Lost for words

[Spirit in the sky]

As I have written previously things have been very difficult with my NMIL since Christmas. I haven't spoken to her since the beginning of January when she was verbally abusive to me.

My husband and I agreed on low contact and he has spoken to her on the phone. What I find incredibly unsettling is she talks to him like nothing happened, as if she has blocked all the screaming, swearing and abusive phone calls from her mind. She's being as nice a pie to towards him.

What I have noticed is she never mentions my name, she doesn't ask how I am. I'm fine with being ignored but I have found the whole 6 weeks extremely upsetting and have felt guilty and anxious about how it would effect the family. I have even had sympathy for her and was concerned she was actually upset.
Now I am waking up to how things really are, she doesn't give to hoots about me. I have been a pawn in her game and once I stopped sacrificing myself she chooses to ignore me, I am no longer useful.

I should have seen this coming, she had a massive argument with her other son before Christmas. He basically called her out on her behaviour, called her a bully, an emotional blackmailer, toxic personality , full of hate. Of course she loved the drama for a few days and all the sympathy, within a week she was saying he was having problems with his wife and that's why he said those things.
Making all the excuses because obviously he didn't mean anything he said, he was just upset with his wife!!

I keep falling into the trap of believing she will think and behave like a normal rational person. Both her sons have called her out on her behaviour and she acts like they are the perfect loving happy family. She can't see they despise and only barely tolerate her because the no contact experiment sent her in a dangerous spiteful rage and everyone was concerned for their safety.

It's fascinating that she sees no wrong in 'her' boys after all the nastiness. My sil has been blamed for stressing my bil, and making him say untruths about his mother. I can see signs of me being the fall guy for the upset with my husband, because I refused to get involved in the abusive phone calls and didn't reply to the hate texts. I'm fine with that, but speechless doesn't even begin to describe how I feel about her refusing to take any responsibility for her actions, no apologies, no remorse. Just blame the daughter in laws, protect her beloved boys and pretend to be the best mother in world. Unbelievable 

[Call Me Cordelia]

Ugh. I'm so sorry. How disturbing!

We can all relate here. Welcome to Cluster B. Taking zero responsibility, abuse going down the memory hole, rewriting history, scapegoat/golden child dynamic, delusions of being a wonderful mother, Jekyll/Hyde transformation, the discard. Check, check, checkity check. You're definitely in the right place.

[Psuedonym]

Whoo boy Spirit in the sky,

I just posted something with almost the identical sentiment in the PD Parents section. In my case it's my uBPDm and my brave BF is the one that talks to her, but the total denial and blame shifting is exactly the same. I'm the one who's mentally ill in her reality, or nothing happened at all. I also keep half believing that one day she'll think and behave like a normal rational person. But Call Me Cordelia is right. There's a reason that taking zero responsibility for one's actions is a hallmark of Cluster B personalities. Mine literally says she was  the best mother in world all the time. It's like they all read off the same script.

[SheKnowsBest]

I feel ya! We all do around here. It never makes sense, and I have learned to stop looking for a logical explanation for anything uNPDmil does. I was scapegoated for the final time roughly two years ago and couldn't be happier at the current no contact status quo that I maintain. I took her bs and said enough is enough. DH has to deal with her and her vitriol on his own. He has since come Out of the FOG and gone vvlc with her. She is reaping what she has sown. It's a sad reality as she ages...

[P&K]

Whoo boy Spirit in the sky,

I just posted something with almost the identical sentiment in the PD Parents section. In my case it's my uBPDm and my brave BF is the one that talks to her, but the total denial and blame shifting is exactly the same. I'm the one who's mentally ill in her reality, or nothing happened at all. I also keep half believing that one day she'll think and behave like a normal rational person. But Call Me Cordelia is right. There's a reason that taking zero responsibility for one's actions is a hallmark of Cluster B personalities. Mine literally says she was  the best mother in world all the time. It's like they all read off the same script.

Nearly identical issues for me and FOC as well, even the claims of being the best mother in the world. I'm working on trying not to get so worked up by the nice facade, as if nothing was wrong at all.  My DH once asked me why I care what she thinks at all, and truth be told, I was a bit floored and unable to answer that.

I hope you find peace and contentment in your heart, mind and surroundings. You are in good company here.

[all4peace]

It does boggle the mind. My mother was abusive and violent to every person in the house throughout our entire childhood. Our relationship crumbled in adulthood, and her explanation to my therapist was that "we're just so much alike and have drifted apart." Three of her children have explicitly described her troubling behavior and she acknowledges none of it. The alter explanations are absolutely incredible to hear. Everything but the truth. I don't know any way of coping with this but to accept that we live in alternate realities and find the level of contact that is safe for us.

[Spirit in the sky]

Thank you everyone for the support. I am so glad I found this forum it has saved my sanity. For years I have suspected my MIL had a pd but my husband was too enmeshed to see the damage his mother was caused, also she conceals it very well, with the mask of being a loving mother and grandmother mother.

I had seen warning signs over the years, escpecially when she reacted badly if my husband didn't 'do as he was told'. She would text me criticising him and telling me to 'make him see sense'. Also I have always been uncomfortable with the way she tries to make my husband feel inferior to his younger brother, then if he reacts out of hurt we get this long rehearsed speech, 'I have never made any difference in my boys, I treat them both the same, I am a devoted mother who has always but her sons first'.

'Treating them both the same' and 'no difference' always seemed strange to me. My husband is a very deep thinking sensitive soul, thoughtful kind and although he has been verbally abused by his mother since childhood he has always been there for her. He remembers birthdays, mother's day, Christmas present etc.

My BIL on the other hand 'doesn't do Hallmark days', and as the golden child it doesn't matter because he's too busy we are told. Also she rewards bad behaviour which I find unbelievable, if she has words with the golden child over the phone (he lives in another country) she sends him money and presents the next day.

Thankfully my husband has finally seen what she is really like. His step father was verbally abusive to him at Christmas, when my husband called him out on his behaviour he denied it, my MIL went off on one accusing my husband of being a liar and trouble maker, banned him from 'their home'.
After it was discovered my husband hadn't lied she continued to defend her husband, making excuses and telling my husband to grow up. Phoning him and swearing, screaming and yelling like a demon.

This was the wake up call my husband needed, he finally seen the mask slip. What really blew his mind was she tried to convince me to side against him, when I refused she was verbally abusive and called me a few unsavoury names.

Now we both know what's she capable of and for us it's about maintaining a vlc. The golden child is visiting her this weekend and she phoned to tell my husband how excited she was, he was triggered. It's the first time he has recognised the power she had other him to make him feel bad about himself. He's always being told how successful his brother is, and how much everyone respects him.

On the other hand she constantly tries to knock my husband's confidence, usually followed by its ok a joke, what's wrong with you, you have no sense of humour. She criticises our lifestyle, we don't drink (so there's something wrong with us), we are boring, I don't wear a lot of make up, ( I'm plain, letting myself go, old before my time). I have always been spiritual person and go to church occasionally, she keeps telling me Christians are evil and she hopes I'm not turning into one!

[Solong]

Oh Spirit. I remember vividly that very same realization. MIL and I were so seemingly close until she started losing control. Now, she can hardly contain her resentment of me. It's painful. Painful to realize it was never real. Painful to realize you were strung along and betrayed. And if you were like me-painful to have lost a relationship you really valued.

I'm sorry for your experience. I'm also glad you're working your way away from her. Because of my emotional tie to her (unhealthy and I'm processing in therapy), it has taken me 2 years and so many repeated moments of abuse to finally get it. I still slip back, just less often. Be patient with your process.

[Spirit in the sky]

Hi Solong,

I'm sorry you were upset when you realised the truth about your mil. For me it was a gradual realisation, I stated to notice she was envious of me. If I bought something new like a coat for example she would buy the same one. Then she started making unkind comments about my appearance, she's 70 now and I think once she started losing her looks she resented me.

She was only interested in me when I was useful, when I started to have my own ideas and opinions I seen a change in her. She never asks how I am, and if I started telling her something about myself she changes the subject or makes a dismissive comment.

I was never overly fond of her but now I honestly can't bear to be anywhere near the woman. Everything about her is fake and it's upsetting to she the damage she causes to her family, I am so grateful I don't have kids, I would have to leave the country I wouldn't let her poisonous personality anywhere near them.

Thankfully her grandchildren, my husband's brothers kids are grown up and moved away. She only sees them 2-3 times a year.