Children of immigrants here?

[Pepin]

I realize I am going out on a limb here but are any of you children of first generation immigrants?  My father is an immigrant and both of my husband's parents are also immigrants.  I was listening to some podcasts about how often times immigrants stay about the same age that they are when they move from their home country.  (That would explain a lot).  They often stay stuck in the mentality (NF and inlaws 100% YES) of their native country -- even decades later they do not understand how much their former country has changed.  As children, until we become adults, we have no way of knowing what is correct about our heritage and often our culture is used against us to get us to remain loyal....which in itself is a form of abuse.  Both my childhood home and especially PDmil's home is trapped in a time warp.  Everything is wrapped up in a ball that makes it extremely confusing for children of immigrants to assimilate and feel comfortable.  Thoughts?

[KeepONKeepingON]

Hi Pepin,

My mother is an immigrant, but my father is not. My mother is from Germany and she was obsessive about making me do her housework and cooking for her throughout my childhood. I used to hear that if my siblings and I were German children, she could have a cream carpet, but because we were dirty Irish children she couldn't have a cream carpet!!!  So I guess she did use her cultural heritage to emotionally blackmail us.

I also thought she was a bit stricter as she is German, however, that may just have been her. I always knew she was a bit different, I used to put a lot of that down to her being a foreigner.

She grew up in Germany in the postwar period. Both her parents lived through the Second World War and I sometimes wonder if the trauma of that affected them and then the way they behaved to my mother. Her behaviour is pretty extreme and I think that she was pretty severely abused as a child.

She seems to hate her country of origin and seldom visits it.

My country was very conservative and when I was growing up, it was generally commented on that my mother was foreign.

[Pepin]

Yeah, that whole Post War mindset damaged a lot of people, including my father.  I am certain he went through some sort of emotional abuse himself...and he left his country and gave up citizenship there.  For as long as I could remember, my father complained about where we lived within the US.  He swore about it often and said how much he hated it.  For his line of work though, he was at the top and that is why we lived where we did.  He also ragged on his country of origin....but as he aged he changed his tune and started praising it.  It was confusing to me as a child to listen to him hate so much on where we lived.  Years ago I left home after he discarded me.  I live on the other side of the US and have failed to embrace where I live with my family.  My kids don't really care for it either...but we live here so DH can be close to PDmil. 

In hindsight, living close to PDmil was a mistake.  We should have positioned ourselves somewhere in the middle of where our respective families live.  But, DH is so ingrained with family loyalty that he can see no other way.  It has cost him some valuable job opportunities and sadly we could be retired now if we hadn't moved. 

Also, I feel that his cultural heritage has taken more of a presence than my own...although I am made up of many cultures and don't identify with just one.  His mother only sees her culture, hence the time warp.  I have had a really hard time understanding what happened between her immigrating to the US and then what happened afterwards.  For immigrants there is a desire to assimilate and embrace their new home.  And I think to an extent, PDmil did do some of that -- and there is no doubt in my mind that DH and his siblings helped her along.  But from the time I have known her -- all her kids were getting married and moving on with their lives, starting families and moving -- that is when she started retreating into who she was long ago before immigrating.  It was as if to say: if I cannot have my children with me 24/7, I will go back to what I had.  It is almost like giving up everything that one would have worked so hard to embrace.  Hence, the time warp in their home and the way that PDmil lives. 

Years ago DH was able to get his parents to agree to some remodeling and it was like pulling teeth....but so necessary.  His parents squabbled to save a buck.  They refused to give up their ancient hardware on their kitchen sink...which is nothing of value.  The rest of the house is pretty run down including the roof and exterior.  Their house is now one of the saddest homes in the neighborhood...

The notion about growing, change and bettering oneself seems like such a foreign concept to PDmil.  Again, she may have embraced that when she was younger because her kids made her....but falling back into the past now seems like such a control move from her....to get sympathy, I guess.

[JustKat]

Both of my parents are immigrants. Actually, I am too (never really thought about it since I've lived in the US all my life).

I was born in Canada but my family moved to the states when I was a young child. Nmother was born in Canada. Her mother (my grandmother) was born in the UK and immigrated to Canada. My mother always insisted that she was British and tried to force "British culture" on me. I guess she didn't think it was very impressive to tell people we were from Canada, so she tried to present herself as a cultured English lady even though I don't think she had ever set foot on British soil.

My father was born in South Africa and moved to Canada as an adult, leaving his entire family behind. That's where he met and married my mother. I never learned why he left South Africa and never even knew the names of his family members. Nmother made it clear to us that we had only one family, and that was hers. I'll probably never know the reasons for my father leaving his family to relocate across the globe because Nmother wouldn't allow him to talk about his family or his hometown. I do think that his mother may have been a narcissist as he married one himself and lived with her craziness for 55 years as though it was normal behavior.

[frogjumpsout]

Thank you for this thread! Another child of immigrants here. My NM uses culture as an excuse..."In the Old Country, everyone hit their kids," kind of thing.

[Pepin]

I am glad now to have brought up this particular dynamic in some PD families.  Our family is biracial and as my teens grow older I cannot ignore this aspect of our lives -- and particularly as they are considered the 3rd generation.  I sense that a lot of 1st generation immigrants have been strict, focused on making a life for themselves, earning money and owning a home.  That can be very stressful....plus learning another language.  Cultural norms of their native country often don't align with their new country...and often times it can translate to bad behavior.

The 2nd generation like DH and I, are forced to succumb to what our parents only know and what we learn from our peers and environment.  We are allowed to be more creative with our endeavors though our parents pushed us hard to do things that they thought we should do...which bred a lot of resentment and misunderstanding.  It would never occur to me to turn to my children and yell: I did/sacrificed this all for you! -- the way many of the 2nd generation have heard.  Instead all we ask of the 3rd generation is: be safe and happy doing what you love, whatever that is. 

In looking back over my own past and how I was raised by NF, I am still confused about why he made life so difficult.  It all seems so pointless...and as a result he lost all of his children to NC.  My siblings and I all had roles and in DH's family it was the same.  I cannot imagine doing this to my children either.