How do you accept that others can not see the abuse?

[need2bme]

Curious as to how you all deal with it when those you know love you and support you can not see the abuse?  I received an email from a friend checking on me.  I had not gone to church last night because I was not ok and was mentally weak after church that morning.  She stated that my uNPDm had requested prayer for me.  I have had such a good day and felt much stronger.  Had worked on telling myself that others will not be able to see the depths of the abuse.  But just that simple statement triggered a flood of emotions.  Can they not see that it's a fake love?  I know the answer to that, I know that they can not see.  But how do I truly accept that?  These are people that I love dearly and I know love me.  I know that if the abuse was not invisible that they would go to war with me if needed.  It's so difficult to begin the healing process when I'm so easily triggered.   

[RavenLady]

Looking back, I can see how I did not see the abuse my friends were experiencing. It's not that I didn't believe them, it's that I couldn't understand. Probably, I couldn't afford to understand, because that raised uncomfortable questions about my own experience. No child wants to believe their parents are abusive. It hurts too much.

You've shared before that your NPDM has a leadership role in your church, so that will present another obstacle to people seeing the abuse even when they care about you. If I remember correctly, it took you a while to realize you were experiencing narcissistic abuse? Maybe allow that it could also take your friends a while to get caught up to speed, especially if they haven't lived through what you have?

Is it possible your friend really was just reaching out to try to be a good friend? Sure, your NPDM probably put her up to it, but that doesn't mean she would side with your M over you, as you've noted. Maybe she doesn't have the understanding right now but that doesn't mean she never can.

Regardless, I hope you are able to prioritize self-care rather than subjecting yourself to triggering situations when you are still finding your way through all this really hard stuff. Now is the time for cozy cups of tea and soothing music and tender touch, or whatever the equivalent is for you. Not more of NPDM's antics. I had to do something similar recently, where a situation I felt shouldn't be triggering still was, and I started losing sleep and losing ground until I promised myself I would protect myself from the things that are just too scary for my traumatized self right now. Not forever, but for now, while I'm working on my healing. I hope you will give yourself similar permission, no matter what flying monkeys or simply clueless friends bring your way.

Hang in there. It's a marathon, not a spring (unfortunately). Hugs!

[Starboard Song]

...just that simple statement triggered a flood of emotions.

Yep. It was a very simple statement. And the triggering is reasonable.

My wife and I are 3 1/2 years NC from her parents. For a good while, we could be easily triggered by the slightest statement. "Well, surely she doesn't mean all that. I am sure she loves you." It was easier for me, since it wasn't my parents. I'd deflect, and indicate that "it is certainly a tough challenge and we are working through it."

Cofronted with those lines from friends, family, neighbors and colleagues, I never felt that...

• Their statements were an attack or critique of me
• They needed to agree with me, or be in any way persuaded

I came to it from a relative position of power: I was not being mistreated by my own parents, and I didn't go through the emotional turmmoil of having to let go of my own parents. As strong as my trauma was and is, I didn't violate all the societal taboos my wife had to.

My wife no longer sees such statements as critiques, and she no longer feels a desire to persuade. If we got a report that her mother had said something sweet and loving at some family gathering, she'd say something like "well that's very nice improvement. I'm glad she is feeling somewhat better." If the informant encouraged us to write a letter saying we loved her too, she would deflect: "well, thanks. I'll seriously consider that. Thank you again for being so open with us."

My wife got to a position of power. For us, a position of power is not angry. It is not full of rage or hate or retribution. For us, it is full of acceptance, acquiescence, and hopes for peace for everybody involved. And when we felt that Radical Acceptance (see my signature for book reference), we felt less guilt. And without guilt, those feelings of being under attack, of being judged, of needing to persuade: they all dissipated.

We had very different paths. Our experiences were very different. Our lives had been very different. So we took lots and lots and lots of walks, hammering out the facts and emotions and tactics one day at a time.

I commend to you the top line of my signature: the books that were most important for us, all dedicated to self-care.

[Dinah-sore]

Wow, I totally understand how you feel. My mom does the same things too. Sometimes I get triggered, sometimes I can separate myself and not get triggered (recently, but for a while I was always triggered).

I really like what Starboard Song said about power. I think the times we feel the need to explain ourselves or get people to see is when we feel powerless. I think of a little kid at school who is desperate to get the teacher to see his side of the conflict. Like our safety and peace is dependent on other people validating our reality. But the truth is, as adults we don't answer to others and we can let it go.

I think Starboard Song's wife came to a place of healing, where she doesn't feel powerless or at anyone's mercy. I know for me, I always felt small, like a little kid. I always felt like I needed permission for everything. So I wanted people to tell me I had permission to think my BPDm is hurtful or I needed their permission to not call her. ETC.  As I am in the long process of healing, I remind myself that I don't need anyone to believe me, because I don't need their permission.

I do need to vent however, or sometimes just tell a friend what BPDm did. I don't know about you, but in our church group if I told people about my mom they would think it is gossip. So it is hard for me to have someone to talk to. That is why this forum is vital for my healing journey.

[need2bme]

I always felt small, like a little kid. I always felt like I needed permission for everything. So I wanted people to tell me I had permission to think my BPDm is hurtful or I needed their permission to not call her. ETC. 

I sure get that!  I've always felt like a 5-year-old and hated that 'fact' (a misinterpreted fact), that most people made me feel like a 5-year-old.  I did not recognize that it was the way my brain was programmed to think that way.  I no longer have to stay there and am in the process of re-programming my brain to recognize I'm a grown woman and I am able to make my own decisions.  But, I totally get the thinking that I needed someone to give me permission to think that uNPDm has abused me.  Thankfully, I have had quite a few friends that have given me enough assurance that I've been able to come to the acceptance that it actually happened.  I'm not sure I could have gotten to that point without it.  Now, I have to begin to make my own decision...based on the facts that I have come to accept.  I have to learn how to operate separately from other's feelings, emotions, and beliefs. 

Thank you all for your responses.  It amazes me how people I have never met have made this journey seem possible.