Another Day Another Hoover

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Satya

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Another Day Another Hoover
« on: January 28, 2019, 11:01:46 PM »
My stbx keeps escalating his attempts to contact me. He has used ten different phone numbers now. I get a text at least twice a week. Though I wonder if heís sending more since I keep blocking the numbers. He sends me strange messages. Some of them talking about the weather. Some of them are screen shots of old love notes I sent him. Others have been telling me extreme worrisome things about his coworkers. I think trying to bait me to reply. He also sent me a photo book with our ďlove storyĒ in it. Iím getting better about not letting these things get under my skin. But today he sent me a few messages and an email asking me if Iím okay because he got a call from an intensive care unit. And he wants to make sure Iím okay. And that they wouldnít tell him anything. Part of me knows this is bull. And Iím like okay good, maybe heíll think Iím dead and leave me alone LMAO. But thereís also a part of me that feels bad for not replying. And also worried that if I donít he might show up at my place to ďcheck on me.Ē

What should I do?

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sad_dog_mommy

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Re: Another Day Another Hoover
« Reply #1 on: January 29, 2019, 12:24:12 PM »
All of the things he is doing are a sad attempt to get your attention.  He is trying to remind you of the love you felt.  He is trying to look concerned (intensive care ruse).  He is trying to draw you in with intrigue (co-worker story).   He is going to try anything to get you to acknowledge him.  whack-a-mole :)

I have a friend who has a funny way of replying to unwanted texts.  She tried online dating for a while and when someone she isn't interested in sends her a text her she sends this:

96000966 AT&T Error Msg:  Please resend using a valid 10 digit mobile number or valid short code.  Message delivery failed.  Further messages will be charged to your account.

Stay strong and continue to ignore him.  If it gets to be too much you might have to change your number. 
Sometimes you donít realize youíre actually drowning when you are trying to be everyone elseís anchor.   

Not all storms come to disrupt your life, some come to clear your path.

Unconditional love doesn't mean you have to unconditionally accept bad behavior.

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Satya

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Re: Another Day Another Hoover
« Reply #2 on: January 29, 2019, 01:02:54 PM »
sad_dog_mommy whack a mole indeed!

That is too funny about your friend! Not a bad idea!

My stbx ended up contacting my family. My mom said he seemed really concerned about me. And idk I just donít see why an ICU would call someone and then not give them any info. That makes no sense.

Maybe once I actually file for divorce, heíll get the picture.

I feel like everything heís doing is a way of telling me my boundaries donít matter, what I want doesnít matter. It was the same way when we were together. So Iím not really surprised. But itís getting really old.

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Findingmyvoice

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Re: Another Day Another Hoover
« Reply #3 on: January 29, 2019, 04:10:22 PM »
It will eventually subside.
I just ignored the messages.  When she contacted family and friends asking them to help us get back together I just explained the situation and reasons why we were not getting back together, then I asked them to not reply to her.  I didn't want them giving her the wrong message.  I had one person tell her "just wait, I'm sure he will change his mind" and I think this gave her hope and encouraged her to keep trying.

The last time I got a weird sentimental message from her I said. "I'm not sure why you are sending me this. I am moving on from our relationship"
She replied back that she sent it to me so that I could get over my anger and hate towards her.
I knew that I would get a reply like that, but she needs a consistent message that these tactics aren't going to work.

Another good reply that I have heard is "my feelings towards you have changed. I am not interested in pursuing a relationship with you"
It avoids blaming and lets him know that his attempts are not getting anywhere.
Early on when i was asking for separation she would respond with "I don't care, I'm so over you" or "if you don't like it you can leave" or "when I divorce your ass" or something similar to make it seem like she wasn't trying to get me back when her attempts failed.
Eventually I did leave because I could not have any sort of productive conversation with her about it.

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Satya

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Re: Another Day Another Hoover
« Reply #4 on: January 29, 2019, 04:37:11 PM »
I am still reeling from what just happened and need to talk about it.

My stbx showed up at my apartment door today. He claimed that he was here to celebrate my birthday (which is this Thursday) and bring me gifts and take me out to eat. I told him I didnít want to go anywhere with him and that I wanted him to leave. He refused and continued pounding on the door. I told him if he didnít leave, I would call the cops. So he went to his car, and I thought he was leaving. Then he came back a minute later, claiming that his car wouldnít open. He was freezing and he needed to come in to warm up. I refused to let him in. And he refused to leave. He was pissed and kept saying I was being petty and immature. He kept banging on the door. When I didnít respond to his anger, he started crying. Still wouldnít leave. So I called the cops. When they came and asked him to leave, lo and behold, he was able to get into his car. This man is scaring the crap out of me. Heís making up lies to try and get what he wants from me. I talked to the cop about filing an order of protection. And I was crying. This all feels so surreal. How is this the same person I went to my freshman homecoming with?

I just want to feel safe in my home. Safe in my own body. I feel so much anger and hatred toward him right now. He was supposed to love me. And I feel like he tricked me into believing he was someone he wasnít. And now Iím having to protect myself from him. I just feel so devastated.

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sad_dog_mommy

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Re: Another Day Another Hoover
« Reply #5 on: January 29, 2019, 05:20:13 PM »
Oh my gosh!   What a scary experience!  I am proud of you for sticking to your guns and not letting him into your apartment.  And for calling the police!  I can only imagine how scary that was.  I hope they took a statement from you.  Hopefully now he knows you will call the police if he were to bother you again and that will make him stay away.

Please don't beat yourself up.  He has a mental illness and you cannot control how he chooses to behave.  You took a stand for yourself because you know you deserve a life without manipulation and strife.

Hold your head high and be proud of yourself.  ((( hug )))
Sometimes you donít realize youíre actually drowning when you are trying to be everyone elseís anchor.   

Not all storms come to disrupt your life, some come to clear your path.

Unconditional love doesn't mean you have to unconditionally accept bad behavior.

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Spygirl

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Re: Another Day Another Hoover
« Reply #6 on: January 30, 2019, 01:17:05 AM »
You re doing the safe, smart things, even tho it's tough and painful. I have been here too. I also wonder how i put up with it, howni didnt see it before. I know know how i was slowly conditioned, like a darn dog to it.
To have no expections of him
To resign myself to his will or suffer the consequences
To be so incredibly grateful for ANY validation or tiny show of affection

I finally got past the anger stage recently. I am currently being financially manipulated. I was expecting it. Getting ready to play his game against him shortly.

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Satya

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Re: Another Day Another Hoover
« Reply #7 on: January 31, 2019, 12:59:47 PM »
Thank you so much! I feel like I really proved something to myself by keeping myself safe. Even though I was scared, I was brave and I feel really proud of myself. I really hope he will leave me alone now. In order to file an order of protection, I will have to go to court and pay court fees and even then, it wonít keep him from coming here or calling/texting. It just means the cops can come arrest him if he does. So Iím not sure. Iím going to call the helpline in my city to get more info and see what my options are.

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guitarman

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Re: Another Day Another Hoover
« Reply #8 on: February 10, 2019, 09:11:26 AM »
You've done so well not to open the door to him. Well done!! He will continue to try and get what he wants. He will try ANYTHING.

It must have been very tempting to open the door. He is playing on your kindness, generosity and empathy to get access to you. That is because you are a kind, generous and empathetic person.

He reminds me of my uBPD/uNPD sister. She's said similar things to me such as that she has no money and will have to go through rubbish bins at a supermarket to get left over out of date food to feed herself. She's also said that she'll have to become a prostitute to get money to feed herself. Also she threatens suicide because she says that no one in the family cares about her, because they have strong boundaries, so what's the point in living if she has no family. It's all emotional and psychological manipulation to get the target of abuse to feel sympathetic and to doubt their own ability to be sympathetic. How can I be a caring person if I don't help this person in distress and open the door to them? I know that I'm a kind, generous caring person. My sister knows that I am and tries to play on that. I have to have stronger boundaries and say no to abuse. I have to care about me first.

Be strong. Keep calm. You are doing so well. It's OK to be assertive and not be abused any more.

Best wishes

guitarman
"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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Satya

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Re: Another Day Another Hoover
« Reply #9 on: February 11, 2019, 08:04:20 PM »
Thanks guitar man!

He attempted to contact me a few more times even after all that.

But then I got a text message from his mom, which was basically accusing me of cheating on him and saying that I needed to confess my affair (when there wasnít one) and reconcile with my husband. Apparently heís been spreading all kinds of salacious lies about me, even to my own family too. Itís absolutely insane.

Anyway...I replied to his mom and told her that there was no affair and that I left because I felt unsafe in the marriage. I told her that her sonís behavior has been antagonistic and scary and that I am within my rights to get an order of protection. Also told her how inappropriate I thought it was for her to be texting me about this. (I felt like a total badass after sending it lol)

Havenít heard from any of them since :D



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Spygirl

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Re: Another Day Another Hoover
« Reply #10 on: February 12, 2019, 11:57:28 AM »
Satya

You rock!

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sad_dog_mommy

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Re: Another Day Another Hoover
« Reply #11 on: February 12, 2019, 01:38:40 PM »
 :banana:
:cheer:
 :yourock:
Sometimes you donít realize youíre actually drowning when you are trying to be everyone elseís anchor.   

Not all storms come to disrupt your life, some come to clear your path.

Unconditional love doesn't mean you have to unconditionally accept bad behavior.

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guitarman

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Re: Another Day Another Hoover
« Reply #12 on: February 14, 2019, 11:39:36 PM »
It's the Circle of Abuse where the abuser turns everything around to become the victim, making false allegations and starting smear campaigns. They can be SO believable and great actors. His mother has become a "flying monkey" doing what he wants her to do.

X
"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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Satya

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Re: Another Day Another Hoover
« Reply #13 on: February 15, 2019, 07:48:51 PM »
Thanks everyone! :)
I havenít filed for divorce yet. I plan to, but Iím afraid that doing so might trigger more hoovering.



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KFel024

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Re: Another Day Another Hoover
« Reply #14 on: February 16, 2019, 06:43:59 PM »
Dear Satya,

That sounds like a scary situation.  Please do your best to file for a protective order and to change both your phones and phone number/s.  Seems like your partner is stalking you and recruiting the proverbial flying monkeys to help their cause. 

Calling the police takes courage and kudos to you for taking measures to protect your own safety and wellbeing.  I wish I would have had the courage/mindset to do that with my npd partner. 

Also, if necessary, move.  Do whatever it takes to preserve both your safety and sanity.