How to navigate serious/emotional conversations with PD spouse?

[11JB68]

Putting this one here, though I don't really feel like I'm 'committed to working on it' as spouse is undiagnosed and has NO IDEA that I'm working on it.
This is a serious question for me though. For now anyway, I am with my spouse, and while I'm 'ready' to leave if I must, I feel that the financial and emotional upheaval for all involved (self, uPDh, DS21-still in school with loans we've committed to helping with etc) would outweigh the benefits of leaving.
I have been 'mastering' medium chill and it really seems to help. I really try to keep all conversations light, to a minimum, offer very vague responses to uPDh's requests for info or guidance, etc.
HOWEVER, IF I am staying - even for the foreseeable future, there are SOME THINGS that I MUST discuss with him as they affect both of us OR our entire little 3 person family.
e.g. I tried to broach a subject re: DS possibly doing a summer internship. That was met with lots of emotion on uPDh's part (catastrophising, etc) and him telling me I 'brought it up at a bad time', followed by 'WHY don't you tell me things??' (gee....I wonder why...)
I really do think and think before approaching him as just about anything can set him off.
e.g. he has some health issues that I feel could be quite serious. Also - they impact our ability to do fun things as a couple/family as well as limit his ability to help out AT ALL around the house. However, the last time I advised him to see a Dr about a health issue, he catastrophised, saying 'I tell you something and you think I'm DYING!!!' (nope. Just said gee that's a bad rash, you should see a dr). He hates drs., won't go, etc.
Now - I have some other stuff to discuss with him...e.g. HE is the 'financial genius' in our family and pretty much controls the money. I admit I have little skill or interest at figuring out spreadsheets, interest rates, etc. I feel (esp given his health, and DS near the end of his college career) that our home is too large and too much work for me. I want to ask him to start to run some #s/options re: selling, buying a condo or renting, etc. some projections as to when/how we should/could do this.
However - he tends to want to bury his head in the sand and anything that raises 'issues' for him becomes stressful/a fight/etc. This will bring up for him issues around: money, DS leaving home, us getting 'old', needing to purge all of his hoarded 'stuff', etc. I KNOW that even though it shouldn't be a heavy emotional topic it will become so for him. YET this is just the kind of thing that HE can 'help' with and have some expertise on.
SO- HOW do I approach this, handle this, without triggering him??
He would wait until it's

[Poison Ivy]

You have my sympathy.  I'm now divorced.  One factor that contributed to my marriage breaking down was the great difficulty of talking to my ex.  He actually said once how hard it was for him to think about money (I think because he, like me, was worried about money, given that he was unemployed (by choice) for many years).  My response was that I didn't like thinking or talking about it either, but I did both because they come with the territory of being a responsible adult. 
Yeah, so saying that to your husband probably isn't a good idea. But I did want you to know that I can relate to your situation.

[11JB68]

Poison ivy, thx. Good to know I'm not the only one dealing with this. Any of the big stuff he doesn't want to deal until it's almost too late. Never thought about howmuch college might cost in2016...until our first tour, then he freaked out. Refuses to consider that we should take out more life insurance on me since I now make more than him. On and on. Yes it's love to say something like that to him, but yeah, unless I'm ready to walk out the door it's not advisable...def not medium chill...

[Blackbird11]

Honestly I'm on the fence with my uPDh right now, but even before Out of the FOG I had said to my T that I could probably forgive the abuse over time, but if he continues to be financially irresponsible and to evade financial and other important conversations, I would end it. I took a stand on finances over the past few months and he has fallen in line, but I can't confer with him about plans or decisions because he lives in an alternate reality where even though we're on the verge of bankruptcy he thinks wealth and abundance are about to fall on top of his head. He told someone we know that we would consider going on an expensive vacation later this year as long as things turn around over the next 6 months. Our mess will take 5-10 years to turn around. I didn't say that to him, I just told him that this year it probably wasn't in the cards. I have a budget in place and was able to lower some expenses so now we are moving back into stable territory, but if he starts up with egregious spending and lying again (which he has done in the past) - that will be it. I wouldn't even think twice. I don't know why that would be my last straw over everything else I've been through. Good luck and stay strong! These are important conversations. We need to be able to have some version of them with our PDs, I think.

[vonmoot]

I don't have any great advice as I am in the middle of this, too, and we've been together for over 25 years.  Right now we have some financial stuff that really needs our attention, but having a conversation with the wife turns into "I'm good/you're bad" splitting stuff.  I think if it something that is important, we have to face, say it, and let the chips lie.  Easier said than done.  I used to think I was dealing with a true partner, but now I see I am dealing with a 3 year old.

We have a cup.  When that cups is full; we cannot put anything in it.

[11JB68]

Ok well wish me luck please. I did some more research on internships as ds had indicated he'd like to pursue it. I made a spreadsheet  :aaauuugh. As updh loves those. Made an 'appointment' with him for this afternoon, told him I'd like a half hour of his time for a presentation about internships. (God, so weird, but this is how to appeal to him)...nothing can ever just be a casual conversation. Last time his overriding emotion seemed to be around separation anxiety, which I really think comes from his lack of object constancy... Meanwhile 2 people at work have college kids staying out of state for the entire summer on internships. I have to keep reminding myself that that is normal...trying to keep your young adult kids at home with you is not, no matter how much you love and miss them. In fact it's because I love ds that I want what's best for him, not what's best for me... One of my selling points will be that the internships I found are in a nearby town, whereas if ds had his way he'd probably go much further away...
Fingers crossed this goes well and that I can maintain mc throughout...

[Poison Ivy]

Good luck!

[11JB68]

So first, uPDh completely forgot ('forgot'?) That we had planned top have this conversation. Wow. I had to remind him. His answer: "you can't elect me to remember things. It's your job to remind me." 
Talk went ok. I maintained mc. There was no drama. He is still 'stuck' with this though. And I know from experience that pushing gets me nowhere. Didn't want him to go away/live away, but doom and gloom about the complications of having him commute even a half hour...
Then does this thing that I can't label....where he comes up with some vague and completely unrealistic alternative that is completely unrealistic....Which gets us nowhere.
However he is open to talking about it again. Yeesh.

[HotCocoa]

You can't reason with unreasonable.
I used to go through this with my ex. 
If I said it the right way, made convincing arguments.
Laid out the facts.
None of it really worked and it kept me walking on eggshells dwelling on how I could get HIM to be reasonable.
Impossible task.  They are disordered.
One of the hardest things I had to accept.
My thoughts, your son is 21, commuting a 1/2 hr away is not so bad and he is a man now and he should just do it and go forward with his plans or
disordered husband WILL make up all kinds of excuses your son can't do something and in the end, your son may feel cheated out of an opportunity.
As far as talking to him again about it?  Nope.  Sounds like he wants you to beg him. 
You don't need his approval.  He just wants you to think that you do. 
I've been there and faced the ugly.  Keep moving forward in your life and have your son do the same.  Good luck.

[capybara]

Right now this is one of the hardest things about staying in my marriage. Any discussion about a topic he finds difficult is exhausting and frustrating. Right now it's about inviting my family over to our house for a meal. We've probably talked about it for 2 hours already!!

Some things that happen in these conversations:
1. He gives examples of him doing what I wanted in the past, and says I'm not doing as he requests.
2. He says I'm not compromising.
3. He says it's my job to come up with solutions.
4. He talks about his feelings SOOO MUCH but cuts me off when I try to talk about mine.
5. He says I'm being defensive.
6. He feels "abandoned" or gets angry if I end the discussion.

Really struggling. 

[11JB68]

Capybara, so sorry you're suffering with this. Yes, it can be important conversations, or even what should be a simple negotiation about what to do  on Saturday night....exhausting.

[GentleSoul]

You have my empathy, 11JB.  My husband is exactly like that.  He will not discuss anything or take part in any decisions regarding our marriage, home, bills, etc. Instead he will act out a behaviour to deflect or distract.  Or verbally attack me.

He just will not do it.  It is too exhausting for me to even try now.  I just run our home, make all the decisions and if he doesn't like them, tough!