Dating / Attraction weirdness

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CoffeeCup2

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Dating / Attraction weirdness
« on: January 29, 2019, 07:10:53 PM »
Clearly Iíve been out of the game for a long time, AND had a 7 year relationship with uNPDx. That says it all.

Back in the day, I was confident and outgoing and welcomed the opposite sex that was attracted to me. Now I feel all weird.

Long story short, someone is attracted to me. Very nice man. Am I interested in dating him?  Iím not interested in dating anyone right now. What I am open to is meeting new people and getting to know them. I do NOT want the expectation of making anything serious right from the start.

But my mind automatically goes to - if you go out for dinner with someone, that means you are super interested and want to date them and rush into things (aka uNPDx). To be honest, thatís what I wanted when I first met uNPDx, but he made me feel like such an immature idiot for just casually wanting to hang out with him and get to know him. I had no intention of seriousness.

Now Iím worried when I say Iíd be totally up to meeting someone for drinks. I donít want it to seem like Iím ready for something serious. I feel like Iím giving the impression that Iím ready to totally make things long term.

I donít know how to ďdateĒ. I donít even know what that means.

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hhaw

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Re: Dating / Attraction weirdness
« Reply #1 on: January 30, 2019, 12:49:17 AM »
Maybe start with coffee?

Drinks might be too much, esp if you're not sure you're interested at all in the guy, IMO.   I can imagine a cup of coffee is less awkward to end, than an unwanted kiss at the door after 4 drinks, kwim? 

IF you meet with him, try to stay in curious observer mode.  IS he interested in your thoughts?  Does he ask questions about your life?  Does he seek out your opinion, and discuss it with interest.... or is he just waiting for another chance to speak again?

Does he SEE you?  Is he using you as a sounding board? Is he enjoying how YOU make HIM feel? 

Does he get your sense of humor?  Does he HAVE a sense of humor? 

Does being around him feel heavy, or light?

Please please please listen to your intuition.  Don't let your head talk you out of honoring yourself, as priority. 

Good luck,
hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

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Associate of Daniel

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Re: Dating / Attraction weirdness
« Reply #2 on: January 30, 2019, 02:05:39 AM »
I have a different take on dating.

A summary would be - get to know him first in group situations. Lots of them. Over several months.

If you then feel you would like to get to know him more, start dating him, and him alone. You may work out after a few dates that it's not the right match/time, in which case don't date him anymore.

If after several months of dating you feel the relationship is a goer, commit to it as though you're heading towards marriage.

I think about the end game first. I personally don't want relationship with a man unless it's likely to end in marriage.  I think it's difficult for a man and woman to be "friends" without one or both of them actually wanting more. Just my observation and opinion.

Debra Fileta talks of the 4 seasons of relationships. I think she makes a lot of sense.

With where I'm currently at re men/marriage/relationships, I think you're very brave!

And I'm glad you've found someone who seems interested in you.

All the best.

AOD

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CoffeeCup2

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Re: Dating / Attraction weirdness
« Reply #3 on: January 30, 2019, 08:07:47 AM »
Great perspectives! 

As Iíve been getting out and meeting people, I am starting to be able to tell if Iím feeling light and airy, or if the conversation is a massive struggle.

With respect to the end game in mind, I think I sort of have that as well, itís just that I am definitely not in any rush.

I honestly never realized how terribly wrong uNPDx was with his approach. I now know he did not want a relationship with me, as he so brazenly tried to put it. He rushed things not for me, but for his own personal gain (mostly to fill a void, to have someone to listen to his crap, and to get back at his ex wife).  His approach was not normal and a major red flag.

My intuition right now says - keep going the way you are going. Have fun. Enjoy life. Do things you want to do. Dating isnít in the cards right now. Meeting new people is fun and exciting, and does NOT mean Iím looking to make things super serious in two weeks.

Itís funny - one of the last comments uNPDx said to me was that I was immature and not ready for a real adult relationship  :blink: 

Thankfully, I will meet people who arenít like him, and if they are, Iíll know a lot sooner.


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hhaw

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Re: Dating / Attraction weirdness
« Reply #4 on: January 30, 2019, 11:27:02 PM »
TWO red flags to look for....

if a man tries to turn your NO into a YES....
BIG RED FLAG.

If you state a boundary, and he crosses it....
BIG RED FLAG WAVING THE MESSAGE.... don't make the FIRST excuse for this guy's bad behavior.  If he steps over a line, state a boundary around it, state the consequence for failure.... ie  "If you cross this boundary again, I'll know you aren't interested in a relationship with me, and this will end."

Again, don't make the first excuse.  That's the slippery slope that leads to misery, IME.

hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

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dreamtree

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Re: Dating / Attraction weirdness
« Reply #5 on: January 31, 2019, 12:49:13 PM »
Clearly Iíve been out of the game for a long time, AND had a 7 year relationship with uNPDx. That says it all.

Back in the day, I was confident and outgoing and welcomed the opposite sex that was attracted to me. Now I feel all weird.

Long story short, someone is attracted to me. Very nice man. Am I interested in dating him?  Iím not interested in dating anyone right now. What I am open to is meeting new people and getting to know them. I do NOT want the expectation of making anything serious right from the start.

But my mind automatically goes to - if you go out for dinner with someone, that means you are super interested and want to date them and rush into things (aka uNPDx). To be honest, thatís what I wanted when I first met uNPDx, but he made me feel like such an immature idiot for just casually wanting to hang out with him and get to know him. I had no intention of seriousness.

Now Iím worried when I say Iíd be totally up to meeting someone for drinks. I donít want it to seem like Iím ready for something serious. I feel like Iím giving the impression that Iím ready to totally make things long term.

I donít know how to ďdateĒ. I donít even know what that means.

You dont need to let other people define what a date is, and you also dont really need to define it for yourself. A date at its most basic is an agreed upon time to meet. THats it. Playdates with kids are agreed upon times to get the kids together.

You are not obligated to know what a person might think a coffee meetup means, for example.

Just do what you feel like doing and dont do what you dont feel like doing. If you are a group activities kind of person (Im not) then do that. Maybe meetup.com- (its not a dating site).

Its also ok to have conflict about wanting to want a relationship someday but just not feeling it right now. But there doesnt need to be conflict if you accept that its normal to be ambivalent.

Im remarried and never dated between the ex and my second husband. I just met my future husband and that was that. We both were very clear on what we wanted for our futures and they matched. We had both done the PD shuffle and knew the relationship we really wanted was possible. But of course then we had to prove we werent just imagining it. We weren't!

With the right person, in my experience, it all falls into place. Trust issues melt away. Its entirely possible, though at my lowest point I would not have believed it either.

If you find yourself having to be all concerned with how the other person is seeing you, its probably just too soon. Thats ok!

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newlife33

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Re: Dating / Attraction weirdness
« Reply #6 on: January 31, 2019, 03:42:12 PM »
Just want to say you are brave and very self aware and healthy for being honest with yourself about how you feel.  I don't have any advice because I am currently single and not dating, but it seems like you are on a good path and will figure things out soon with time and the advice of others.

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Sandrager

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Re: Dating / Attraction weirdness
« Reply #7 on: February 01, 2019, 06:56:14 PM »
fyi from a guy's perspective better to stay to afternoon times and coffee it will mean even less and no nopes of going anywhere

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Oh+

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Re: Dating / Attraction weirdness
« Reply #8 on: February 02, 2019, 05:41:07 PM »
The word ‘date’ bothers me too. IMO It’s all the conditioning thoughts that come up from other peoples stories or possibly projections I am imposing or feeling from the one I am with. I tend to let go of this rather quickly and surrender to the facts/intentions in front of me. Your intentions are to have fun and enjoy life, meeting new people — knowing what you want and being aware is a good beginning  :  )

About letting things swell like an ocean wave.

Instead of date — I am calling it a ‘swell: attracted to someone on various levels and willing to see what happens with the mix of both of us. ‘Swelling’ is not a lifelong commitment, more like a show of respect for what is. So, what is unspoken is spoken, I explain to the one I am with — this is about being together, building on something that feels good, then ask, what they feel and think. Of course things will ‘swell’; I talk about it, as emotions, behaviors arise, asking questions, making an effort to understand where he/she is coming from. There is no right way, only your way with this person. You make what you want to have together. I have always felt weird in this ‘swelling’’ —- as I became more comfortable with the weird feeling I noticed that the ones who didn’t stay were the ones that needed to go (this works both ways) — and the ones that stayed, well we were comfortably weird together.

Everything above +  PD experience in mind:

I am more discerning. Questioning where I am and what I am ready for when ‘swelling’ happens. It does happen, as you meet new people — I like to talk about attraction openly to relieve the tension so we can be together, I enjoy building friendships. The ones who need something different leave — it feels good to hold ones ground and to accept where others are. It’s a win-win. Being single and meeting new people is a refreshing place to be in. I like it.





« Last Edit: February 02, 2019, 06:27:30 PM by Oh+ »

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Spygirl

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Re: Dating / Attraction weirdness
« Reply #9 on: February 11, 2019, 05:50:09 PM »
What a nice way to describe things. You sound great!

I dont know if or when i will be in a safe feeling place to do that, but you give me hope.