is worth putting up with crud for a year.  Eyes on the prize, with lots of effort into planning your future after graduation.  Perhaps including moving far away. 

Spend as much time out of the house as you can.  Sit in your car in parking lots to study if you have to.  Bare minimum of time in the house, grey rocking it. 

I'd spend this next year coming up with a very specific, researched plan as to how you are going to move on after graduation.  A lot of this will be working your internal willingness to move on, move away, and really, truly get yourself out of the unhealthy dynamic of your family.  Not just talking or dreaming about doing it, but really actually accepting-a-job-offer and signing-a-lease moving on with your life. 

All that said, if your degree is not one that leads to a job with decent pay and job possibilities, and there is a real possibility that this will not be the last year you are in student mode, then my advice differs.  The mere fact of having a degree isn't a miracle cure (where financial independence is as close to a miracle cure as you can get...) and a degree isn't a necessary step to launching into an independent life. 

If this is the case, I'd encourage you to figure out the absolute cheapest way you can live independently (like renting one room in a house), find a job that will provide that money, and work your schooling around that job.  And most low-level jobs have advancement opportunities for motivated employees, which would be high on my priority list when looking at jobs.   

Good luck.  And I agree that it would be wise to consider a username change.  No need to be stuck for eternity.  You can unstick yourself.