FIL showing subtle emotional abuse to daughter

[mom2four71]

Every Friday night my in-laws take my kids to IHOP. My husband goes sometimes, and sometimes he doesn't. My 15yo daughter is developing her own opinions and identity. Last Friday my FIL (who has verbally and emotionally abused his wife for 60 years) started a conversation with my daughter about illegal immigration and when she shared her dissenting point-of-view he rolled his eyes at her.  Seems benign but she came home and shared it with me and I asked "Did you feel disrespected?" and she said "Yes, that's why it bothered me". Yesterday my daughter got her nose pierced. They took her to IHOP last night and saw it. My MIL sneered and grimaced in disgust but remained silent. My FIL said "Looks like what they use for horses to hook them to a fence". She said "No, that would be an ox" and he said "Same thing". He compared her to a horse and an ox! As she gets older and develops her individuality that differs than what they think she will become more subjected to this kind of treatment. My husband won't stand up to his parents, and I am using this as teaching moments for her. Would you allow your daughter to continue to be exposed to FIL? Would you ask your husband to go to manage the situation? What would you do?

[Call Me Cordelia]

Not okay. Yikes. I would punt this one to DH, with a clear boundary that if he doesn't ensure respect that would be the end of Friday IHOP. And you'll be telling your daughter why. I would also like him to go along for a while.

That grandpa feels entitled to be so rude is a red flag. He doesn't have to like the nose piercing. But you are the parents and you allowed it, so it's okay. End of discussion. They are both disrespectful of YOUR decisions for your daughter here. A 15 year old should never have to put up with being called names or have her appearance subjected to cruel criticism. Especially from a grandparent. If you put up with it you teach her to accept being treated that way too. Go get 'em Mama Bear. 

[qcdlvl]

 

If your FIL cannot refrain from being cruel to your daughter, why would he get to spend time with her?

[bloomie]

mom2four71 - I am sorry this is happening with your dd. I am wondering... since she is 15 and old enough to choose, does she enjoy going to IHOP with her grandparents each Friday? Or would this be a time to ask if she wants to continue going and letting her decide?

Your fil sounds very familiar to me... much like my own. He was known for similar kinds of statements and attitudes freely given in all social settings - awkward!  And like you this became more of an issue as our kids were in their teens/young adulthood and developing social, religious, political, personal independence in their thinking and expressing of their newly forming beliefs.

This was his personality and how he engaged. He had terrible filters and zero social cueing. Our teen to young adult aged kids were spunky and not in the least intimidated by him and held their own and found him mildly annoying, biased, inappropriate at times, embarrassing and offensive at times,  and loved him anyway because thankfully that is not all he was to them.

Did they want to spend extended alone time with him? No, but they did want to still spend time with him. Did I have to learn to walk a careful line and leave respectful space for their own perceptions and decisions when discussing the things grandpa said when with them? Yes. Were there times when what he said crossed a line to Dh and myself intervening? Yes. All of that. And it is complicated at times to navigate this as these are important relationships to our children that at 15 may be well established.

What I am getting at is you know your dd best and know if she is at a point to have some control and say so over this relationship and if she spends time with her grandparents on the weekly. And for us, these are my now full grown with family's of their own children's grandparents and they continue to this day to have relationships with them with eyes wide open, full knowledge of their grandparents strengths and weaknesses and they have chosen the LOC that works for them.

Please bear in mind I am talking about a teen that is close to entering adulthood and not a smaller child who is far more limited in coping with this kind of thing.

[mom2four71]

@Bloomie. You nailed it. Great advice and perspective. My daughter has excellent judgment and can make her own choices. She is fully aware of "his ways" and is not intimidated by him and can ignore a lot of what he says. She enjoys her limited time with them and if it becomes too much I believe she will reduce it even more. However, if I'm there and he talks to her like that, Mama Bear will speak up and be very clear that I don't like how he is speaking to my daughter. DH is passive to his parents and the golden/hero child in the family. He would never compromise his position (pedastal?) in the family by pushing back or speaking up to them. This is a pain point in my relationship with DH, that there's no resistance to the abuse and allowing the poor boundaries with his parents. I'm the one that has the boundaries, speaks up, says no, and the repercussions of that put a strain on my marriage as I lose respect for DH over what he allows.

[all4peace]

As we engaged with unhealthy attitudes and behaviors on both sides of our family, when our kids were younger I was very vigilant for how it affected our kids' attitudes towards themselves, each other, us, our family as a whole. When younger, they were more vulnerable and impressionable. With age and protection, they are now fully able to deal with difficult attitudes and behaviors on their own, without our protection, but with us checking in to see how they're doing.

I think that kids are very unique, with different personalities and developmental stages, and that our job as parents is to keep a tab on them through time to see how they're doing and what they need. It sounds like you're really good at seeing your daughter's vulnerabilities and strengths, and sometimes these difficult interactions can become good conversations between us and our teens. Good luck!