Kicking myself

[Sojourner17]

Ok guys, I'm having a moment and totally brought it on myself  a week ago mom texted one sentence asking how we are. I responded by saying hi and that we are doing well and how are they. Got one line back saying they were fine. End of convo. It didn't bother me a whole lot and I saw where I had made gains in healing and moving forward.
So, my country is in a deep freeze and while that's really nothing new for this time of year it's been more pronounced for some places.
Today I got the bright idea to text and ask if they are experiencing it. My thinking being perhaps enough time has gone by where I am feeling able to attempt pleasant chit chat again. I sent the text and almost immediately regretted it. In the past... before black thanksgiving I would have heard back already. Actually probably up to a few months ago I would have heard back already. But nothing... and while it's still within the timeframe of normalcy to not hear back from someone I'm still feeling things that are causing discomfort.

I seriously just caused myself my own anxiety and I'm feeling like I could jump out of my skin!  I'm partly writing this for myself to help me calm myself. Just goes to show I still have a long way to go! This is so hard!

[Amadahy]

Aw, Sojourner17, no kicking!  🙂  Years of programming have us worrying no matter what.  I get so tired of daily phone convos w Nmom, but if she doesn't call, my mind goes a thousand worrisome directions.  Silly? Yes.  But, understandable, given our backgrounds. 

Hope you can take some deep breaths and practice some self care w a nice bath or cup of tea or something relaxing. 

[Spring Butterfly]

When I get like this it helps to repeat "not my stuff" and also remember that if it was anyone else I would simply assume they had gotten sidetracked and didn't get a chance to respond or see it. We choose the story around the events so choose a different story to calm monkey mind running all over like a crazed squirrel.

[need2bme]

This is so hard!

Well, I've just begun this journey...but I can agree with you!  There isn't anything easy about this!!  Don't beat yourself up.  I noticed in Spring Butterfly's signature it says "each and every contact with a PD person results in damage".  I'm seeing how true that is.   

Years of programming have us worrying no matter what.  I get so tired of daily phone convos w Nmom, but if she doesn't call, my mind goes a thousand worrisome directions.  Silly? Yes.  But, understandable, given our backgrounds. 

Armadahy said it well.  We are programmed to think and respond like that and it took years of programming.  My heart goes out to anyone who has to endure the pain of this type of abuse, but children of PDs....our brains have been programmed from birth.  There is nothing we can compare our current selves with...because we never knew life without it.  I keep telling myself...it took you 42 years to get to this point...you will not walk out of it overnight. 

I've begun to journal...I write things that make me realize my good points...so that when those moments come that tear down everything I had worked for...I can quickly remember the good things about me and why I'm fighting this fight for my life.  And it is that...a fight for our lives.

You are worth it!!!  You are strong!!!           Remember who you are!!!  YOU ARE A SURVIVOR!!!!! 

[Sojourner17]

Thank you all for the encouragement. A few hours later mom responded and the exchange actually went well.
It was totally my mind/emotions going off. Almost like a flashing danger sign and my brain telling me to abort but the text was already sent ... lol too little too late. It ended up being okay so that's good. I'm not holding my breath though. And probably won't text again for a while. 
It's totally a learned response though. It's been almost 38 years for me... 2.5 years of trying to get Out of the FOG... so I still have a lot of work to do!

[practical]

I'm happy no harm was done in the end and sorry for the anxiety this caused you.

What I have taught myself to deal with those impulses is,  I sit on it for at least an hour, possibly overnight, I might even draft an email/text and let it sit - usually after a certain amount of time the urge to send whatever has disappeared. Being simply my normal self is something I pretty much have scraped when it comes to the PDs in my life. You behaved normally by wanting to ask - realizing and internalizing that that isn't necessarily a good option with a PD is really hard and takes time.