Realization

[need2bme]

I'm not really sure which thread this should be in, but since I'm struggling with uNPDm, I will put it here.

I've been reading through a lot of the threads, I've been reading books, and educating myself as much as possible.  What I've noticed is that rarely do those dealing with these issues of emotional abuse find healing as long as C is allowed.  I remember a few years back when I was struggling to go NC with a uPD friend...after months of battling, I saw clearly that I could not have a 2-minute convo with her.  Everything I had gained from months of NC would quickly disappear within just a few minutes of C with her.  I think no matter what person or PD we are dealing with...it seems that allowing them access to our minds only keeps us in the prisons that were not designed for us.

I know I want to heal.  I know I want the life I was not allowed as a child and the life I never claimed upon becoming an adult.  I am 42 and I'm tired of living someone else's life.  I live 'yelling distance' away from uNPDm and attend the same church (my dad is pastor).  I recognize that to go NC means starting over and basically losing everything I have and have worked for.  I'm taking the steps (packing, trying to find a home) to go NC).  I don't know when it will come, but I've recognized that every single time I find some strength within me...find some peace in accepting what has happened to me, it gets derailed as soon as I spend 5 minutes with m.  It's like taking one step forward and 10 steps back.  I know true healing is not possible here and true healing is my ultimate goal. 

I don't want to spend the rest of my life complaining about the horrific abuse I suffered.  I want to find forgiveness (that does not mean a relationship...just forgiveness) for my m...to accept that she has a sickness that I can not control and honestly, she can not control.  I think for me to find that would be a big step of breaking free of the prison I have been in.  There's no way I can find those things where I am because the abuse remains and the bitterness continues to grow.  I want freedom...true freedom from it all. 

I'm keeping a journal of the things as I recognize them...things I want to remember when I get derailed.  It will most likely be spring before I can move, if not longer.  I'm waiting for a door to open.  So, I have to work on finding things that can keep me grounded while I remain within arms reach of the abuse.  This forum has been such a gift!  Knowing I am not alone, but also being able to see the battles others face and hopefully learning from those experiences without having to go through them myself.  We can teach each other so much...together we can find freedom and healing!!

[bloomie]

need2bme - reading through your post this reality came to my mind and the wording is from the Boundaries books by Cloud and Townsend (faith based) and it goes like this.... humans were created to do two things... First, to separate from their parents and be independent from the parental "guardian" and manger role and secondly, to be free.

The reality you seem to be experiencing in the dynamic between your mother and yourself where you mother is attempting to control you and dominate you, enslaves you and denies your freedom and separateness as a fully grown adult. You are meant to be YOU! Just like your forum name says, you are fighting for independence and freedom and it is innate in us to do and is healthy and right.

The planning, packing, saving, looking for a new home of your own choosing - all of these steps are normal healthy steps that people take when they emerge into the fullness of their own lives. There is nothing harmful or unkind or rejecting in these steps. And taking them is going to be kind of like a relief valve for you as you plan and dream and look to the future knowing you are moving on from a situation that is untenable.

You are doing it! You are reclaiming your life and living in freedom. You are reclaiming your thoughts and practicing self care and finding good support as you grow and learn and heal and establish the life you want for yourself.

In my own dynamic coming from a Narcissistic family system time and distance from the source of pain and wounding was absolutely necessary for me to heal and to solidify all of this recovering work I was doing into a congruency of mind, body, emotions - my spirit. From that steadfast place of assurance, when I could stand securely in my position in my sphere of influence I was able to engage with my family system wisely, using strategies and tools I have learned and was secure in myself.

You are doing great work in your life with much courage and the path is steep right now. Complicated by the close proximity and many points of contact in your lives. If it is an encouragement - I have found that yes, I lost some people along the way when I began to live in the fullness of the freedom of my very own life and refuse abuse and I grieved hard those I lost, but I have found a family of choice and circle of friends that sustains me without manipulation and abuse, histrionics and drama-bound enmeshment.

Stay the course! And keep coming back here and sharing!

[Malini]

need2bme,

I agree, it's very difficult to find healing whilst in contact. I think that's why many of us ask for some space to work on these issues, often in the hope that we can then re-engage on a healthier level with the PDs we are struggling with.

It's not always easy to reclaim the power over our own lives, but your courage and focus are so clear in your post. Small but definite steps as you take responsibility for your happiness. It's so much harder when there is such close proximity and many shared areas like church or other activities and you seem to have a great handle on it.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life complaining about the horrific abuse I suffered.  I want to find forgiveness (that does not mean a relationship...just forgiveness) for my m...to accept that she has a sickness that I can not control and honestly, she can not control.  I think for me to find that would be a big step of breaking free of the prison I have been in.  There's no way I can find those things where I am because the abuse remains and the bitterness continues to grow.  I want freedom...true freedom from it all. 

These are such inspiring words and show true insight into where you're coming from and where you're headed.