Self aware!

[Misplacedenergy]

Hello, I'm very new. I'm a woman from the UK in my early 30s.
I was talking to someone today and they picked up on a few of my mother's abusive traits. I was referred here and have been reading ever since.

I have suspected ASD(asperger)/ADHD dyspraxia with BPD traits however I'm aware there's an overlap I do believe some of my traits are exclusive to my environment growing up.

My mother does not have much knowledge on ASD but believes herself to be a good councillor as she chose this as her profession so she is not clueless to behaviours etc. She won't really entertain that I possibly have aspergers though.

My mother causes me immense anxiety, she has never been maternal and shows many traits of a NPD/BPD mother.

I'm having a hard time processing some of her behaviours since reading about it today. Especially now she's spending a lot of time with my daughter.

One of the things I'm struggling with personally is how my mother exploits my lack of verbal filter to fill her needs. She often only chooses to contact me during crisis, I live 100 miles away and she turned up unannounced which made me very uneasy anyway.
She made me believe that she wanted to see if I was ok. Like fate brought her to me as I've been struggling with getting the right support network in my new town. She's offered no support until now because I reached out to somebody else and she noticed, she didn't take the time to call to ask how I was she waited two days to surprise me. She chose my most vulnerable time to ask me about very personal things and added in jabs whilst she was at it. I was genuinely at one of my lowest points.

I have an inability to keep things from her or lie and I didn't want her to know that my depressive state was making me feel like I was a bad person and deserved nothing but unhappiness, sadly things fall from my mouth when I'm not fully concentrating on them which is more difficult the more upset I get and I cannot defend my own words. She went on to confirm these thoughts telling me how badly I've treat her and people in the past. She tried making uncomfortable jokes about my mental health infront of my partner, mentioning a surgery scar and asking if i stabbed him infront of my son. She refused to tuck my 7 year old son in bed after he asked her. I didn't and don't react. When I do I'm the abusive one, I do not ever hurt anyone but my words can be piercing.
She often uses the term go on hit me then during my meltdowns but my anger is only ever directed at myself. I feel she says this to antagonize me whilst I'm already in trauma and unable to calm myself down.

Theres so many realisations I've come to or lightbulb moments If I'm correct. I've always been told I'm too sensitive and cannot take a joke and that Is all too true but I was made to believe everything I struggled with was my own fault because I could not control my outbursts as a child or teen.

Maybe the worst thing to pop into my head today is that my mother caused me physical pain refusing to take me to hospital when I was miscarrying my son. She made me wait a fair while in a lot of pain very clearly in active labour after some choice words about its my own fault for getting pregnant and get used to the pain as you're going to feel a lot more. I was having very regular contractions at 26 weeks and she drove past the hospital 3 miles to get cigarettes. I must add I was 13 years old and very vulnerable. I've never spoken of this as I never realised it was wrong.

She made me go on TV a few times to help get her fame. She tried numerous times to sell my story, she sometimes takes me to the cinema for a treat but I am traumatised by horror movies after being told as a teen i was possessed and that was why I behaved badly. She denies and aggravates. She told me aged 16 my dad was not my dad and that I had to tell him. I could go on. You get the general idea. I'm honestly so flabberghasted. Ofcourse I've known for some time she's quite toxic, I've seen her behaviours more with others than with myself. Trying to manipulate my sister in law and gossip about us all to make us argue.

I feel like many family members follow in her footsteps. My sister is diagnosed BPD after some time in hospital and she is very much like my mum. They bully me and devalue me when they get the chance.
I got away by moving and now my daughter spends her time between places and from what I hear she's become the focus of my mums sucking of life, treating her like a slave, refusing to help with lifts and doctors appointments, all the while I pay her an amount weekly because my daughter needs to feel she has a "safe place" to go to when she's there. I want to explain to my daughter to make her more vigilant but I feel it is unfair to skew her perception of my mother and she should make her mind up (she's 17). All I can do is keep reminding my daughter that I am here for any kind of support.

I really do not know where to go from here. I need to accept all of this. I've got so on in my mind accepting who I am, understanding I will always need support and therapy to live a normalish life. Thankyou if you took the time to read.

[Oh+]

misplacedenergy You moved away with your daughter  Your situation with your Mom sounds difficult and you are doing all the right things: reaching out for support, researching information about PD behavior, and acknowledging the facts.

You and your daughter are fortunate to have one another; talk to her about the information you have found. Ask her about staying with your Mom, are there any alternative housing options your daughter is open to -- a friends family you trust for support? A local community support group for teens (Outward Bound in the US) I mention this, because any living situation with a person exhibiting PD behavior is toxic and for a minor, an unsafe scenario. Stick with it -- you are headed in the right direction -- if I was in this spot, I would go over the PD checklist (confirms facts about the situation) and the PD toolbox with my daughter, make it fun -- role play + assure her along the way, with regular check-ins. The more stability (feeling safe and having a set routine) the better, especially in her final years as a teen. Remember to take care of YOU -- in crisis I have found the support of a T (therapist) or contacting a helpline for a referral, to be a critical step to knowing and feeling peace of mind -- doing this also models to your daughter, how to take care of herself.   Hope this helps.

[Misplacedenergy]

Thankyou for your reply. My daughter stays mostly with her boyfriend. She is growing tired of my mother's demands but doesn't say much. I will look into what you said.

[coyote]

Welcome to Out of the FOG. You are in a good place here with folks who understand and do not judge. I would suggest reading through the Toolbox if you have not already. It is chocked full of good information. There is a board called Dealing with Parents you might want to check out. Once again welcome and I hope this site proves as helpful to you as it has to me.

[RavenLady]

Hi Misplacedenergy! Welcome to Out of the FOG!

Your mother's behaviors that you are describing are extremely abusive. Needlessly delaying or denying necessary medical care when you were a child is abuse. Using her psychological knowledge to manipulate, degrade and exploit you is abuse. Verbal and emotional abuse and neglect are also in the mix here. Your mother does indeed sound very toxic and I am so glad for you that you now live farther away. It sounds like she has been hoovering you when you put emotional/relational/physical distance between you and her. That is a thing narcissists in particular do.

My own uBPDm has formal education in psychology and has used that to damage and manipulate me, too. It was extremely confusing and very much a mind-f*ck. When I was very young -- way too young -- she planted in my head the idea that I would likely develop schizophrenia, and she also religiously abused me by teaching me to fear demons that would control me if I didn't behave as she instructed. This kind of psychological abuse can be very damaging.  Fortunately I now see it for what it is and avoided all the scary things she forecast for me.

In addition to the excellent resources in the Toolbox here at Out of the FOG, and the hard-won wisdom the members of this forum provide, books that might be worth exploring include "Will I Ever Be Good Enough: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" (McBride), "Understanding the Borderline Mother" (Lawson), "It Wasn't Your Fault: Freeing Yourself from the Shame of Childhood Abuse with the Power of Self-Compassion" (Engel), and "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" (Walker).

Please also be aware that what can look superficially like BPD can actually be emotional flashbacks caused by Complex PTSD, which is what many of us who were abused and neglected by our parents develop. Same with ADHD. Pete Walker's excellent writing on this topic has provided a roadmap for many of us toward our healing. Here is some of his advice about emotional flashbacks: http://www.pete-walker.com/flashbackManagement.htm and if this speaks to you it's probably worth getting his book. It's been extremely useful to me.

My DH is on the autism spectrum and it particularly infuriates me to learn your M used the possibility of your ASD to further control, degrade and manipulate you. It makes me want to give her the what-for and scare her away from you, permanently. I hope you will find the support you deserve from a T and others who value and appreciate you for who you are, without pathologizing or labelling you in unhelpful ways. Your full humanity is on display in your writing and you belong in this Out of the FOG community as much as any of us.

Please be kind and gentle with yourself as you move forward on your healing path. This stuff is really hard work but entirely worth it. And you are not alone on your journey.

Healing and peace to you!