Does anyone feel guilty for going for full custody?

Started by t666666, February 04, 2019, 12:44:11 AM

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t666666

Hi Everyone,

First time posting here.  I've just obtained legal advice and have been told to go straight to an interim sole custody filing.  I feel very overwhelmed as this is such a big decision.  Has anyone chosen to share custody with a narcissist and then later regretted it?

My ex suddenly left the country to get mental help leaving me to look after our 2 year old child.  He hasn't sent any financial support and has been very emotionally abusive in messages.  It's a very long story but there is an extensive history of emotional abuse and I do believe that he is a narcissist.

I can't help but feel guilty if I go for sole custody.  It's such a big decision.  How am I supposed to possibly decide if our child has his Dad around or not.

Would really appreciate any advice on this.

Thank you very much.

Rose1

The advice is good. Take it. It's always possible for you to give time if your ex manages to get his act together. It's hard when you worry about a 2 year old with a pd who decides to use the child to get back at you. At which point you are stuck. Have a look at the parents section and ask a few people what it's like to be a child of a pd if you need more information

Medowynd

Take a look at how the ex treats you.  Do not expect it to be any different for your child.  Since the advice is for sole custody go for it.  Every time you feel guilty, think about the misery, the manipulation, the gaslighting that you preventing your child from experiencing.  As Rose1 stated, save your child from this experience.  For a closer look at what people have endured, the forum about PD parents is very eye opening.

t666666

Thank you both for your advice.  It really helps.

D.Dan

I'm going for full custody of mine and my uPD ex's, 3 autistic children.

Anything other than full custody means I'll need his signature for EvERYTHING! Schools, field trips, doctors, therapy, medication, therapeutic Items to use at school, RDSP's, literally everything our kids need. And he hated signing for anything! So my logic is, if it was difficult to get him to sign things for the kids before, now it'll be impossible and the kids will suffer severe consequences. It'll be waaayyyy to easy for him to block the kids needs and make my life extremely difficult.

My ex has also proven and admitted that he is unable to handle our kids. He used to threaten that if anything happened to me, he'd kill himself because he didn't want to get stuck with our kids alone!

I do not feel guilty because this is the best choice for my kids.

My ex does have supervised visitation which is only because of his previous abusive behaviour and his affair with a minor. (Basically, he can still see the kids but he chooses not to)

Getting full custody does not mean your ex can never see your child, it means you are the sole guardian and caregiver of your child.

Findingmyvoice

I agree with others.
I have interim "custody".  It doesn't mean that she can't see the kids, I can agree to have them visit her any time.
However, extra visitation time has been very difficult to arrange with her.

I can't get her to agree to anything even though I have primary parenting.
I try to be "easy" by allowing her to be in control when it's her time to see the kids.
However, as D.Dan said it's usually the kids that suffer.

She made a huge deal if kids had a swim competition on her weekend.  She would send me nasty messages, file affidavits that i was complicating her visits, etc, etc.
So I said "O.K. it will be up to you to tell me if the kids can attend on your weekend."
This has caused problems with swim meets for the kids, planning bday parties, etc. as I leave it up to her and she doesn't communicate or follow through.
Deadlines are missed, kids want to attend and can't, no planning is done.

The more control that I give her, the more she uses it to complicate things.
It's like she will do anything she can to consume my time, be disagreeable and unreasonable, try to cause arguments, stonewall important issues.
She will reply to my requests with a bunch of blame and accusations without addressing my question.
I'm sure you get the idea.

There is a reason that you should be the one making decisions.
You are the right one to be making the decisions, you shouldn't feel ashamed or guilty about that.


t666666

Thanks so much to everyone for your posts.  They have truly helped so much.

Liftedfog

I went for full custody and was awarded it.   My expdh suffers from pd and serious mental health issues, eg. Delusions and paranoia.    It is heartbreaking to go this route because it is not how we wanted our marriage of family to end up. But there is no way we could co parenting about anything. He was very verbally abusive.  He would never sign anything or make anything easy.  Like the other posters said sharing custody means getting agreement on medical issues, school issues, etc.   It would never work in my case.  So only option was sole custody to provide my kids a stable life.   If you put your child's needs first, it will be easier to pursue sole custody.  There is no other way in many cases.

Whiteheron

t666666-you can go for full custody and he can still have regularly scheduled visitation. For now (it's based on a temporary order), I am the primary custodial parent and have final say on medical/activities, etc. But, I need to consult with him first before signing the kids up for a new activity (and I also play nice and "ask" his permission for the kids to continue with their regular activities when re-enrollment time comes along. He doesn't seem to mind as long as the activities mostly fall on my parenting time.


Quote from: Findingmyvoice on February 04, 2019, 05:44:05 PM
She made a huge deal if kids had a swim competition on her weekend.  She would send me nasty messages, file affidavits that i was complicating her visits, etc, etc.
So I said "O.K. it will be up to you to tell me if the kids can attend on your weekend."
This has caused problems with swim meets for the kids, planning bday parties, etc. as I leave it up to her and she doesn't communicate or follow through.
Deadlines are missed, kids want to attend and can't, no planning is done.

:yeahthat: Oh my yes! I can completely relate to this. It's to the point that all activities/get together's happen on my time. He actually complained to the court that I deliberately scheduled DD's music lesson on his night in an attempt to reduce the time he has with the kids and to create a hassle for him, despite that fact that this lesson had been at the same day/time years prior to my filing for divorce.  :roll:


You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.

Findingmyvoice

Whitheron,
As usual, she wants it both ways.
She fought in court for the right to attend their swim practices and meets while I had a restraining order against her, but doesn't want to take them on her time...

anxiousmom

I just wanted to pop in and share my experience with this. I am sole custodian for our only child - now 6. We have been divorced for about 2.5 years, he agreed to the sole custody because BPDex was in and out of mental institutions, off his meds, etc. It was all uncontested, in fact, he said many times he was confident I knew what was best for our child and was the one to be trusted to act in his best interest. Our current order is supervised visitation.

Throughout these last few years, I have bent over backwards to satisfy him, given him WAY more time than allowed to him per the decree, accommodated his last minute requests, helped him keep up with our child's activities because I knew he couldn't do it himself, etc.

And what do I get in return for this? Well, I've just remarried, I believe my ex is mad about this and escalating conflict, so he's taking me back to court to sue for joint, saying he's "all better now." The only thing I have taught him with my willingness to bend over backwards for him is to feel entitled to whatever he wants, when he wants it. I'm paying for it now (literally. Tens and tens and tens of thousands of dollars in court fees so far and we haven't even gotten halfway into it).

I say all that to say this: if the advice has been to go for sole custody, take that advice, and do not look back. Do not give more than legally obligated, do not bend, do not accommodate to make it easier on them or help them not be accountable. You will not receive grace back from them, they will abuse it, and then get mad when you do not bend to their every whim.

Go for all you can to protect your child. You are the only stable parent they have, and they will depend on you for that stability. Good luck.