Don’t even know where to start. I can’t even

[Seven]

You can see my old posts regarding my 88yo uNPDm.  She moved to sunny state in Nov with Sis4 after 20 million back and forths, visiting local (to me) retirement facilities, not wanting to do any of it after it being her idea to begin with, and then eventually finally ending up in sunny state.  This all started in August last year because Bro5 had told her he wanted to move back to our original home state
(Which he never even did).

I called Sis4 because of an unrelated Facebook post.  She proceeds to tell me that my uNPDm has decided to move back to  this state with bro6 1.5 hours away from me, and then Bro6 will find her assisted living back in MY HOME CITY while he is safely tucked 1.5 hours away.  Of course none of this was discussed with the actual people it will affect. (Um, she didn't want assisted living or even a retirement home before she left because $$$...she has it but wants to leave it all to her kids    she just "can't see spending that kind of money")

Of course I'm like "where in the hell did this come from?"  My mother is so freaking manipulative. Well come to find out while Bro5 and his son were down in sunny state visiting Sis4 and uNPDm last weekend, every time mom was alone with Bro6 she would ask him to find her a place back here in this state because she was "loooonnnneeellllyyy".  Now my Sis4 works from home and her husband is retired so there is always someone around.  They live in a neighborhood that has all sorts of adult activities for her to do, but she refuses to do them. They have a private pool and spa on their lanai. Mother has jack-and-Jill rooms.  My sister and BIL have bent over backwards for her.  IT DOES NOT SUCK THERE! She refused to make new friends.  She wants to come back here not because she misses Seven or Bro5, but because she misses her friends.  She'll have no car and assumes that when SIL6 comes to my town to visit her family then she can bring uNPDm so she can see her friends. 

A good part of this is because of Bro5.  Bro5 has been a very generous recipient of uNPDm funds and since Sis4 is POA and on uNPDm bank account, I'm sure he has not been receiving generous donations since she moved, so I'm sure he's happy she's coming back.

I find it convenient that they want to plop her back in my city without discussing it with me, but expect me to play dutiful daughter/sister. I I have lived in the vicinity of my mother MY ENTIRE LIFE and all the rest of them have had years of physical distance from her.

I want absolutely nothing to do with any of this.

[Groundhog Day]

There is a saying: Not my monkey, not my circus!
Stay out of it. If they choose to dump her at your doorsteps, you are busy and out the door for the day. They drive her over, they can take care of her. Only invite on your terms and when you want.

I know it's not fair, you have dealt with her all your life but this is your chance to detatch and get other family members to take over. Do not help in the move. They expect you to be the dutiful daughter. It's up to you if you attend the circus and feed the monkey or leave the ring master deal with it. 

[WomanInterrupted]

Agreed!

Do absolutely *nothing.*  Nada.  Zip.  ZERO.   

You are Sir Not Appearing In This Film  and are NOT to be listed as an emergency contact.

If somebody from the AL calls you and tells you that you *are* listed as the emergency contact, kindly inform them you are NOT and to call whichever sibling you think would be best to be informed of anything - even if that person is 4 hours away.   

If one of your sibs calls and tells/insists/demands *you* see to mom's this, that or the other, tell them it's *impossible* - and you might want to consider blocking that sibling, as well as *your mom*, who will probably have you on speed-dial for her numerous and never-ending complaints.

And yes - they will be numerous and never-ending.  Expect to hear tales of woe about them not feeding her for 3 days, or the residents are *mean* - or heaven forbid, she didn't know she was going to live with a bunch of *old people.*   

Don't help her move.  Don't arrange a thing.  Don't see to a *single* detail - and once she's there, well, she'll have to avail herself of the services AL provides, and if she doesn't like  them, or think they're "special" enough for Her Majestic Snowflakiness - TOUGH!   

That's what she signed on for and you are NOT a concierge service.   

Let your other sibs fight over who is doing what, and when, and how often, while you sit back and watch the circus, with a big bowl of popcorn.   

Once you remove yourself from the situation, you're going to start to figure out, very quickly, if  you haven't already, where you really stand in the family hierarchy - and what changes you need to make with specific sibs to stay *out* of the hot seat, aka, PD Hot Potato and you're now IT.   

You can't be IT if you're not playing the game - so don't play the game.   

With problematic sibs, who expect you to just drop everything and be IT,  you might want to consider becoming  as remote as the summit of Everest - and just as hard to get hold of via text, VM and email.   

For the record, I lived 3 miles away (small town miles) from unBPD Didi and unNPD Ray, am an only child and did *nothing* in their final years except avoid them like they were plague carriers.

Well, after Didi died I did dehoard the house, so Ray could live in it, but that was *it.*

Everything after that - not my problem.  Not my circus, not my monkeys.   

And the popcorn was gooooood.   

[Seven]

I have a very strong suspicion she is going to manipulate her way out of going into any kind of assisted living.  She will guilt Bro6 to no end.  When Sis4 took her around to places in sunny state 2 years ago, she was horrible, judgmental, these are "old people" (well, WTF are you?).  I'm pretty sure she only agreed just so she can get back to this state and then will sweet talk Bro6 into letting her get a regular apartment again. This woman needs more than a regular apartment, and more than assisted living.  She needs memory care.

I am predicting it right here, right now.

Oh, and I'm pretty sure my sister is glad to see her go, for the sake of her marriage.  We had a talk this morning.  "Mom's high maintenance, energy sucking. I didn't know she was going to be like this. She acts like a 2yo when she doesn't get her way."  I'm pretty sure I told her to expect it, and she really didn't believe me. 

[WomanInterrupted]

They rarely do believe it and when they do, you can shrug your shoulders and think, "Well, I did warn  you."     

No matter what happens - do NOTHING.  Not a thing.  Stay in the shark cage, with your hands and feet inside!   

You are NOT a dutiful daughter - you are a *human being* with a life, job, relationships, friendships - and your mother is *not your responsibility, in any way, shape or form.*     

One of the sibs wants to situate her in an apartment near you - great!  *That sibling* can oversee ALL of it  and leave you completely out of the loop.

You are not her keeper - or her slave.

Take back your personal power - say NO.  Do nothing.  Let others scramble to keep up the farce.  Let your sibs drive in from hours away to do X or Y, that could have been done over the internet, but your mother is too bull-headed, or wants yet *another* move.   

That's on *them".  If they want to keep trying to make her happy, well, they can keep having at it - you are DONE.   

I *escaped* - I'm the only, and had no backup, but I managed to walk away by doing exactly what I've written - NOTHING.  Accepting things would work out the way they'd work out, but without me.   

It can be the same for you, if you stop  listening to the chattering in your ear of people who  want to dump your mom on you - you know who they are.  It might be time to block them, or stop listening  to  their words, because they're self-serving.

If you *stay out of it completely*, you've GOT this. 

And we've got you!   

[lkdrymom]

If they want to move her it is 100% on them.  They can move her right across the street from you but at no time do you offer to take over any responsibility for her. Even in an 'emergency' because it would just be "easier' as you are so close. Nope!  They need to live with the choices THEY made. Always be BUSY, always be UNAVAILABLE.

[Psuedonym]

Seven, Mine is also 88 and refuses to live with the 'old, sick people', and yet somehow wants someone to sit by her side 24/7. The capacity for delusion is amazing.

[practical]

Your siblings want to move her, drop her back in your lap? You aren't available, you are busy. With what? "You know, life, my life" 

She can manipulate her way to coming back to your city, doesn't mean you have to visit her, run errants for her or anything. "It takes two to tango" and guess what? you have found a much more interesting partner: yourself, your own life and FOC.

And as for the refusal to live in assisted living or anything more involved, that is on your M and her problem. This is when you need to step back and let the wheels come off, sadly the only way for her to get ultimately the care she needs. Went through this with M, F and now MIL, each time not a pretty experience. Dust off your armor, buy yourself some good earplugs, practice your medium chill and grey rock and ignore anything coming your direction or repel it with a clear "NO".

Goodluck!

[Seven]

Update to this post.

She'll be back for good on the 1st.  Plopped right down in my town without even headed to Bro6 first.  Just completely bypassed that whole part thanks for SIL5.

It's not assisted living.  It's not memory care.  It's just a plain old retirement home with 3 squares and housekeeping.  Luckily the transportation bus will take her to her doctors appointments on the other side of town.   Management is nice (Sis4 and I had a visit on Friday)

The plan is to move her furniture in from storage here this Saturday and have it set up for when she comes back.  Then bros 5 and 6 will drive to sunny state, pack up all the shit Sis1 and I loaded, moved, and unpacked less than 3 months ago, Bro5 will fly her back, and Bro6 will drive her belongings and the damn dog back...again.   

And nope.  I'm not lifting a finger. Bros 5 and 6 have it all planned without my Input and luckily they picked a day to move her furniture that I wouldn't even be able to help anyway, so no guilt for me. 

For the record, none of the girls think this is a good idea.  She needs too much help and she should have stayed with Sis5.   The only thing I disagree with Sis5 about is the damn dog.  I love dogs, don't get me wrong.  Have one of my own, but my mother confuses this dog to no end. And she cannot walk it. Sis5 thinks she should keep the dog, and I think it should go to a family member that is not me. 

Bros are bending over backwards to do what uNPDm wants.

[WomanInterrupted]

Girl, you've GOT this!   

Anybody Not Named Seven can see to anything the retirement home can't do for her.   

Who will do it?  How will it get done?

NOT.  YOUR.  PROBLEM.   

As I said before, if you're somehow listed as her primary contact, advise them you are NOT, refer them to another sib - and block the retirement home's number.   

Keep doing that with hospitals, ERs,  social workers - anybody who contacts you on behalf of your mother.  Refer them up the food chain to another sib and *block.*   

If your mom starts hassling you - block her, too.  There's no shame in it.  You didn't ASK to supervise or be responsible for her, in any way, shape or form.  You had her dumped on  you, AGAIN! 

Well, it doesn't work like that.  Just because *that's what she wants* or others think it's in their best interest to make her your problem, doesn't mean it's TRUE.   

Yes, of course the sensible people in your FOO know this is a *terrible* idea - but won't actually stand up and say anything because they don't want to be in the line of fire - so yeah, we'll just dump this on Seven and make it her problem.

Except it is *not your problem.*   

From here on out, you live on Mars, the flight back will take 5 years, and the coms are spotty, at best, and down most of the time.   

You can't do anything, you can't help in any way, you can't give her money, rescue her from problems of her own making, listen to endless Retirement Home drama about how mean all those OLD people are, can't take the dog to the vet or heaven help you, take the dog (I'm a dog lover too, but some dogs - uh, NO!) - it's like you fell off the face of the earth.   

Believe me - if you take that stance, and don't lift a finger - well, except for a very special sweary finger     - the retirement home and your sibs *will* figure things out.

I have no sibs - and I walked away.  Things fell apart, organically, for unNPD Ray, who was *determined* to stay in his home - and I did nothing.

Not a thing, except tell social workers it was *impossible* for me to be his caregiver, so they wrote down unwilling, hoping the FOG would motivate me.

It didn't.   

BTW - you *can* block social workers, but I'd do it after referring them up the food chain to another sib, and let your mom be that person's problem.   

From here on out, EVERYTHING can be Somebody Else's Problem.   

[daughter]

I think your brothers assume that if NM "needs help", then "her girls" will step in and help regardless of their stated positions and locations, without placing any further demands on "her boys", and saving NM the cost of a better-equipped better-serviced elder-care home.  I'd let all calls from her new home go into voicemail first, and read-up on all Woman-Interrupted's own posts regarding Ray.