Difficulty finding direction

[eternallystuck]

Wasn't sure where to post this

But I was just examining how I've got to where I am & realised that my life seems to have been fuelled off the premise of escape/survival up to now

Did anyone feel like this in their younger days & find a way out? What did you do to find a sense of direction again?

I feel like I've spent so much time trying to 'cope' & just about pass that test, just about endure that hysterical pd episode that I haven't really had the clarity to sit & think what direction I want my life to go in, except for being one where pd foo are miles away ofc.

For example, when I joined uni, that was most definitely an escape route more than anything. I picked a course I kind of had an interest in but didn't have a clue whether that career was for me, I later realised it isn't as its high pressure.  I didn't sit & think, am I mentally well enough to commit to this? It once again led me down a road that led to more confusion

30 is getting closer & closer year on year & im obviously aware there are less excuses now but I just feel a little lost. Pd stuff seems to have consumed so much of my life that I don't really know who I am trying to be outside of it

[RavenLady]

eternallystuck, it is okay to feel unsure. It is okay to be "late" or behind the schedule that works for other people. Other people aren't living your life. It is okay to have to change course again, and again, and again. In fact, you owe it to yourself to change course when you get new information that indicates changing course would be wise. You don't need to apologize to anyone for any of these things. It's your life.

I had to make radical course corrections several times as I got new information about how to live a healthy, happy life. Now, with a new understanding of PD, I am going to have to do it again. UGH. It's a lot of work to grow. But I promised myself I would live a fact-based reality and welcome insights as I went along, rather than the toxic FOO thinking that would keep me trapped in dysfunction, away from following my own heart but closer to FOO.

I completely relate to feeling like I was just coping and stuck in escape/survival mode. I think that's where I've been for for much of four decades. I was in flight mode, which I only just learned can manifest as workaholism, my particular addiction. That's a way to direct all the anxiety that comes from not being comforted and consoled by our parents when we needed that as little kids. I was fleeing a bad situation and all the emotional baggage that it gave me, running and running and running myself away from all that and into the ground. Afraid to pause and sit with the overwhelming feeling of shame that the abuse planted in me. It's one of several ways adult children reliably respond to the trauma of emotional abandonment and other forms of abuse that shape our souls. You can read about it in books like Pete Walker's "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" and Gabor Mate's "When the Body Says No." Walker describes other trauma responses as Freeze, Fight and Fawn. Flight is just one of the menu of options.

So don't blame yourself for feeling like you are "just" surviving. Surviving is excellent. Surviving is important. Escaping the abuse, both by exiting the scene and healing the trauma it creates, is an entirely worthwhile project. It is okay if it takes you the rest of your life. If you learn self-compassion, it will help you achieve other things at the same time and make the journey more enjoyable, and probably shorter. Or so I'm told. Self-compassion is my current project.

So...be kind to you. You deserve it. Allow yourself to use whatever creative solutions you must to meet your goals regardless of whatever roadblocks your PD FOO may put up in your way. Take detours wherever you must to avoid getting trapped and stuck. If you are still locked in escape/survival/flight mode, use it as fuel to get you out and into a safer emotional space so your true healing can begin. I can tell that's where you are headed. Maybe not as quickly as you'd like, but keep at it and you will get there in time. Because your time is yours.

[Dinah-sore]

 

Dear EternallyStuck, I totally get it. I now realize that I married too young, but it got me out of that environment! Of course, my DH and I have some issues, because I was attracted to people who put me down and needed my life to revolve around them, but he is still much better than BPDm.

You are still very young <3 And you are healing! Celebrate that for one moment!!! I didn't see the abuse until my 40's!!!!!! But you see it, and you are here working on it, and RavenLady wrote such encouraging words to you and recommended some great books.

Right now you have a chance to start fresh. The direction you have gone will not be wasted, you have learned a lot pursuing this degree, and if you change your major it is just more enrichment. Nothing is wasted. I have a degree that I am not currently using, but I did use it for a few years and the workload was too much, even though I loved that career. I can always go back when my life is less hectic, but right now I am in my 40's and I am exploring other paths that I am excited about. I am thinking of going back to school to pursue a career that is more of an artistic hobby, but can be a job as well. In my head I hear my BPDm telling me that I can't do it, that I am not healthy enough, that I am too busy, that it is foolish, that I wouldn't be good at it, that I will fail---that is hard to combat. But I want to live. I want new experiences. I want to give myself room to grow, to possibly fail, to learn from failure, and to keep going.

You are at a time in your life when you can make choices that will bring you peace, security, happiness, fulfillment and joy. Don't be afraid to reroute. LIVE. Follow that inner voice, and honor what your gut is telling you. But like RavenLady said, "So...be kind to you. You deserve it. Allow yourself to use whatever creative solutions you must to meet your goals regardless of whatever roadblocks your PD FOO may put up in your way. Take detours wherever you must to avoid getting trapped and stuck. If you are still locked in escape/survival/flight mode, use it as fuel to get you out and into a safer emotional space so your true healing can begin. I can tell that's where you are headed. Maybe not as quickly as you'd like, but keep at it and you will get there in time. Because your time is yours."

<3 Best Wishes