uPDm and uPDh fighting

[Blackbird11]

Hi everyone - I'm new to this board but have been posting about my uPDh on others. I have always suspected my mom was a uPD, but I never really was sure until i got to Out of the FOG. In short: mom has always had a very short temper, unpredictable moods, and very difficult to have conversations with (she doesn't listen to me but mostly talks at me...which is the dynamic I also married into - story explained on other posts).

I had always attributed it to some trauma she had experienced earlier in life, but it just seems like the traumatic experience exacerbated the existing PD. My parents got divorved when I was young, but mom retained primary custody. She did the best she could - but she was never emotionally there for me. I'm not knocking her for it. I understand why, and I appreciate that she kept a roof over my head, paid the bills on time and we had food to eat. Other than her erratic behavior, everything else was stable. Surprisingly, she has always been able to keep jobs, but she must have figured out an operating mode for them that she definitely switched out of by the time she got home. She always would have issues with certain coworkers, however. Somehow she always escaped any type of disciplinary action as a result of these altercations (always verbal arguments - but she would go from 0-60 if someone pissed her off). Anyway, that's mom. Our relationship improved significantly when I was able to move out on my own after college. She calmed down a lot, I was able to support myself and could put up boundaries with her, and things got a little easier. But she still has her moments.

I'm married to someone who i now realize has a uPD. And he and my mom have clashed many times in the past. To his credit, he has usually always apologized to her and tried to make things right between them. They recently had an argument that he refuses to apologize for. I won't go into details, but witnessing this argument after realizing they are both PDs was interesting. They both overreacted. Mom decided to say some very mean things to husband, and then she stormed out of our house. She eventually sent him an apology message, but he never responded. I figured she would've forgot about it by now.

She is now sending me messages to let me know that it's been about a month and he hasn't apologized yet. She is still upset with him and said that he verbally abused her (he did not - I was there.) I am just in a place where I'm trying to keep my sanity together for my kid and my job, while I also try to figure out how to stay out of bankruptcy court and if I want to stay married.

My instinct is to not respond to these messages and to go medium chill next time I talk to her, if she brings it up. I don't have the energy to manage her anymore. And that's what I've always had to do - make excuses for her, interject if I think she is going to do or say something inappropriate, listen to her verbal and emotional abuse towards me, refereee situations between her and my H. I'm friggin tired.

Anyway, I'm going to read through these boards as I'm new to the parent section. Sorry we have to be here but nice to meet you. Glad to know I'm not alone.

[11JB68]

Blackbird, not sure I have advice right now, but I experienced this myself LONG before coming Out of the FOG.
I almost left uPDh at that time. Went to a therapist. Therapist 'diagnosed' my m as uBPd which was eye opening. I went NC with uPDm.
Stayed with uPDh, and now (15 years?) later I sort of wish I had left back then. It hasn't really gotten better with him.
But at the time feeling stuck between the two of them, torn, was more than I could bear. I truly did love both of them. It was so painful.
Plus our DS was being used by BOTH of them as sort of a pawn and that was awful too.
In the end I guess it had to be NC with at least one, and I chose uPDm at the time. In fact, I did that prior to almost leaving uPDh. When I got the urge to leave him I knew I would NOT go running to uPDm. It was going to be the end with both of them.
I'm not saying you should do any of that. Just sharing my experience in case it helps.

[RavenLady]

Hi Blackbird11. Sorry about your situation. Being stuck in the middle of 2 PDs sounds like no fun at all. I don't know what I would do, but I bet others here will.

I wanted to respond to your description of how your M raised you. Glad she provided for your physical needs, but it turns out our emotional needs are at least as important. So please don't minimize the impact on you of having a single parent with an "erratic" disposition. It can be hard to spot this impacts of this when we are in the middle of it -- I didn't, for decades. In my case, emotional neglect and abuse turned out to be a really big deal for my development and ultimately I'm realizing was a major factor in development of C-PTSD and chronic illness. Maybe you had your needs met elsewhere, but still, as a child, you needed a parent or other caretaker who could be a comforting, guiding, nurturing presence to usher you into adulthood. I'm sorry you didn't receive that. You deserved better.

[Blackbird11]

Thank you RavenLady.  I did have one emotionally stable/available parent (dad) - he wasn't perfect but he's probably the reason I was able to somewhat survive without any major issues that would have thrown my life completely off track. But I only saw him on visits a few times per week. At least I can take a different approach with my kid - I'm a new parent and my method so far is to ensure I tell my baby that I love them at least 100 times a day, and to hug them and be there for them in the way nobody was really there for me. I'll back off a little as they get older (I don't want to set them up for therapy by going too far in the other direction -  smothering them!)  but honestly it's the love I didn't get during those crucial, formative years. It's therapeutic in a way.

And thanks 11JB68 - right now I'm detaching with love from my M, especially now as I'm in the midst of tension with H, but honestly she seems to be sliding back into how she was when I was a kid (she had some
major life changes recently - so not surprising this is coming up). At the moment I'm trying to be there for her as much as I can, but I sense I actually might have to do some NC with her if she continues to try and emotionally/verbally abuse me. She's unpredictable - as they all are. She has been through some horrific stuff though - so I do have compassion for her. Have you ever heard that quote "don't set yourself on fire to keep somebody else warm?" Im starting to feel like everyone's fire, and something has to give.