Slow and progessive

[Oh+]

I am in it for the long haul. The flame is lit. Over a month ago I set a compassion line (LC to NC) with the extended FOO I grew up with; they are a mixed bag of people exhibiting uPD behavior and Non-PD flea behavior. (That feels awkward to write).  Healthy tension is now in play for each of us to find our own way through.

The flame is burning bright to pass on good intentions and to halt the madness coming back; outbursts, mind control schemes, bullying etc. (Thanks to the PD Toolbox, good friends, and stories from Out of the FOG) I have learned it takes great preparation to be present to family in the fog.
A. When I drew the line of LC to NC I had to look at my role in all this. Early on, I subscribed to flea behavior willingly, it is what I knew, eventually I couldn’t rid myself of the patterned behavior till I saw myself vividly with others who loved me (teachers, friends, work colleagues — over many years). I started to question and reflect on my upbringing and what kind of person I wanted to be. Travel and creating a context for relating to others intimately, in my late teens, set me up to realize, who I was imagining myself to be; dancing solo towards uncertainty.
B. There is a vast open space to encounter. This is how I feel about the release of toxic energy that comes from LC, NC, and using toolbox methods to manage life in a difficult society. At times I reach far into what is possible, become overwhelmed, then drawback —- I do this because I do not have a reference point for this new mindset. The inner critic reminds me of the past yet it is no longer applicable ( feeling extremely jovial). The inner lover (a voice I know but have named for the first time) calms me to see further and to know a healthier discernment. ‘She’ has a great memory of positive encounters and gently draws me towards new experiences. The inner lover draws strength from connecting with others, whether its being medium chill around PD behavior or hugging a friend going through a hard time. I also must be willing to carry an open heart with courage.
C. Am I in the fog? No. I had to understand this. Being exposed to PD behaviors and responding in a way that keeps me Out of the FOG is different than not being exposed to PD behaviors and feeling free to be myself with others. This line is especially tenuous when dealing with a birth parent that has a life-threatening illness, is a uPD, and its LC, occasionally cloudy comes around but clears rather quickly once I realize where the hell I am  . Forgiving myself and my parent has been the way forward —- I don’t forget, thus the boundaries are in place, this is an act of love. I know this, because I feel good when I am with the parent and when I leave.
D. This week it hit me. What life looks like with family estrangement. It is exciting, it feels roomy, like I have all the gifts from the past without the damage (working on this with the T): a bloodline of know-how, a legacy of wonder that calls for balance, and a self being shaped willingly. ‘You have never been in this place in this exact moment ever’, the inner lover sounds quietly — a saying to truth I willingly accept with sweat, blood, and tears.  It takes work to be with people and then more work to act on what is learned so we (community) can grow together.

It is slow and progressive.

[Oh+]

note I would like to add to the sweat, blood, and tears — laughter, tenderness, and respect. Being in a phase that requires a ton of work tends to leave me laughter deprived. I am working on that.