Lines in the Sand Crossed

[ladyh]

Greetings all, been while since Ive posted.  I broke free of uNPD I used to chase, and met a guy who felt just magical to be with.  So attentive, charming & funny.  Great job, creative and above all was SO into me.  I thought how is it possible.  I remember feeling shame to be honest about my bad relationship choices, since he was so normal (ha!)

The first 6 months were great of course.  He's an exciting guy, took me all over to great high-end places in big cities, high sexuality, supportive & just adored me.

We moved in to his house w his 3 kids (great kids) after 1.5 years & it went to hell- fast.  He started skapegoating my 11-year-old daughter & looking 4 ways she messes up.  I told him he better get help & he was dx w BPD.  Rages are frequent & escalating, loud 4 kids to hear.  After my daughter saw him w me in a violent pose, i said if he goes that far again, to upset my daughter,

Now Im two years in, engaged and tonite he chose to rage over thinking im 'upset w him, and i wouldnt say what.'  I did say what, but we know how that plays.  He went to threatening to kill himself again.  Id said that wasnt ok to do ever again.

So do they keep crossing our lines in the sand?  My poor girl went to bed shaking from fear of his shouting & smashing things up. 

He says hes afraid of me leaving but he's forcing my hand constantly

[notrightinthehead]

Oh dear! I am so sorry this is happening to you. What is your plan? Do you have a support network? Therapy for yourself and your daughter? Some place you can feel safe? Which tools from the TOOLBOX have you found helpful to keep your home situation calm?

[coyote]

ladyh,
Boundaries with enforcement of logical consequences when boundaries are violated has been the key to stopping the raging done by my uPPDw. Other tools such as Medium Chill, no JADE, and no Circular Conversations have also been crucial. I am sorry you are dealing with this. As notright  said let us know what tools are and are not working and we will try to give feedback.

[Spygirl]

Ladyh,

My stbxh got to the point your fiance is in some ways. It is SO scary, and it made me feel paralyzed to do anything that would possibly upset him for many years.

I read of a solution by another poster here, and i used it. It was very effective in my situation, so here it is.
When my PD was alluding to self harm, i empathized with his suffering and told him that i would be devestated if he were to hurt himself, and that i would IMMEDIATLY CALL THE POLICE TO DO A WELFARE CHECK. He stopped that behavior, and it did not happenen again.

Just my experience, and other tool in the box also helped tremendously before i finally had to leave to preserve my sanity.
Also, dont feel bad about not knowing who he was from the start. These people are experts at finding and testing us out. It happens. I had a prince too, before i moved in with him.