Taking my first steps

[need2bme]

Having some anxiety tonight.  After prayer and consideration, I've decided my first step is to leave the church where my dad is the pastor.  I think perhaps he is uNPDm's enabler, I've yet to be able to think/face my relationship issues with him.  I'm not sure I'm strong enough to do that just yet.  This decision is based a lot of the fact that I struggle to differentiate between my dad and my pastor and I also feel that he is unable to differentiate between daughter and parishioner.  Right now, facing the psychological issues from abuse from uNPDm and trying to change how I think, rather than stay in the hell hole of a brain she has programmed...I've got enough on my plate.  I need the support of a church and safety within the walls of it.  While my church is absolutely amazing in that aspect...my FOO makes it difficult to find peace there...even among so many that I dearly love.  I'm a Sunday School teacher, so I have commitments there.  I plan on speaking with my parents tomorrow about leaving and plan to address the church as a whole on Sunday.  I will stay until my position is filled.  I mean, I could run and never give an explanation...but I love them and I don't think it would be right to do so.  I, of course, will not tell them the exact reason why I'm leaving...but will just explain that I am facing a lot of changes in my life and one of those changes requires me to leave.  I'm taking steps on finding a place to live (across the state) and I when I move, I will have to leave that church anyway.  I feel it's better to do it now than to wait until I leave.  And I need to find the strength within myself to stand up to them and do something I feel is right for me.

Anyways, I get sick to my stomach every time I think about facing them tomorrow.  I've never stood up to them and quite frankly, I'm not sure I have ever made a decision that was just truly about me and doing what I feel is right.  I've always had this nagging voice in my head telling me they won't agree with it...and more often than not, I don't take the step I need to make for me so I can stay out of conflict with them.  For those of you who are believers, please say a prayer for me tonight and ask that God give me the strength to stand rather than shrivel up and allow them to run over me.  I'm 42...it's way past time for me to be making decisions for my life. 

So, I'm curious.  For those of you who began standing up to your PD parents...you all have any advice?  Maybe mistakes you made that I could learn from...or things that gave you strength in the midst of it all? 

[RavenLady]

Hi need2bme. I really respect your decision to break away from this abusive environment. It takes a ton of courage and I admire that in you.

Back when I was a believer and dealing with an engulfing religiously abusive uPDm, I found it very useful to present my boundary-setting in terms of hearing God's direction for my faith path, much like you. That left her without much to argue with, unless she was going to assert that she knew God's path for me better than I did. If your M is comfortable asserting such rubbish with respect to you when you are 42 years old, then I suppose you could point out that probably she's not done a great job guiding you to God so far in spite of having ample time to do so, and thus you need to find a new set of resources to that end elsewhere. But I don't think you should concede anything, especially not that they have a hotline to God that you don't. There certainly seems to be little evidence of that. She/they have utterly no right to define your life for you.

I also see no reason you can't point out that you are a grown adult and the decision is entirely, entirely, ENTIRELY yours to make. Maybe review the Toolbox before going in? JADE, your stuff/their stuff, etc.

I encourage you to set up nurturing, supportive resources to fall back on immediately after this/these convos. Maybe schedule time with a friend or other loved one who can support you in case it goes as painfully as it so often does with PDs?

Please remember that you are doing the right thing for you to get away from the abuse, just as your God and faith would want for you. They can throw a hissy fit or pull out all the emotional blackmailing stuff that they want. It still doesn't belong to you. You have two feet of your own and you can point them any direction you want.

I'll be thinking of you through the weekend. Please let us know how it goes! 

[Juniperberry]

Back when I was a believer and dealing with an engulfing religiously abusive uPDm, I found it very useful to present my boundary-setting in terms of hearing God's direction for my faith path, much like you. That left her without much to argue with, unless she was going to assert that she knew God's path for me better than I did.

This is what came to my mind, too.  God is calling you to make a change.  You do not have to disclose the depth of the change you are being called to. 

Getting your parents to "bless" your decision cannot be your goal here.  They will not like it.  Your goal is just to state your decision to them.  Remember, no justifying or defending — it won't help and makes you look weak.  State your truth, respond civilly but firmly to their response, and get out of there. 

Sending good vibes your way. 

[all4peace]

It is terrifying to begin to face our parents. I was 42 when I began doing so also. I worked on calming breaths, much (all?) of my communication was in writing rather than in person, and I sometimes used tapping (Google "tapping for dread") before having face-to-face meetings with DH's parents (also likely PD).

What I can tell you is that with a lot of time that included therapy, prayer, self-care, inner-child work and more, I can now face both sets of parents without fear or anxiety. One year ago a text from my parents sent me into a trauma response, so it's a huge growth curve.

I love that you're looking at what you need, what is best for you, and starting to differentiate yourself from your parents and their expectations. It's really a very normal developmental stage that would more typically happen when we're older teens, if we had had healthy families. I know there can be a lot of fear and guilt attached, but you have good motives and logic. You can do this!

[bloomie]

need2bme - this is an important step you are taking in your healing journey. One or two steps at a time as the way is illuminated for you. That is how I found my way Out of the FOG in a very similar situation. Leaving the faith community I had been a part of for decades was very difficult and my heart and prayers are with you as you embrace this change and challenge.