Just starting to deal with chosen PD

[derailedinCO]

Hi folks,
I'm totally new to this site, and to posting in forums in general.

I've been in a relationship with a borderline/antisocial/cluster b for 16 years, and married to him for 12. He was my brother's best friend in college, but by brother is now in NC mode.

Our relationship was dreamy for the first two years, and pretty awesome for the next two or three as well. His poor coping skills (or no coping skills) started to manifest around the time of the 2007/08 recession, when finances and futures became uncertain. I went back to grad school, and started working on a career path to deal, but he didn't do much of anything to improve our situation.

Then in 2013 our elderly and ill parents and grandparents took up our energy. We focused on trying to save them - he played the role of loyal stay-at-home caregiver while I tried to manage their finances and keep working at my own career. The last elder died in 2016, so that phase of our lives is over, and now all his anger is focused at my brother and me. My husband says he was traumatized while caregiving, and blames my brother for it because he didn't do his part.

For the past year I have listened to his outbursts, and taken the verbal abuse when I try to be rational. But I'm giving up. He's not committed to therapy, and he's not taking responsibility for his own emotions. His behavior impacts me emotionally, and distracts me at work.

So I'm just now at the stage of starting to figure out how to set boundaries. My dad is also cluster b (and who knows what my own PDs are) so I've learned to live with and enable them all my life. I'm really looking forward to reading posts in this forum!

[coyote]

Hi derailed and welcome to Out of the FOG. I am so glad you found us and so sorry you need us. IME boundaries are key to stopping the abuse from a PD. However boundaries are only as effective as your ability to enforce them with natural consequences when they are violated. Realize also you may get push back from your H when you begin to implement boundaries.

Other tools I have found helpful are Medium Chill, no JADE, no Circular Conversations, the 3C's and the 51% rule. There is a part of the toolbox that speaks to What to Do and What not To Do. You will find a lot of support on the forums and learn from others as well.

[derailedinCO]

Thank you for the reply! And for the suggested tools. I've never been good at enforcing boundaries before. Doh! This site is already so helpful!

Hi derailed and welcome to Out of the FOG. I am so glad you found us and so sorry you need us. IME boundaries are key to stopping the abuse from a PD. However boundaries are only as effective as your ability to enforce them with natural consequences when they are violated. Realize also you may get push back from your H when you begin to implement boundaries.

Other tools I have found helpful are Medium Chill, no JADE, no Circular Conversations, the 3C's and the 51% rule. There is a part of the toolbox that speaks to What to Do and What not To Do. You will find a lot of support on the forums and learn from others as well.