Increased parenting time

[Findingmyvoice]

We have a staged approach to parenting that was laid out by our case management judge that slowly increases parenting time with exBPDex and decreases supervision.
It seems like we have hit the critical stage where the parenting time is too much and the supervision too little.

She has visits every second weekend, Friday afternoon until Sunday and two weeknight visits.
Right as the kids were supposed to start staying overnight midweek there were problems.
The "friend" that was doing supervision was not dropping in during the midweek visits.  Early this month there was a really bad visit where exBPDw was targeting my daughter and things became physical, not to mention that there was significant verbal and emotional abuse.
I called the "supervisor" to let her know what was going on and that there needed to be increased supervision.  She didn't take it seriously and blamed my daughter.
I kept my daughter home over the weekend because she was scared to be alone with exBPDw.  I also made sure that the supervisor was going to be stopping in to check as much as she could on weeknights.  She was not available for one of the visits, but I still let the kids go to see her.

This last week, a similar event happened.  It happened on a weeknight visit when the supervisor was not available.
I let the supervisor know what happened and that she had to check in with the kids.  She did check in and talk to them, but basically she minimized the abusive behavior and told my daughter to stop complaining.

So, each time that I contacted the supervisor and exposed exBPDw's behavior, exBPDw sent an email directly to the kids lawyer.  The kids lawyer is clearly getting annoyed at this because he is not her lawyer.  The emails are centered around blaming my daughter and painting a picture that my daughter is violent, unstable, terrorizing the household and dangerous to be around!
Total projection.  She is clearly doing this to cover for what she has done.
ExBPDw is contradicting herself saying that our daughter is a problem at both households and that I do not have any consequences for her behavior. 
Then she says that our daughter is behaving this way at her house in order to get exBPDw in trouble and cause problems to make her look bad and report back to me.
The truth is that neither of those things are accurate, our daughter is not a problem at when she is with me, at school, sports, etc. 
And neither of us are masterminding anything to make exBPDw look bad, she is doing that all on her own.

So difficult to deal with, especially without saying anything to the kids that may seem like I am trying to alienate them from their mother.
We had a conversation last night about how to avoid these situations at her house and how I expect them to behave whether they are at my house or hers.
We also talked quite a bit about personal boundaries, personal space and consent, blaming and accusing vs understanding, so overall I hope that I can give them some healthy strategies to cope when they are at their mom's.  I didn't mention their mom's name once and when the girls tried to bring up her involvement in the situations, I just said that we were not talking about mom.  I have been accused of alienation from exBPDw 3 or 4 times now and it is really getting to me because I do my very best not to.  On the other hand, she badmouths me to the kids every chance she gets.

She has also apparently been telling my son what to say when he talks to the kid's lawyer. 

On top of this exBPDw is going behind the girls backs and inviting their friends over (they are 12yo and in jr. high) and my daughters were completely blindsided and embarrassed when their friends brought it up at school and my daughters didn't know anything about it.  Kind of like arranging a playdate for preschoolers, except these kids are almost teens and talk to each other constantly at school and over text message / social media and are old enough to decide who they want to spend time with and when.
The last time that exBPDw did this, I urged my daughters to let her know how they felt about her doing this.  ExBPDw feigned an apology, but then submarined them in front of their friends so now the girls don't want to tell her that it bothers them.

So frustrating.

[texascrazydaisy30]

Yes, 12 year old girls will start to make fun of your daughter because of mom's behavior. What i have learned is about 15-16 they will say "no more" and really put a foot down and the court listens to them first.