PDs keeping jobs

[anxiousmom]

As most of you know, I have a court case coming up in which BPD ex's lawyer is going to stand there and tout his "2 years doing everything right" as if he's stable enough to get joint custody. About the ONLY thing that is true in this is that he has had the same job since about the time we divorced (a little over 2 years). Before then, he was job hopping every couple of years, although I don't feel he's had enough time to show job stability anyway as I don't think 2 years is that long for a grown a** man.

Anyway, it does raise an interesting question. Even at his worst, off his meds, craziest of the crazy throughout the last 2 years, he's somehow been able to be successful at his outside sales job. Now, he doesn't go in to the office because he works from home, but he's still hitting his numbers and makes good money. How has he been able to maintain this facade of stability when it comes to his job, even when he's cycled through manic and depressive phases in his personal life. Can anyone relate?

[Whiteheron]

Yes. My stbx has held the same job for ten years (a first!). I firmly believe this is because he controls his own schedule and is the one in charge (he's the big boss). He has been very successful despite two breakdowns and being diagnosed with a mental illness. I think it's because work is a distraction from all that's going on in his head - he buckles down, gives 110% focus to whatever problem and sets out to solve it. There is also massive supply when he solves whatever issue - he gets lots of credit. His professional life is thriving, his personal life is a colossal mess.

As far as I know, he's still taking his meds, hopefully at the correct dose. I think he'll continue to do this until after the divorce is over and he decides he doesn't need them anymore.

stbx has been doing 'everything right' to the best of his ability, yet the kids don't want more time with him (he has less than 50%). My L is going to argue that since the kids are doing so well (they're not - they actually want less time with him but won't tell anyone), there is no reason to change the custody schedule. No matter what his L comes up with. Hopefully this will work.

[anxiousmom]

I'm glad to see you say that because that was basically what I told my mom yesterday when we were discussing. I said he only has a certain amount of bandwidth and he will hyperfocus on something and ignore everything else. For my ex, he has chosen work. I also share the sentiment that it makes him feel validated, so he puts more energy into it. Either way, I would hope job stability wouldn't be a strong consideration if there is proof of mental instability during the same time period...

[athene1399]

 My SO's ex (uBPD) was at the same job for a few years before we met, but then she decided to switch professions and do what she went to school for. It's just not a good field for her and she's not been at the same place for more than a few months in the past 4 years. I think it has to be something that meshes well with their personality. She thinks this is the job for her, but she honestly cannot handle the pressure. Control could be a part of it too. BM is under a lot of scrutiny with the profession she is choosing, so I think she feels constantly criticized and she cannot handle it. And of course I'm speculating, but that's how it seems like. She blames everyone for her mistakes, doesn't understand why you can't tell your boss off if you don't like what they say... I think she would do better somewhere she can control her hours. At times she is like a hyperchondriac and misses a lot of work to go to the ER. Although the job she had before I met SO was in sales, so maybe the drive of succeeding and keeping up your sale numbers was enticing. I'm sure there's a lot of factors.