The Facade

[chowder]

How do you deal with someone with that personality trait where they're always "on"?  It's like a button they push, and the public persona comes to the forefront, and there doesn't seem to be any genuine interaction.  The same story lines come out, and there doesn't seem to be any scratching of the surface....and there is also veiled bragging and condescension.

I find myself just stepping back and observing, responding where appropriate, and doing a lot of listening.  When I try to contribute, the person takes over.  She'll even answer questions I put directly to her husband.   And he, of course, thinks she's wonderful.

Our visits are getting fewer and farther between, no surprise there.

[countrygirl]

Hi Chowder,

And thank you for your reply to my post about an N impressing other people! 

In fact, the person about whom you're posting reminds me of the N in my post.  I find that Ns are often "on," and often have to be the center of attention.  In your situation, the husband seems to be compliant.  I think you are wise just to sit back and observe, because you can't change an N.   

In public situations, my N had clearly prepared her act before the occasion.  In fact, she once asked my husband to tell her something about his avocation so that she could appear knowledgable about it.  She specified that she only wanted a sentence or two! 

If she ever met anyone I knew, she would rush up to them before me and loudly proclaim who she was, before I had a chance to make introductions.  Then she would start praising them to the skies.  Later, she might tell me that she didn't like them (because they were my friends, of course), but in front of them she acted as if they were voters and she was running for public office.   

I can so relate to what you said about their being on being "like a button they push" and about there not seeming "to be any genuine interaction."  You are wise to having so many visits. 

[Call Me Cordelia]

Sooo relatable. When I was figuring out my NMIL, we had a conversation that ended with her being all, "I'm so genuine and caring!" But she blew it by asking me for a t-shirt that has my artwork on it, to promote a local event. "Then I can say I'm supportive of my DIL's artwork." 

Then I changed the subject to actually talk about my art, and she barely responded and started looking at her phone. 

[chowder]

Hi, Countrygirl,

You're so very welcome.  Thank you for your supportive posts as well. 

Your story about them wanting to be prompted by a couple of sentences and they'll take it from there - wow.  What a self-serving setup.  "Tee me up so I can look good."  And then the false praise to their face, and saying something different to you later, are all red flags.  I then wonder what they might say about me to others that is different from how they act in my presence, and of course the guards go up....uh, trust you?  I don't think so.   

This public persona thing drives me crazy, maybe because I lived with it.  "It's all about me."  How about listening to others and being open to them and learning about them, not having to impress.

I'm beginning to think you and I are twins from different mothers.  lol

Cordelia, that sounds like a similar situation of "set me up so I can look good."  And then the bragging about how caring she is - obviously, she wasn't, and her phone was more important when the viewing public wasn't around.

Reminds me of my mother.  She would drop little comments about my successful (now no-contact) sibling that would reveal how much money and material things they had, and then she'd brag about how she didn't brag about their success.  She was almost tee-hee about it, "Oh, did that slip out?"  It was sad to watch at times.  It just showed me what *not* to be all about. 

I've come to conclude, when someone comments about them being caring and genuine - if they have to say it, then it ain't so.

[JenniferSmith]

Its not to the level of a PD, but in a civic group I belong to, there is a man who always needs to have a lot of attention.  In his case, he is a recovered alcoholic (very open about it), most likely untreated ADHD, and also extremely extroverted. He is constantly joking around, and is honestly quite funny.  Its like he just can't help himself and is constantly hamming it up and talking with everyone. Much like the personality of a stand-up comic.  I consider him generally harmless, but he is not a person I would seek a close friendship with.   

What is quite interesting about him is that on a few occasions he has commented about how "quiet" I am.  But the truth is..... he is not a good listener! He is just too busy making jokes and gabbing that he never takes the time to "take in" what others are saying..beyond on a very surface level.  That is why he thinks I am quiet... because when I am around him, I can't get a word in edge-wise.

[clara]

I've come to conclude, when someone comments about them being caring and genuine - if they have to say it, then it ain't so.

I've seen this over and over in both PDs and non-PD narcs.  It's not just a one-time statement, said in a specific moment, but a mantra they repeat because they want you to believe it.  A pat on the back they make to themselves, just to remind you of what they think they deserve (for their stated wonderfulness). 

Recently a narc (but not PD) casual friend made yet another posting on her FB page about something great she'd done, or some compliment she'd received from someone else about how great she is.  Another friend called her out on FB, after she was openly critical of him, also on FB.  He called her a sanctimonious hypocrit, and while I chastised him (publicly) on FB for being rude, I secretly was tickled to see the truth about her being made openly.  Because she IS a sanctimonious hypocrit.  But...you can never get that type of person to self-reflect.  They have an image they want to project and will not give it up for love or money! 

[countrygirl]

Yes, it is all about the image.  A former friend used to lie about her profession and her accomplishments to people she'd just met, when I was standing right there, knowing it was a lie.  I could never understand why she wasn't embarrassed, but then I realized it was because she was enjoying the opportunity she had to impress new people, to present a perfect image.  Once she told me about taking a cruise with her elderly mother and lying about what she did to their dinner table companions.  "Mom was good about it," she told me.  Meaning her mom didn't call her out on lying.  Of course I didn't either when she met new people.  If this were to happen now, I would say say something.  Maybe try to handle it with humor, and say,  "Oh, there you go, telling THAT whopper again." 

Just SO weird!  I am so glad I don't have to deal with her anymore.   

[athene1399]

she'd brag about how she didn't brag about their success

I'm always baffled by how they can't see how much they contradict themselves.