What's it like for you when they have an "up" mood?

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GentleSoul

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Re: What's it like for you when they have an "up" mood?
« Reply #40 on: July 15, 2019, 11:23:41 AM »
I just wanted to add that I feel uPD husbands "up" moods are just as fake and dysfunctional as his "down" moods.

None of it reflects real life, in my experience.

My experience is similar. The "up" moods have a sort of surreal quality to them. I found the term "hypomanic" a welcome relief to explain kind of what they're like. My wife's ups are her dysfunctional happiness because she successfully offloaded her shame onto me, or enough time has passed and I, in codependent fashion, haven't held her accountable for her previous anger/shaming/blaming. So yeah... very dysfunctional.

Thanks for sharing this.  Interesting.

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Grahamcracker

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Re: What's it like for you when they have an "up" mood?
« Reply #41 on: July 27, 2019, 04:16:17 PM »
This is so apt for me, because the mood just dropped about an hour ago.  Everything had been in high hoover mode for a couple weeks, so much that, as you said, I began to forget the down side of things and think maybe I could and should do better myself.  Without going into great detail, I said the "wrong" thing and set off the landslide.  Sincere pain in her, but all based on such wrong premises.

Anyway, to your question,  I'm never fully at ease in the up phase, because I hate it so much when the mood drops and I get stressed and feel caught in a web.  Even though intellectually I know better, my inner self feels disappointed and frustrated once again.
"Wisdom's a gift, but you'd trade it for youth, Age is an honor but still not the truth"  Vampire Weekend.

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rubixcube

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Re: What's it like for you when they have an "up" mood?
« Reply #42 on: July 28, 2019, 11:09:25 PM »
This is so apt for me, because the mood just dropped about an hour ago.  Everything had been in high hoover mode for a couple weeks, so much that, as you said, I began to forget the down side of things and think maybe I could and should do better myself.  Without going into great detail, I said the "wrong" thing and set off the landslide.  Sincere pain in her, but all based on such wrong premises.

Anyway, to your question,  I'm never fully at ease in the up phase, because I hate it so much when the mood drops and I get stressed and feel caught in a web.  Even though intellectually I know better, my inner self feels disappointed and frustrated once again.

Hang in there! It's one of the worst feelings in the world. It has a way of sucking all hope out of us. Like a giant mosquito...

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Grahamcracker

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Re: What's it like for you when they have an "up" mood?
« Reply #43 on: November 30, 2019, 03:43:54 PM »
My H is in an up mood right now. It honestly makes the house feel lighter. Energy is calm. He's cracking jokes and being the person he is to people outside the home. It's nice and also confusing as I'm still emotionally intertwined with this version of him, which is the reason I haven't been able to just leave. I'm still in the fog, I guess. I hope over time it will become clearer.

Blackbird, you sum it up nicely.  Confusion and emotionally intertwined.
"Wisdom's a gift, but you'd trade it for youth, Age is an honor but still not the truth"  Vampire Weekend.

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Cascade

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Re: What's it like for you when they have an "up" mood?
« Reply #44 on: November 30, 2019, 09:19:02 PM »
My husband was in an up mood yesterday. He had the day off and did some shopping and bought too much. Then he paced back and forth, talking non stop about other things to spend money on. He has lots of energy and his moods like this almost seem a little manic to me. They never last long though. 

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rubixcube

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Re: What's it like for you when they have an "up" mood?
« Reply #45 on: December 03, 2019, 05:20:32 PM »
My husband was in an up mood yesterday. He had the day off and did some shopping and bought too much. Then he paced back and forth, talking non stop about other things to spend money on. He has lots of energy and his moods like this almost seem a little manic to me. They never last long though.

Same with my w. There's just something odd about the up mood. I found the term "hypomanic" to explain it well. It's surreal.

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CNWife

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Re: What's it like for you when they have an "up" mood?
« Reply #46 on: December 24, 2019, 01:24:11 PM »
I'm only a m month into realizing I'm married's to a Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist. I feel so liberated in just realizing and seeing his behavior for what it is. But I'm still working on my responses to his behavior. I definitely feel in his ups that I'm crazy for even considering he is a CN. I decided to red through my journal when he's in his ups. Not to wallow in his past behavior, but to remind myself that I'm not crazy. I find that I can read it, and put it away and not ruminate over all the crazy-making. It helps me to not join him on his ups and makes the downs less painful. I have to compartmentalize his behavior, the ups and downs. I do take the opportunity to create good memories and positively respond to his ups. Maybe over time, using the toolbox and MC and GRM, he'll recognize the positive reaction to the up and the non reaction to the downs and stay in and up mood more?? My fear is that if I don't feed his supply he's going to find someone who does. But I guess I can't control that and I keep reminding myself that I can't be abused just for him to stay. That sounds SO messed up.

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rubixcube

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Re: What's it like for you when they have an "up" mood?
« Reply #47 on: December 26, 2019, 09:12:02 AM »
Maybe over time, using the toolbox and MC and GRM, he'll recognize the positive reaction to the up and the non reaction to the downs and stay in and up mood more??

This is interesting. I don't do much to reward the ups with my covert passive aggressive narc wife. But the overall mood in the house is better and I'm not treading as carefully. You'd think she'd notice, like people who can read social cues would, but it doesn't seem like she does. If she does notice, as soon as her mood begins to shift again it's all forgotten.

I'm starting see what looks like a correlation between her shame and her blame. When she starts going dark, coming out of the "up", she begins to feel inner shame. That's uncomfortable for her so, as a narcissist, she converts it to anger as her mechanism for dealing with it. When it becomes anger she begins her blame and projection. She snarls at me, is very Curt, mumbles, and is reticent. She seems to blame me for why she feels bad! God forbid I contradict her or bring up anything about our daily roles or responsibilities. Then she really feels justified in thinking I caused her mood...

What's interesting about this is that no matter what happens in the "up", if I'm not enabling and feeding her with narcissistic supply, I will always be the target. I became the target the day I stood up for myself after walking on eggshells and enabling her for 5 years. Her pity party and victim playing really came to life then.

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Grahamcracker

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Re: What's it like for you when they have an "up" mood?
« Reply #48 on: January 02, 2020, 12:37:23 PM »
Rube, you and I seem to share a lot of the same experiences.  I am impressed by your apt descriptions, and wish you well. 
"Wisdom's a gift, but you'd trade it for youth, Age is an honor but still not the truth"  Vampire Weekend.

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rubixcube

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Re: What's it like for you when they have an "up" mood?
« Reply #49 on: January 02, 2020, 11:12:16 PM »
Grahamcracker, I was thinking the same thing as soon as I saw your username had posted here, and I think it every time I read one of your posts.

It's a huge comfort knowing there are others with the same experiences!